For how long should a couple be engaged before marriage?

It is a common trend in the society today for lovers to be engaged for a period of time before a wedding proper is conducted. Most cultures and traditions in Nigeria have made engagement a condition that must be met before the big day. But as engagement ahead of wedding has become fashionable in most […]

It is a common trend in the society today for lovers to be engaged for a period of time before a wedding proper is conducted. Most cultures and traditions in Nigeria have made engagement a condition that must be met before the big day.
But as engagement ahead of wedding has become fashionable in most cultures today, the nagging question of the length of the time an intending couple should be engaged has popped up. For how long should you wear your engagement ring before wedding?
OlajumokeOlujimi a consultant gynecologist says: “we have mistaken the true meaning of engagement to mean something else. I cannot imagine how someone can be engaged for years without even planning for a marriage. In Nigeria when people are engaged it is a sort of a go ahead for them to do everything like a married couple. Tell me if he already does everything as a husband, do you still expect him to go ahead and prepare for a wedding ceremony.
“I always tell people who care to listen that ‘if the engagement is going to last more than a month before the wedding then they should forget it.’ Yes, forget it because after years of been engaged to someone and he calls it off where and how do you start all over again?
“Some ladies can’t count the engagement rings that are with them from one engagement to the other. How long will they keep gathering these engagement rings? If you are getting married you should just go ahead with it instead of getting involved with all the drama that comes along with engagement.”Olajumoke adds that a lengthy engagement should be “judiciously discouraged by the society.”
In a similar vein, Halima Ahmed thinks engagement should not last more than a month before the wedding proper if the couple is really serious about tying the nuptial knots.
“It baffles me when I hear people are engaged for more than a year. What do you expect from such a relationship? Must she be engaged to the man before he marries her? For me it is engagement ring my foot,” Halima enthused.
“I will only wear an engagement ring if the wedding is just a month away. Why wear it for years and at the end of the day nothing happens. We women should stop deceiving ourselves and go straight to the right thing, which is marriage. In some parts of the Nigerian society, a girl shouldn’t wear an engagement ring for three months before you start planning the wedding proper,” she observed.
“So for those of them wearing an engagement ring for more than a year it is just a lead-on and I would advice they snap back to reality. If I may ask;‘is it by engagement ring that you are assured that the marriage will take place?” Halima asked rhetorically.
But as they say, ‘it is different strokes for different folks.’ Uche Ebere Okoye, a pharmacist, thinks a lengthy engagement is necessary to allow the would-be couple plan for a successful wedding, especially if the pair is not born with a silver spoon.
“A man can engage a woman if he wants to. But it also costs money to plan a wedding. If you don’t have the money in three to six months, how will you get married? And if you want the most “perfect” wedding, how can you plan it in three to six months’ time? What if you are still in school? Will you forget school and marry him and then rely on him to give you money and then when he doesn’t the nagging trauma begins,” Uche wondered.
“If a man truly loves a woman the best way he tries to express it is by getting engaged to her. We should be realistic and understand that.  For me I will say, if you can get married whenever you feel you are ready two- five years engagement is a reasonable time, at least by then the necessary preparations would have been made,” Uche noted.
Some responses were just as funny as the personalities. Ms. Favour Ehi wondered why any woman would want to wear an engagement ring for that long.
“Why will I even wear it in the first place?  What if we end up not being married? What happens to me when all the guys who were one way or the other interested (in me) move on with their lives just because I was engaged? Tell me what would become my fate then? I would advise ladies to be wise when it comes to issues like this,” Favour said.
“Secondly, it is not about being married or engaged for a long time but about staying married and being committed to the relationship. It’s understandable if the engagement lasts about three to six months, but being engaged for too long is definitely not healthy for the couple and the relationship,” she added.
Some people believe the longer the engagement the better the relationship, but others are of the opinion that the earlier the marriage takes place the better off the union is. Most argue that a man who is really ready for marriage wastes no time.
“Being engaged isn’t a bad thing but only a sign of commitment from both partners to the relationship. But when it takes too long it becomes a cause for concern. I will give you an example, when my husband (asked me to marry him),I insisted we set the wedding date that night before I accepted his proposal.I had to do that because I have seen and heard of too many disappointments of other people and the pain they go through,” Faith Matthew, a lawyer said.
“He proposed October 6th 2013, and the wedding is February 26th 2014.  An engagement for more than a year is like life in prison in my own opinion. Don’t keep a relationship for too long, it strains the relationship,” Faith added enthusiastically.
Womanhood also sounded the mind of some men on this rather controversial issue. John Ogah, a development activist and blogger, thinks that sometimes engagement is necessary, more importantly because some engagements last longer than some marriages.
 “Why the noise? In my opinion an engagement that lasts two years or more is far better than a wedding ring that would only last two months or even less. Let’s get real. A ring is not actually the determinant of true love or a lifetime relationship. Love is a matter of the heart and trust, not a ring,” John said.
Opeyemi Olabunmmi, an accountant says: “You ladies have to understand that; you don’t need to be engaged with a ring before you can get married to him. He can wake up tomorrow and say we have to start making arrangements for our wedding. These days men don’t say they want to marry, theywill just say, I think we have to make arrangements for our wedding. Any man that comes to you and says he wants to marry you only wants to take advantage of you emotionally.”
John has an advice for ladiesout there who find themselves in a quandary: “Do not wear any engagement ring; it is a blockade.If he is ready for marriage he should go ahead and do the right thing. Many ladies have had disappointmentsin the name of engagement. My advice to all the ladies out there is never to allow any man tie you down with engagement ring.”