How do you handle a secret hidden for 15 years?

“We’ve been married for 15 years and suddenly my husband tells me that he has an 18-year-old son whom he’s never met. The boy just recently connected with him through an aunt. My husband says he’s been sending money every month for the boy’s upkeep since he was three. Now the family of the boy’s […]

“We’ve been married for 15 years and suddenly my husband tells me that he has an 18-year-old son whom he’s never met. The boy just recently connected with him through an aunt. My husband says he’s been sending money every month for the boy’s upkeep since he was three. Now the family of the boy’s mother wants him to come and live with us. Should I be worried?” asks a worried mother of four.
There are some secrets that we think we are keeping to make our lives better and more positive. But then there are other secrets that cannot be kept for too long, if not they come back haunting us and destroying everything we have worked so hard to build and protect. In a marriage, partners are expected not to keep secrets.  How does a woman who has been married for 15 years take the news that her husband had a son before he married her and that child now wants to move into his father’s home?
While we cannot deny that the son is part of the family, it is equally not easy for a woman to accept a boy she knew nothing about for all the 15 years she has been married.
Adaobi Ani, a social worker says: “Whether she denies it or not the boy is his son; so the best thing she can do is to tell her husband that she is accepting the boy because he’s his blood.  She can then watch the boy, if he’s nice, accept him totally and take him as her own son. God will reward her but if he is insolent, I will advise that she lets her husband know of his behaviour and send him back to where he came from. Anything outside that, he is welcome because he is the first child of the family, no matter how we try to look at it.”
Rita Richards seems to agree with Ani as she says: “Let the boy come and it should not worry her but she should sit her husband down on the ‘hot seat’ for keeping such information from her all this while. The fact that he has been sending money for his upkeep since he was three means he knew about him and acknowledged him. If not for the pressure from the boy’s relatives she wasn’t going to know about him maybe until her husband’s death. This happens a lot, we see children coming from nowhere once a man is dead, leaving the wife with a lot of problems.  I think men are killing us and God will judge them. This is just not fair, why won’t men just tell it as it is before marriage? That way we can all live happily ever after.”
But Katherine Akoto thinks differently. She believes the concerned wife should be worried because she already has set rules in her home and the son is also coming from a different background. “Yes, she should be very worried. You can’t bend an old tree; he’s coming with his established roots. At 18 he should be moving out of the house and not in. I suggest an alternative but whatever it is, she should never try to block the father-son reconnection. Encourage him to bond with his son and offer support but away from your home. You have given so much to the marriage to have it ruined by a teenager. Teenagers are difficult to handle and so do not expect him to come into the home with an open heart because he believes that you are the reason his parents never got married in the first place. Just pray he doesn’t come with the first son syndrome.”
Maryam Lawal concurs with Akoto: “It’s not going to be easy to accept the boy, especially since the mother will also try to find a way into the man’s life through the boy. However, I would suggest she tries to accept him because it is not his fault that your husband kept it a secret for over 15 years. Children don’t choose where they are born. We are humans and should try to understand that we all have our faults. The boy also needs to get to know his father. Prepare well because you will get to see different tantrums. My son is giving me headache talk less of a step-son. God help you.”
Linda Okereke believes the reason his grand-parents want him to go to his father is because he is almost an adult: “Take the boy in but be bold and firm because he has reached a very difficult stage in life and am sure that’s the reason why his mother’s family is handing him over to his father now. I am sure you love your husband so you can’t reject his son. Help your husband to help the boy pass through this ‘identity crisis’ stage. Just take one day at a time and forget not to pray for God’s guidance. See this as the one fault of your husband out of the numerous good things he has done in the last 15 years. Again, let your children know that he is their elder brother and that respect should be accorded to him.”
Idahosa Funke suggests the boy should only come for weekend visits or his father should find him alternative accommodation: “That way you and your hubby can get to know him carefully. Study him carefully; go to his school and find out the kind of person he is so that he doesn’t have a negative influence on your children and family generally. As for coming to live with you, speak to your husband about rules and treat the young man well. I think your husband should get to know the boy first before bringing him in. There is no need to stress yourself, just pray for wisdom.”
Ojobaro Sandra says agreeing to take the in boy means the troubled wife will be biting more than she can chew: “She needs to first pray; but an 18-year-old can’t live with her, else she would a wife to two men in the house. He can beat her up someday. Accept him but he should be catered for outside and not in your home.”
Folasade Oke advises the woman to accept the boy with an open heart as if he is her son:  “Try and know him. You might not have reasons for fear but later if he proves unmanageable you can reject him, paternity or no paternity. If not accept him as your son and treat him the way you treat your kids. One day you will be happy you did.”
Lydia Amos wonders why the concerned wife is worried and advises that: “Allow him to live with his biological dad and share their lives for once. After-all, he’s already grown and will move on to university then off to live on his own. You should be glad he told you now and you do not have to confront reality if he was dead.”
But some people like Elsie Chukwu, hold on to their strong traditional beliefs; that the boy is out to destroy the home and try to reap what neither he nor his mother worked for, adding that a man who keeps such a secret for that long is a dishonest person: “He should have told you this before he started sending money for his upkeep. Do not let him into your home. Another thing, his family is sending him there for recognition so be ready to put up with all you have worked for to be divided.”