How should a woman handle mistrust in a marriage?

Trust issues between couples are always difficult to handle especially when they occur very often. How do couples face or confront each other if they suspect something has gone wrong again? Many women find it very difficult to confront their husbands when they find something suspicious hidden in their personal belongings or even get news […]

Trust issues between couples are always difficult to handle especially when they occur very often. How do couples face or confront each other if they suspect something has gone wrong again? Many women find it very difficult to confront their husbands when they find something suspicious hidden in their personal belongings or even get news of such actions they find intimidating. This is one problem many married or even single women find very daunting as they usually do not know whether to confront their spouses or keep mute over such matters.
“I have been in a situation where my husband came back home late and did not even eat dinner or talk to me. While trying to get his things prepared for him for work while he took his bath the next day, I found some things in his wallet which he never uses with me. I left it and when he came back from work later that day and I checked they were not there. So naturally, I knew he was doing some things outside which translated to him cheating on me. Till date, I have not had the courage to ask him because he does not know I saw them. I am afraid of the consequences of having to confront him even though he has cheated on me in the past,” explained 35-year-old Mercy Akpan.
The question this week is should a spouse just overlook the evidence that confirms cheating or confront the defaulting partner?
Halima Abba, a 40-year-old full-time housewife, believes confronting the issue immediately is the right way to go: “Are you his wife? If you are, then you have every right to confront him on issues like this. What consequences is she talking about? Married couples are bond by religious bodies and elders that have specified what the marriage institution entails. So, why is she jittery about having to confront him on issues that could make or mar their future as a couple? Has she considered that if it was the other way round all hell would have been let loose by now? We have to stop giving men the insinuation that without them we are nothing in life.  As long as I remain his wife, I will confront any issue I see that can be detrimental to our marriage immediately. How could she allow him go out with it and now is complaining after the harm has been done? She could have prevented it, but did not.”
Mairo Abdullahi, a 39-year-old lawyer shares the same view with Halima: “As a wife, you have every right to confront him, so does he have the right to confront you when he finds something fishy. He might lie to cover his misconduct, but its better you confront him.  The earlier you confront him the better. How do you want to ignore such evidence when we have so many diseases surrounding us these days? If she loves her life and that of her husband, she should better confront and caution him now.”
Amina Zubairu Ahman also supports confrontation but suggests a different approach: “I support that confrontation should be used in settling every mistrust issue couples face, but I will prefer it is done in a different way. Instead of verbal confrontation where tensions could flare up,I would suggest writing him a note stating the items seen. The note could be slipped in with the items, asking a question like: ‘Hope you aren’t going to use these for what I think they are for?’ or she could put the note in the pair of pants he intends to wear that day. I have tried this at one time and it worked perfectly for me. He came back apologising and promising never to indulge in such acts again. Men would always be men, so verbal confrontation would only spark more trouble because he would want to prove that he is an African man and has the right to many women. But by doing it this way he will feel guilty. In instances like this, this is where maturity of a woman comes in.”
Some respondents said the best way to confront the issue is to take the said items away and keep acting normal and just wait for him to ask for them. Agnes Benjamin, a 42-year-old civil servant opines that it is better to confront the man and forget the issue because if one doesn’t, it will be difficult to forget and let go. “One thing is for sure, if you don’t confront your spouse and talk about it, it will keep disturbing you which will eventually make you behave abnormally. The more you see him, the more the inner grudge and anger will be boiling and waiting to explode. It could develop into a major grudge. You might even be thinking of doing something to make him pay for his offence. Instead, tell him what you found, shout, scream, and cry to release that anger. It will do you well more than bottling it up in you or better still just remove the items and act normal, wait for him to ask for them,” Agnes explained.
Adejumoke Shittu,a 35-year-old business woman wonders why women of today worry themselves over men who cheat:“They are men and have a 100 and one percent tendency to cheat. I think she should just forget about it and let life go on. She can however mention it much later in a casual way so he knows she saw the items. Let him know she was not happy but trusted he would change for good.”
Forty-three-year-old teacher, Maryam Usman, says: “If one has the emotional and financial ability to withstand an unpredicted response from him then confront him. If not, ignore it and move on. What I mean by ability to withstand him is that some of them come up with terrible attitudes to put one down and frustrate one instead of being remorseful; attack they say is the best form of defence. Some even start sleeping out to make you feel miserable.”
Several times, we have read or heard stories of this nature. As women, it is saddening if you find yourself in such a circumstance. Sometimes we wish we never got to know such things but on the other hand it is good we do so we don’t get infected. For every relationship trust issues need to be resolved and such confrontations occur from time to time. But we should note that if confrontation should take place it has to be done respectfully and maturely. Constructively ask, tell him what you saw, ask him respectfully, he might go all defensive but then as women, we should learn to play the calm card; don’t yell back at him for all we know he might have had a second thought and thrown it away. This can be very difficult but wisdom is key in this situation. Never sweep under the carpet mistrust issues in a relationship. If you do, its ripple effect can be disastrous.