Should you marry your late spouse’s best friend?

“My wife died more than a year ago. Her best friend stepped in to help with our two kids. She’s always around when needed and God knows I needed help all the while she stepped in. I was depressed and she was there for me and the kids. Now we want to get married but […]

“My wife died more than a year ago. Her best friend stepped in to help with our two kids. She’s always around when needed and God knows I needed help all the while she stepped in. I was depressed and she was there for me and the kids. Now we want to get married but my late wife’s parents are totally against our decision. I don’t see anything wrong with it. What’s wrong with getting married to my late wife’s best friend?”
Losing a partner is sure not an easy experience for anyone. It is a grieving period which cannot be explained in words. Life has to go on after mourning a partner, but is marrying to your late partner’s best friend the best way to mourn him/her? Following are responses to this poser:
Tumi Siyumbwa suggests that the man in question should think of his children first before he rushes into any marriage. “I would advise him to think and give consideration to his children in this situation. It’s only been about a year since his wife died, has he mourned his late wife properly? Or has he spent most of his time being comforted by her friend? What if this lady’s motive for being there for you was so she could just get to you? Or maybe she has even had her eyes on you since your wife was alive.
“I would advise he gives it time. This love he has for her, is it genuine love or because she was there when times were rough? There’s a lot he should look into. His late wife’s relatives feel it’s very disrespectful of him to already be thinking of moving on with his wife’s best friend.
“He is still seeking comfort out of remembering his wife. He should put himself in the shoes of his children. How would he feel if his dad had moved on with life that fast if his mum had died when he was a child? Personally, I think it iswrong timing.”
Amaka Oke sees his decision to marry his late wife’s friend as a big problem: “The problem there is that they were best friends and I can consider that they would be like sisters. Seriously, people might think her death was planned so that you marry her, most of all I would say she didn’t love her friend, if she did she would have respect for you and her parents. I hope she wasn’t in lovewith her friend’s husband even when she was still alive.’’
Comfort Ogah believes such a decision is societally unacceptable. “Am not sure the problem is with him marrying again; but rather with the person he wants to marry. As a woman, I believe it is not wise to marry your best friend’s hubby after her death. It is societally unacceptable.
“The children have known her all this while as their mother’s best friend and all of a sudden she replaces their mother. Those are emotional cords he should not strike up. The lady in question could have helped without getting involved with the man. It means even if her friend was alive and just travelled, she would have had an affair with the husband,” she advises.
“I would advise he does not marry her as he is taking a decision while he is still healing. This is an emotional phase in his life. He should give himself time and he will realise that he does not love her but only feels indebted to her” Ogah concludes.
Chinwe Kalu doesn’t believe the disapproval that has trailed his plan based on societal norms is unfounded: “When death is involved, emotions are raw. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with marrying her. Where is it written the duration one can mourn a spouse? Why can’t it be her best friend? The kids know her and will accept her because she has been there for them since their mum died. The kids also need a woman in their lives. This is an aunty they have always known. It is a knotty one so I would say he should take time to pray about it and before making decision. Follow your heart not unfounded social norms.”
There are arguments that best friends would never do such a thing to each other. One of the proponents of this belief is Victoria Thompson: “If his late wife and this woman were really best friends, she will never agree to marry him, not in a million years to come. I would advise him to be careful, because a woman that acts all nice and everything will definitely change. His in-laws feel bad because of the closeness their children had with the supposed best friend.  But how did she play the ‘Good Samaritan’ that well, where was his late wife’s sisters? Some things desperate women do for marriage amaze even the devil himself.”
Joy Onuche advises the man to put himself in the shoes of his late wife: “Will he be happy to know that his wife moved on with life with his best friend a year after he died just because his friend gave her a helping hand? I would advise he goes for counselling before he concludes on his decision.”
Another school of thought believes that all boils down to the insensitivity of a particular gender. Emmanuella Oghene says: “This is the difference between men and women. If it is woman now she would remain unmarried for about 10 years or more just out of respect for her late husband and the children.  I would suggest that he gets another woman if he really wants to get married again. The lady in question should also respect her friend even in death. For me their relationship is totally wrong.”
The whole scenario does not fit, so says Peace Ese Ogum: “There could be more to this than meetsthe eye! It could be that she had always wanted her friend’s husband, so she planned the death and made sure she always was the one to be there for him and not any other person! The world is Big! If he wants to marry her a year after hiswife’s death, that means they started dating just few months after his wife’s death, if not before. Something is wrong with this puzzle he is just getting it right. He needs to pray about it.”
Wunmi Yusuf opines that the man is in a vulnerable state and should give himself time to get over the shock of losing his wife before making such a decision.  “It’s okay to remarry, but definitely not his late wife’s best friend. There are a lot of lovely single ladies out there; he just needs to take his time in searching. Has he healed from the loss of his wife? Secondly, is he marrying her because he loves her or because she has been there when he needed her? I don’t see the word Love in this scenario. By the way, what was the lady doing while his wife was alive? Didn’t she have a man in her life as well? How well does he trust her motives now that his wife’s gone?
“In my opinion, best friends don’t betray even in death, so try out something different. Go on a few dates with someone neutral, give her a hint and observe to know if she still remains that sweet auntie to his kids. May the Spirit of God guide his heart.”