Understanding women

According to the newspaper report, the suspect on the day of the incident sent one of the children of the late wife to fetch water for him and the new wife (Amarya in Hausa) when the first wife (Uwargida in Hausa) heard about the errand, she confronted the husband; asking why he didn’t go to […]

According to the newspaper report, the suspect on the day of the incident sent one of the children of the late wife to fetch water for him and the new wife (Amarya in Hausa) when the first wife (Uwargida in Hausa) heard about the errand, she confronted the husband; asking why he didn’t go to fetch the water himself. The husband became infuriated and pounced on her. The report said Sarkin pawa held his wife by the throat which thereafter led, as alleged, to the death of the latter.
No matter how dirty, offensive or provocative Binta might have sounded in her language, she did not deserve the extreme penalty meted on her by the husband whose violent action, to say the least, is most outrageous. After all, no critical examination of any particular matrimonial crisis especially in polygamous family settings can absolutely absolve either the husband or the wife of all blames. Using the language of my senior colleague in the media Mahmud Jega, there are always “enough blames to go round”.
Extreme violence like the one committed by Sarkin Pawa against Binta is, perhaps, a consequence of the failure by either or both parties to realize the simulated battle-field created by their worst enemy, Shaytan, whose invincible intrigues are targeted at launching a climate of confusion in every peaceful home. Nothing angers the Shaytan as much as the prevalence of peace among couples. Shaytan unceasingly plots husband and wife against each other so that war instead of peace, misunderstanding instead of understanding, quarrel instead of cohesion, and hate instead of love each becomes a norm in their inter-personal relationships.
Regret is always the end result of anyone who allows Shaytan to take full control of his/her reason. When Shaytan is in control of a person’s intellect, he/she becomes a stooge to the sneaking whisper’s mischief; leading him/her to commit the worst sin however criminal or violent. Soon after the vicious wishes of the Shaytan are accomplished as Sarkin Pawa, for instance, is seen to have done, the devil turns round to blame his victim for being irresponsible; amazingly laying claim to be God-fearing. Allah (SWT) reveals in Qur’an 59:16 “Like the Evil One, when he says to man “Deny God”: but when (man) denies God, (The Evil One) says, “I am free of thee: I do fear God, The Lord of the Worlds”.
To prevent Shaytan from exercising authority over our reasoning especially in our nuptial life, men must resolve to understand women and their unique nature. Women as wives no matter their status must also resolve to accept the hard reality that they are, according to the teachings of Islam, subject to the mutual oversight, responsible guidance and due control of their husbands; thus making them as wives unequal to their husbands.
What makes a good husband? Many marriages could survive with a wise husband in the home but few stand the chances of survival where the husband proves unwise. Cases of divorce and domestic violence against women have in recent times become rampant because many husbands have refused to learn about the efficient management of familial-induced anger. Many men also fail to recognize the place of patience in the success of marriages.
T o understand women, men must appreciate the natural weaknesses of women. Jealousy, whether petty or mutual, is a natural trait in women. Men especially in polygamous families need to be patient with women when the latter exhibits this tendency. Another unfortunate fragility of women is ungratefulness which though appears more like a prophetic “curse”. Indeed, no sacrifice by a man for his wife is enough (in a woman’s world) to preclude her from remaining thankless to her husband. Imam Malik (RA) relates in his Al-Muwatta under the chapter dealing with the eclipse prayer that the Prophet (SAW) said he saw fire and most of its dwellers were women. When he was asked “why”, he replied, “Because of their ungratefulness”. Someone asked “Are they ungrateful?” He answered, “They are ungrateful to their husbands and they are ungrateful for good behavior towards them”; and continued, “Even if you were to behave well towards one of them for a whole lifetime and she were to see you do something (that she did not like), she would say that she had never seen anything good from you”.
A man is yet to be a husband if he cannot tolerate the meanness of his wife. Men should acknowledge that women find pleasure in embarrassing their husbands, sometimes publicly. Men should also understand that the longer they live with their wives, the more they become vulnerable to humiliation particularly by ungrateful wives. “Familiarity”, they say, “breads contempt”. After all, even righteous servants of Allah were provoked by their wives. Ali bn Abi Talib (RA) was angered by his wife Fatimah (daughter of the Prophet SAW) to the extent that Ali (RA) deserted his house and took refuge under a tree. When the Prophet (SAW) went to console Ali, he found his son-in-law’s head, face ears and body all covered with the sand upon which he has been rolling since Fatimah angered him. The Prophet (SAW) admonished Ali (RA) to be patient; calling him “Abu Turab” meaning “Father of sand”.
Qur’an 4:34-35 spell out four steps that should be followed in managing indiscipline or excesses of women. They are (1) verbal advice or admonition; (2) suspension of conjugal relations; (3) applying slight physical correction even though Imam Shafi’i considers this inadvisable but permissible; and (4) appointing a council of arbitrators from the sides of the husband and the wife. Patience is crucial to the survival of marriages. Men must learn how to control anger in the management of disloyal wives. The Prophet (SAW) said, “Do not be angry”, and repeated several times, “Do not be angry”. The Holy Bible in James 1:19 states “Know this my beloved brothers: Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger”.
For women to block Shaytan from ruling their common sense, they must first give away their passion for western brand of freedom; accepting the divine truth in Qur’an 4:34 that men are a degree above women. If, yet, you doubt this reality, answer the following questions: Why did God not appoint any woman as a prophetess or His messenger in the history of divine revelations? Why are women not permitted to lead men in prayers? Where by Qur’anic injunction are two women required as witnesses in place of a man? And lastly, Why is the inheritance share of a female half that of a male in Islam? May Allah (SWT) enrich the hearts of both men and women with persevering patience, amin.