2010: WE REMEMBER 1431
New Year Resolutions are common, but hardly kept. If citizens could suggest to their countries to make their own New Year Resolutions, many of us would proffer “Give us free and fair polls”. There is great hope today, fuelled by Fresh Air’s avowals to that effect, and the appointment of Professor ASUU as Chief Umpire. […]
New Year Resolutions are common, but hardly kept. If citizens could suggest to their countries to make their own New Year Resolutions, many of us would proffer “Give us free and fair polls”. There is great hope today, fuelled by Fresh Air’s avowals to that effect, and the appointment of Professor ASUU as Chief Umpire. For once, there is great hope, at least in the Presidential. In fact, there could be fair polls at other levels if, as is hoped, that Titanic of a party flounders and sinks, drowning its Captain and yeomen.
For us Nigerians, 2010 has left some memories; sweet, sour, mostly bitter. We revisit some, though not necessarily in any order.
WE REMEMBER: President Umaru Musa Yar’adua sadly died, his death causing upheaval in his own party over ‘to Zone or not to Zone’. Had Yar’adua lived to 2011, perhaps he may not have contested for a second term, Hajiya Turai or no.
WE REMEMBER: President Goodluck Jonathan was not the reluctant Deputy as he was made out, or at least appeared, to be. He immediately took the reins of power and steered the steed to his own direction. A child of necessity, a divine intervention, he is now a Breath of Fresh Air.
WE REMEMBER: The Rebrander-in-Chief de-branded herself and changed coat. Professor Dora Akunyili completely lost track of politics. Hillary Clintion LEFT the Senate to take up a ministerial position; so did Muhammad Adamu Aliero and my namesake, Bala Mohammed. Mama Dora LEFT a ministerial position not to ASSUME a Senate seat, but to contest for one; and not in the party she has fought hard to brand, but in a local conclave. Local Champion!
WE REMEMBER: Jos erupted, again and again. And because the government and elite of Plateau State have promised to break the ranks of the North and lead the so-called Middle Belt into Fresh Air, a State of Emergency is the farthest thing that would worry a Jonah Jang. He sits tight, even if not pretty.
WE REMEMBER: Boko Haram has become a full-pledged insurgency, centred mostly in Maiduguri. It is said the Borno Governor, Ali Modu Sheriff, is sniffing some Fresh Air as Jang, and the powers that be are not disposed to declaring a State of Emergency there as well, which should be.
WE REMEMBER: The Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta, MEND, claimed the Independence Day Bombings. No you did not, said Fresh Air. What he forgot to add was “Boko Haram did it!” MEND continued to unleash mayhem in the South South but, there also, no State of Emergency is contemplated as that is the area where the air is freshest.
WE REMEMBER: A low-level but bloody warfare occurring in Port Harcout. No, not MEND. Not kidnapping. But between football supporters. And not between Sharks and Ocean Boys. But between supporters of Manchester United and Arsenal. At the last count, almost ten people have been United in death, killed by the Arsenals of support.
WE REMEMBER: Our people, the South Esterners, who always want to travel home for Christmas, always meeting the indignities of Nigerian roads. The roads are so bad that the Go-Slows slow them down; roads are so bad that robbers rob them while they stand still; roads are so bad that many starve as there is no food to eat.
WE REMEMBER: Wikileaks exposed the Saudi Ruling House as the most hypocritical throughout the Muslim world by calling on the United States to bomb, not Israel, but Iran. We also remember that the Saudi King, Abdullah ibn Abdul’Aziz needed to have a back operation. Where did he go to have it done? The Presbyterian Hospital in New York! And Hajiya Turai took our own late President to Saudi Arabia!
WE REMEMBER: We all used to trust women with our treasuries. But all of a sudden, a certain Banker Woman has shown What a Woman Can Do is beyond any man. She has plea-bargained the sum of One Hundred and Ninety Three Billion Naira, and is going almost scot-free.
WE REMEMBER: Nigeria’s National Assembly gobbles up a quarter of all the national recurrent cake; the Rats! No, we don’t, you Rat! The CBN does!
RE: AND NOW THAT MY FIRST TERM IS OVER…
By an overwhelming clarion call, this Column has become a ‘Child-of-Necessity’ and a Second Term has been forced upon me. But not without a Nay:
DR. BASHIR SHEHU, KANO: We only agreed on one term. How are we sure that if we give you a Second Term you would not come back seeking a Third? Do you by any chance have a copy of the initial agreement? Can’t find mine!
MUHAMMAD T. MU’AZU: Ride on! No limit to your terms!
DR. USMAN MUHAMMAD, UNIVERSITY OF ABUJA: Four years gone just like yesterday? The Elders had thought right, long and hard indeed. You not only pen this column very stylishly, you have a swagger no one can beat. This is especially so when you travel around the world to report and educate us about the people, events and their culture, but to also compare our horrible ways of life and wish we could be better. Meanwhile, because of popular demand and overwhelming public interest, “The Ayes Have It!”
DR. JIMPAT AIYELANGBE, LAFIYA SURGERY, KANO: Write, Bala, write! My vendor Musa always says, as he hands over the paper to me and collects my money “Here is your Bala Muhammad, Doctor!”
Now, Editor, swear me in! Quick, I say, before those Bashir Shehu types find that Initial Zoning Agreement!