25 more exits

Following the very good example set by British voters last Thursday, of lightly throwing away the economic boom baby with the fear of immigration bathwater, countries all over the world are frantically looking around to execute an exit, with or without a referendum, from certain moribund international institutions. The Brits, who 70 short years ago […]

Following the very good example set by British voters last Thursday, of lightly throwing away the economic boom baby with the fear of immigration bathwater, countries all over the world are frantically looking around to execute an exit, with or without a referendum, from certain moribund international institutions.

The Brits, who 70 short years ago ruled over an empire that covered one quarter of the world, know more about treaties, war, conquest and international institutions than anyone else.

They must have seen something in quitting the European Union [EU] so all other less experienced nations are struggling to follow suit.

All over the world nations are falling over one another to exit from one international organisation or another.

It promises to be the biggest scramble since 1884, soon after Leopold, King of the Belgians, acquired Congo as a private estate and went on to murder 10 million natives. 

Leading the way is Greece. The Greeks were expected last year to do a Grexit from the euro zone. They have decided instead to do a Grexit from the Olympic Games unless the torch is permanently placed on Mount Olympus, abode of the Greek gods.

New Zealand is doing a New Zexit from the Commonwealth of Nations and France has served notice of a Frexit from the Franco-African Summit to protest Chinese and Indian copycat-ism with Sino-Africa and India-Africa Summits.

Germany is about to do a Germexit from the euro zone. The Bundestag is not happy that its treasury must bail out every EU member that spends its way into trouble.

Canada has indicated its intention to withdraw from the North American Free Trade Agreement, NAFTA. With the impending arrival of President Donald Trump, Canada fears a “giant sucking sound” as its jobs are sucked into USA.

South Africa too plans to withdraw from the Southern Africa Development Community, SADC to protest Mozambicans flooding into Jo’burg. President Jacob Zuma thinks a South Afrexit from SADC is the antidote to frequent eruptions of xenophobic attacks.

Egyptian President Abdelfatah Al-Sisi has ordered an Egyexit from the Arab League. This same league expelled Egypt in 1977 when Anwar Sadat went to Jerusalem and Al-Sisi is planning a visit to Raqqa.

Simultaneously, a North Afrexit from the African Union is underway. Tunisia, Morocco, Algeria, Libya and Egypt want to resolve their identity crisis of being both Arab and African by pulling out of AU. They plan to coax Mauritania, Sudan, Djibouti and the rump Somali state to tag along.

A Russexit from the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, NPT is also underway. Russia plans to decongest its silos of SS-18 triple-headed nuclear warheads by selling some to Syria and North Korea but NPT is a stumbling block.

Australia too has decided to do an Austrexit from Australia-New Zealand-US [ANZUS] military alliance that guards the South Pacific. It will now use trained kangaroos instead of US warships to guard its coastlines.

Further to the north, China has decided to do a Chinexit from the World Trade Organisation, WTO. The Communist Party wants every American to eat Chinese pizza with a chopstick and WTO is standing in the way.

Not to be outdone, a Japexit from the G-7 is underway. Shinto priests have advised Emperor Akihito that the sun goddess Amaterasu is angry with the presence of American warships in Okinawa. This prevents Japan’s Self Defence Force from reverting to its old name, Imperial Japanese Army.

In a move that will shock young Nigerians to their bone marrows, Brazil is planning a Brazexit from FIFA. It complains that world soccer’s headquarters remains in Zurich even though it was Brazilian players Pele, Testao, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Romario and Dr. Socrates that made world football what it is.

On his first day in office, President Donald Trump will announce an Amerexit from the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation, NATO. Trump sees no use for US tactical nukes based in Europe. He plans instead to respond to any Orlando-style terrorist attack with a flurry of Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles [ICBMs] straight from silos under the New Mexico desert. Long before that Turkey will be gone from D-8, which it founded. President Recep Tayyib Erdogan’s plan to resuscitate the Ottoman Empire is being limited by D-8.

Reports say Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Kirgizstan, Tajikistan and Turkmenistan are planning a joint Stanexit from the Commonwealth of Independent States, CIS. They hope to incorporate Pakistan and Afghanistan into a new Stanistan with the capital at Dushanbe.

They are not alone. Central American nations are planning a joint Latinexit from the Organisation of American States, OAS. Their grouse is that an American geography book said The Americas are made up of North and South America, and they are neither.

Switzerland too is doing a Swissexit from the world and is expelling all the international agencies camped in Geneva and Zurich. It said if they are there because of a lakeside view, they should go and line up on the shores of Lake Chad.

India has already begun an Indexit from International Cricket Council, ICC. With a billion people, India wins only a few bronze medals at Olympic Games, allegedly due to Indians’ vegetarian diet. It now wants all Test Cricket to take place in Mumbai.

Argentina too, plans an Argexit from the Roman Catholic Church. It intends to recall Pope Francis to resume his old job as Archbishop of Buenos Aires in order to protest Italian domination of the College of Cardinals and of the Vatican bureaucracy, the Roman Curia.

The only exit that will be bigger than that is a simultaneous Saudexit from OPEC and the Organisation of Islamic Conference, OIC. Saudi Arabia is quitting the former because it believes that an incoming OPEC secretary general from an economically depressed member state will manoeuvre behind the scenes in order to achieve a production cut. As for OIC, the Saudis believe a Saudexit will stem the tide of three million pilgrims besieging its holy cities every year and overwhelming its Royal Ministry of Hajj Affairs.

Naija no dey carry last. Presidency has ordered the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to trigger the mechanism for Nigeria’s withdrawal from ECOWAS. Nigeria plans to replace Britain in EU and to create a pretext, EFCC will accuse ECOWAS Secretariat of laundering Cedis, CFA francs and Leones. A secret document seen by Daily Trust said Nigeria will demand that the 1975 Treaty of Lagos, which it said General Gowon signed without holding a referendum, should be renamed after Accra, Niamey, Freetown or any other city that wants it.

The Presidency’s only fear is that President Idris Deby will beat us to it by doing a Chadexit from the Lake Chad Basin Commission, LCBC. What is Chad Basin without Chad? Idris Deby hardly needs parliamentary approval for a Chadexit but here, the National Assembly could delay approval until there is a Sarakexit from the Code of Conduct Tribunal.

Authoritative sources say Boko Haram is planning a Bokexit from Islamic State in order to protest IS’ planned admission of Niger Delta Avengers. Tompolo, who vanished from Nigeria, was recently seen in Raqqa paying homage to Abubakar Al-Baghdadi and the IS Imam has issued a fatwa saying even though the Avengers have different ideological goals, they will be admitted into IS as a “strategic partner.” IS is even contemplating a change of name to Islamic State of Iraq, the Levant and the Niger Delta.

And then the final exit. The Whiteman is planning a Whitexit from Earth. NASA and the European Space Agency have secretly lined up rockets to send all Whites to Mars and leave us here. They started this project in the 1990s, when an angry black American man seized hostages and said as condition for their release, “the US President must apologise for the Trans Atlantic Slave Trade and all Whites should leave this planet within seven days.”

*Jega can be reached via: [email protected] or 08054102925 (SMS only)