40 and still blaming the parents

For many, everything that didn’t turn out right in their life is as a result of something parents, did or said wrong. In down times, it is very easy to remember one particularly abusive word a mother or father consistently used on them, which as a result, has given them a perception of themselves which […]

For many, everything that didn’t turn out right in their life is as a result of something parents, did or said wrong.
In down times, it is very easy to remember one particularly abusive word a mother or father consistently used on them, which as a result, has given them a perception of themselves which they have grown up with. Does this then make adults justified to blame their parents or have their children blame them for when things take a down turn?
Most respondents generally consider it very foolish for a 40-year-old to blame his parents for his failures in life.
According to Mrs. Mairo Okeke, “such people deserve what they get and shouldn’t blame their parents at all. I think they fail because they are unnecessarily lazy and it is convenient to pass the blame on. Even when they have been given the best of opportunities to exploit and all provisions made available to them, they still want to be spoon-fed.”
In spite of this, there is no deadline for when anybody should wake up from = slumber and make meaning out of their life, the mother of three, emphasises. Anatheist turned Christian author, C. S. Lewis rightly states: “you are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.’ As long as they are ready to weather the success storm, they can make changes in their lives.”
“A fool at 40 is a fool forever,” Ahmed Giwa quotes, saying  “no matter what, I think everyone’s destiny should be in his hands. So, to keep blaming ones parents even at 40 is a foolish thing to do.”
Jummai Ani perceives it as  hugely irresponsible . “I see such people as having very tilted and unrealistic view of life. But basically I feel that everyone has influences when he is growing up. At a point in our childhood our parents make decisions for us, some good, and some bad. And this happens to everyone without exception. As we mature through our teens we begin to make decisions for ourselves and take full charge of our lives.
“So, if at 40 or over, a person is still blaming his parents for the way his life turned out, then to me they are completely delusional; because for those people who are successes, they didn’t have the best parents or the wisest ones; nobody does,” the kiddies author added.
Barr. Remi Atunwa said it is a foolish attitude for a 40-year-old to have. “Having interacted with all sorts of people and being exposed to different situations whilst growing up, they should have been influenced some way or the other, except they didn’t let any of these impact or have any influence on them. Whatever the case, they should have moved forward and made amendments to whatever their parents have caused. Sometimes the parents might not have taken decisions to warrant their purported failures,” he said.
Giving a slightly different dimension, Arome Adejoh, says a 40-year-old could blame his or her parents for a variety of reasons and over a number of issues that have probably brewed or been brewing for years. One of the most popular reasons for this blame game may be a marriage gone sour.
Another scenario is if the marriage is crashing and the daughter holds the mother responsible for the advice given over time. For the man, it could be that he loses his wife because of the interference of his mother in their affairs or a father who has directed his life towards a particular career and is suddenly no more.”
Many parents don’t know how their children interpret the things they say or do to them. And usually most children stick with the most negative of interpretations. Maybe as adults they are able to reanalyze those things and see that they misinterpreted their parents or they are more understanding and sympathetic of the circumstances surrounding their parents’ utterances and behaviours.
Abigail Anyiam, a makeup artiste shares her experience. “I was raised by my mother after my dad abandoned us since I was only six months. Before she had me, she had suffered seven miscarriages and a stillbirth. Growing up, she tried her best to provide for me, but in the process said so many horrible things, that a lot of time I would ask myself and people around if she really was my mum.
“As an adult, I better understand how devastating such a time was for her and how she probably saw my dad through me. I still feel very hurt by those things she did and being friends with her is still a problem though she’s made attempts to amend our relationship. But what I was able to do, was to find strength in those negativities and use them as challenges to prove to her that I would do better than her words meant to me,” she said.
People react differently to situations. For some, these words and actions against them are like water off a duck’s back. They forget them and move on. For others, it engraved in them and forms a mirror of how they see themselves. In many cases, their self-esteem and self-worth diminishes.
But in all of this, you are an adult now and probably even have a family and other people who are looking up to you. Will you then say your problems and mistakes are your parents fault?
Blogger, Wendy Keller, quotes ‘What You Can Change and What You Can’t’ author, Dr. Martin Seligman, said, that as a culture, we’re raised to blame our parents for our misfortunes and maladjustments as adults, but in reality, who we’ve become has more to do with our own habits and external circumstances. Doubt it? Look at your siblings, or the siblings from any family.  How similar are those people as adults? Yet all were raised in the same environment. Thus it can’t just be environment that determines happiness or success in adulthood.’
Keller goes on to advise: “If you’re an adult and you’re blaming your parents for all the bad, maybe even heinous things they did to you, figure out how to get over it.  You don’t have to carry it your whole life.  If they were evil and meant to harm you, avoid them.  If they were just normal humans who got tired or stressed and took it out on their kids; or had addictions or frailties that negatively affected you, let it go. For your own good!”
She adds that the same goes for all of us who did our best to raise children, or who are currently in the process. “You made mistakes. Those mistakes caused some amount of harm to your child(ren).  You can carry the shame and guilt if you want to, but it will only damage your relationships with your children, and make you feel awful.  Confess and apologize – even if your kids can’t accept it.  All anyone can expect from you is for you to acknowledge your mistakes and move on. How the other person responds, well, that’s their problem.”
The world isn’t likely to be sympathetic if at forty you still carry on grudges from things your parents did to them and use that as a weapon.