A chip off the old block

‘Assalamu alaikum Ummi’, I heard my friend’s newly wedded daughter Farida saying, joining Ummi in the garden.   ‘How is newly-wedded bliss?’ Ummi said when her visitor took a seat opposite. ‘Look at this small girl,’ Farida observed with laughter, ‘what do you know about wedded bliss?’ ‘Just what I’ve heard the old ones saying.’ […]

‘Assalamu alaikum Ummi’, I heard my friend’s newly wedded daughter Farida saying, joining Ummi in the garden.

 

‘How is newly-wedded bliss?’ Ummi said when her visitor took a seat opposite.

‘Look at this small girl,’ Farida observed with laughter, ‘what do you know about wedded bliss?’

‘Just what I’ve heard the old ones saying.’ Ummi replied, laughing back.

‘Well there is more to that mythical bliss than meets the eye little girl, which is why I came to see Anti Bint. Is she is back from work’

‘Yes she is, but she returned with one of her phenomenal headaches. Before she locked her room she said to me ‘Ummi, you are in charge, deal with any emergency, handle your siblings, cook and nanny.  Unless this house is on fire, don’t wake me, I need an hour’s rest before Magrib, my head is splitting.’ I heard my daughter mimicking my voice while telling Farida.

‘What rotten luck, to think that I timed myself so well in order to meet her and pour out my heart. And I can’t remain here till Magrib. I have to go back home and cook,’ Farida mourned.

‘But you can pour your heart out to me, maybe I can help.’ Ummi offered.

‘You! Please shut up, Ummi. What do you know about marriages and ruined honeymoons?’ Farida observed dejectedly.

‘Ok, but I can at least tell her that you came and this is what the problem is,’ Ummi insisted.

‘Tell Anti Bint that since the wedding I have done nothing but cook. Visitors troop in by the dozen, every one of my waking moments is spent either cooking or serving. I have no help apart from the little house girl Mummy got for me. I am nothing but a glorified housekeeper. And some of these visitors are so inconsiderate they remain till 10 or 11pm chatting with Farouk and asking for tea and drinks. I have been telling him that I get really exhausted doing all this entertaining, that he should find a way to get them to leave earlier but he keeps telling me that all newlyweds suffer the same fate, that it will end in a few weeks time. The truth is I don’t think I can stand a few more weeks of this. The housework I have done in the last four weeks, I have never done in my whole life,’ she explained.

‘Poor you. Did you talk to your mum about this?’ Ummi asked.

‘You know Mum loves to cook, it’s her life’s passion, so the moment I complain she’ll say it’s because I don’t love cooking the way she does. She just won’t understand. But look at my hands. Do you know how long it took my bridal henna to disappear? Five days! When it was guaranteed to last two weeks. Look, I’m so overworked and miserable that all I do the moment I put my head on the pillow is sleep.’

‘That’s good. At least you get to rest.’

‘But that’s not the idea. Brides don’t sleep. At least not all the time. Oh, I should have known you are too young to understand. Just tell Anti Bint I will come back tomorrow. Let’s pray she doesn’t have another headache,’ Farida said, rising up.

‘Calm down and sit again Yaya Farida, my mum can’t help you with this problem because she never went through it,’   Ummi answered simply.

‘What? How come?’

‘Well, from what I heard, Mum never cooked for my father till five weeks after their wedding and then it was just the two of them.’

‘Really? Please explain this miracle.’

‘Apparently they got married when Dad was on some foreign assignment. He came back home, they got married and drove straight to our federal capital for their honeymoon, because according to Dad, they didn’t need a house. For the next four weeks, they had a mobile home where they travelled from one place to another, eating hotel meals, or being hosted by friends, en route to their destination. Five weeks later, they finally reached ‘home’ but they were in a foreign land where no one was rushing for the bridal meal,’ Ummi concluded. Did I tell her all this, I wondered from my vantage point, on my bed.

‘How lucky can one get? Five weeks of pure honeymoon bliss and no bridal guests. Anti Bint was lucky, pure and simple,’ Farida responded.

‘It gets better, Yaya Farida. After they settled down, Dad started a diet programme called the Hay System. So rather than an early morning rush to the kitchen to make an elaborate meal for the groom, Mum needed to only cut up fruit and bring out yoghurt. Her husband would help himself to a simple ‘alkaline’ meal in the name of Hay. Mum never started cooking before noon. And this lasted for a whole year.’

‘Please don’t say any more. Ummi. You will make me die of envy,’ Farida joked.

‘I don’t blame you, given what you are going through. Her friends always joked that she had a year-long honeymoon but she always claimed that she more than paid back for it when they returned. You know then people trooped in, not for bridal meals, but to have a look at me, and of course she had to cook and cook, with a baby in tow.’

‘Did she tell you all this?’

‘No, but I’ve often heard her reminisce about her fairy tale honeymoon and its aftermath with Anti Asabe and Anti Maryam,’ Ummi replied.

‘Well that still leaves me where I am, slaving while on honeymoon,’ said Farida.

‘I think you can liberate yourself from that domestic ordeal if you really wish,’  Ummi  said.

‘Really? How?’

‘First of all, you should yawn, excuse yourself and disappear as soon as the dishes are done after dinner. That should discourage any chatty guest from staying too long. If he still stays, at least you’ve had your rest by the time Yaya Farouk is able to extricate himself. No. 2, you should always have a weekend outing. Most of those bridal meal visitors are more menacing over the weekend, at least so I heard. So give them only one day of the week and keep the other to yourself. For instance, early every Saturday morning, pack a small breakfast and leave the house early. Go for a picnic, just the two of you. Eat, rest, read a book or just talk, but make sure it’s just the two of you.’

‘Wow, Ummi, are you real? It’s almost like talking to an adult with a lot of experience. Where did you learn all this from?’

‘Well, Mum always talked about how they reached to each other’s hearts and developed a strong bond through those family outings. When we came along, we just fit into a ritual they’d already established. The outings were always fun and memorable. And we still do them, though not as regularly as before, but it’s a family tradition we value very much,’ Ummi answered.

‘Thank you very much, Ummi. I didn’t think I would be saying this, but talking to you was like talking to Anti Bint,’ she said, rising from her chair.

‘And what did you expect,’ I said to myself, smiling from my bed. Ummi is a chip off the old block.