A farm conversation

Aide 1: Good morning sir. I hope you slept well sir. Mr President: I did. Just the pain in my side. But I will be fine. If Nigeria doesn’t kill me, nothing will kill me. Aide 2: You are fine daddy. You are perfect. You are holy. Mr President: Thank you. Give me the run […]

Aide 1: Good morning sir. I hope you slept well sir.

Mr President: I did. Just the pain in my side. But I will be fine. If Nigeria doesn’t kill me, nothing will kill me.

Aide 2: You are fine daddy. You are perfect. You are holy.

Mr President: Thank you. Give me the run down for today.

Aide 1: Well sir, the old man has decided to come home…

Aide 2: He finally did it sir.

Mr President: Look I know I can do no wrong and all, but I am not a magician. I cannot read your minds. Who do you mean by old man.

Aide 1: Oh sorry daddy. I mean Sole Woyinka sir. With the plenty white hair.

Mr. President: Ah Sole! The white hair is not even that plenty. The man has aged. The hair is thinning out. But that is good. Is he visiting us?

Aide 2: Sir, we meant he is coming back to live here permanently.

Mr President: What? Like forever? Whatever happened to Amer…

Aide 1: Sir he swore to destroy his green card if the orange man won the elections there.

Aide 2: And the people online made fun of him daring him to do it sir.

Mr President: Like on a school playground?

Aide 1: Yes sir, just like the people who, bored of two people staring at each other and not fighting, slap both people and say: whoever feels the pain most should retaliate.

Mr President: Wonderful. So they made him tear the green card?

Aide 2: Yes sir. And he is relocating.

Mr President: You are sure he is not going to England? It will be terrible to have him here. You know how he doesn’t mind his business.

Aide 1: Unfortunately sir, he is coming here.

Mr President: This is why I said we should increase the data tariffs. It is because these people can afford to spend all day on Facingbook and Tweeter.

Aide 2: Facebook and Twitter sir.

Mr President: Whatever.

Aide 2: Sorry sir.

Mr President: So why did we not increase it again?

Aide 1: NCC backed down after people protested online sir.

Mr President: So, we can’t increase the cost of data to stop people from protesting because they will protest.

Aide 2: Something like that sir.

Mr President: Where are we with the rice harvest? Still expecting a bumper harvest like Audu said ko?

Aide 1: Errrm, not really sir.

Mr President: What is not really?

Aide 2: Sir they have predicted a famine.

Mr President: How did we go from bumper harvest to famine? What will we tell Nigerians?

Aide 1: It is ok sir, we will just blame the previous government.

Aide 2: And worst case scenario, they will blame the Minister, not you. You did not make the promise.

Mr President. You have a point. And where are we with the dollar. How much today?

Aide 1: Depends on which rate sir.

Mr President: How many rates are there?

Aide 2: A few sir. Interbank. CBN. Special rates.

Aide 1: But the Naira is still not doing good.

Mr President: What is the CBN governor doing? What do I tell Nigerians?

Aide 1: Nothing sir. They already blame the governor. They don’t like him.

Aide 2: They are even calling for his sack. So you are fine sir. No one is blaming you.

Mr President: That’s good. What of 2019? Any more rascals making noise?

Aide 1: Your friend appears to have backed down for now. No public moves. He is facing being Governor.

Aide 2: Except Mr Atiku sir. But we are trying to get his file sir.

Mr President: Ok. I will deal with that tomorrow. Where are we travelling to next?

Aide 1: I’ll check the schedule sir.

Aide 2. It is time for our first appointment sir.

Mr President: Ok. Brief me on the way.