A game of moral dilemma

‘Is it that obvious, Ma?’Hadiza asked, taking the chair opposite mine.   ‘Yes it is obvious that you are carrying a heavy heart. I mean you are easily the most cheerful member of my team, you move around greeting everyone, smiling and chatting. Yet today there is none of that. It’s almost as if you […]

‘Is it that obvious, Ma?’Hadiza asked, taking the chair opposite mine.

 

‘Yes it is obvious that you are carrying a heavy heart. I mean you are easily the most cheerful member of my team, you move around greeting everyone, smiling and chatting. Yet today there is none of that. It’s almost as if you were sick, but then you’ve been doing your work as diligently as before, that was when I decided that whatever your problem is, it is surely not physical. I decided to seek you out during lunch break. Do you feel like talking about it?’

‘Yes, indeed, it will be a relief to talk about it. I just hope I won’t take too much of your time’.

‘No, feel free, we have an hour-long break and you can share my lunch while we talk.’

‘Ok, you see we have a problem that’s threatening our marriage but I fear that talking about it with my husband will make me sound selfish or inconsiderate or both. I know I can’t continue living with the way things are.’

‘I see. Tell me all about it,’ I urged.

‘My husband has this nephew who is very close to him. The young man grew up in their house because he lost his father at the age of ten and his mum went off to marry soon afterwards. Now he is 24 years old and lives with us. Ahmed said he never invited him but since they had always shared a room when he was a bachelor, he probably thought wherever Ahmed goes he goes. So he moved in with us the week after our wedding and believe me Ma, he is the ultimate pain in the neck. In everything we do, he has to be included. When we go out with my husband, he sits on the front seat, while I sit at the back. Whatever plans we make within the four walls of our bedroom, he will abort them if they do not serve his interest.  Do you know that even after we had decided what to call our first son, he had the guts to debate with us on the demerits of naming our child after my father in law? I had to step my foot down and say that this is our son and we will name him the way we wanted. Whenever I complain to Ahmed about his insolent ways, he will avoid confronting him and rather say ‘the poor orphan’ has no one but him.  Today, I intend to tell him that there is no orphan at the age of 24. In Islam you cease to be an orphan from the time you become an adult. I plan to tell him that Nafi’u has to leave our home and return to the family house or wherever else he wants to go because he is a graduate and can find a job. I also intend to say it’s either this or I leave. But I also keep worrying whether it is the right thing to do. Yet the young man drives me totally insane.’

‘I know how you feel’ I said after she concluded. ‘I recently had such an experience with my husband. We finally resolved it one Saturday morning when I woke up with a resolve to dust off my two bookshelves. It’s a task I always prefer to do myself because I know exactly where I want to keep each book. But it also takes me time because two bookshelves in one bedroom mean a lot of books to dust off. So I always play some music while I dust. I was listening to Michael Jackson’s last song ‘This is it’ when I heard Tahir’s footsteps.

‘Unless you plan to memorise this song in preparation for some exam, you should move on to the next track. This must be the fifth time you are replaying it,’ he said, sitting on my bed.

‘I didn’t know you were listening,’ I said, without looking at him.

‘I can’t help listening really; the door to my room was open. I was trying to read the weekend papers but all I hear is this song over and over again,’ Tahir complained.

‘Well, there is no danger of anyone cramming it. The children are in the garden studying the Qur’an with Ustaz. And you can trust that my brain is too old to start any such task,’ I answered, still avoiding his eyes.

‘So why were you playing and replaying?’

‘Maybe because this is really it.’

‘Meaning?’

‘Meaning that I have heard all about your marriage proposition to Asabe. How could you, Tahir – how could you?’ I finally raised my eyes to look at him.

‘But this is something I expect you to understand. You know what brought it about.’

‘I only know one thing Tahir, that this is my very best friend we are talking about. And that if her husband was foolish enough to divorce her and destroy his family because of his superstition, I didn’t expect you to join him and destroy two families in the process.’

‘Surely you know that you are over-reacting don’t you? Because if you have heard the whole story, then you must know that both Ibrahim and I did the proposal,‘ Tahir said defensively.

‘Yes I’d heard that much, that the two of you said she should chose between you so you can help her raise the children. I have never heard such queer logic before in my life. These children are not orphans, their father just committed the mistake of his life and now they have a broken home. By the time either of you marries their mother, we will have two broken homes and then what have you achieved?’ I demanded.

‘Look Bint, this whole thing was done in good faith. We had the best of intentions.’

‘You had what? If you had any good intentions, then you would have told us. Ask around, that’s what all do-gooders do when they are marrying their friend’s widows. They tell their wives first, then get them to understand the motive behind the decision, but in your case, she had to tell us after turning you two down. What happens if she had decided to accept you? Then we wouldn’t know till the IV has been printed? Be honest with yourselves Tahir, this was not an act in good faith, if she hadn’t been so pretty, I don’t think you two would have bothered.  Luckily, in addition to being beautiful, she is also a loyal friend who wouldn’t want to hurt us.’

‘Believe me Bint, you are free to give this the narrow, selfish interpretation you want. But if I am only after another pretty face, will I go for a mother of seven in her early forties? Surely there are lots of younger women with much less liability out there.’  He replied rising up.

‘Yes there are but there is no guarantee they will be willing to have you.’ I hit back.

‘Do you want me to try? Ok, Bint. I take this as a challenge to try the younger generation.‘ And with that he strode out of the room. So you see, I tried to tell you this whole story because before confronting him I suffered this same moral dilemma you are going through. Asabe had called Maryam and I to her house to thank us for letting our husbands propose to her, while also explaining why she had to turn them down.  We’ve been friends for over two decades, we couldn’t lie to her that they consulted us. So we told her the truth that we didn’t even know of their plans. We left her house feeling totally betrayed. At what point did they intend to tell us? We wondered. But deep down we knew they were trying to be kind and helpful, but we also know what their kindness could cost our marriages and our friendship.’

‘So, for five days I moved around that house not knowing how to bring it up without betraying the fact that I was selfish or inconsiderate. In the end you heard how the conversation went. So my advice is, sit Ahmed down and thoroughly discuss his nephew. Don’t give an ultimatum but make sure you tell him things can’t go on the way they are. Chase away your feeling of guilt and put your marriage first. He should understand that his selfish nephew is no longer an orphan. Good luck Hadiza, you are going to need it.’

‘Thanks a lot Ma,’ she said standing up, ‘but I’m just curious, what if Oga Tahir really takes up your challenge?’

‘Ahm, I don’t think he will, and so help me God,’ I replied with a smile.