A gift of language from Dan Quayle

Americans have elected all manners of leaders; including orators like Obama.  From time to time, however, they bring in even those who struggle with the mother tongue.  President Donald Trump’s struggles with the English language reminds me of the column I wrote about Dan Quayle in 2010, which was prompted by George Bush’s own struggles […]

Americans have elected all manners of leaders; including orators like Obama.  From time to time, however, they bring in even those who struggle with the mother tongue.  President Donald Trump’s struggles with the English language reminds me of the column I wrote about Dan Quayle in 2010, which was prompted by George Bush’s own struggles with the language.  Enjoy!

You’ve certainly heard, read or watch George W. Bush desecrating his own mother tongue – a phenomenon that’s been termed “bushism” or “bushspeak.”

The great statesman has authored gems such as: “I’m telling youthere’s an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again.There just is. That’s the reality of the world. And I wish him all the

very best.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009.

There’s even a book celebrating his oratory: “The Ultimate George W.

Bushisms: Bush at War (With the English Language)” written by Jacob Weisberg.

However, Bush’s mastery of the fine art of embarrassing statements doesn’t compare with the master verbaliser and rhetorician extraordinaire – Dan Quayle, the 44th Vice President of the USA.  While Bush may sometimes get things right, the only time his father’s VP didn’t make a fool of himself and embarrass his quite articulate wife was when he was silent – a rather infrequent occurrence.

You see as a vice president, besides his domestic duties, he travelled to 47 countries and while there, he wasn’t allow to just stare at the foreigners, he had to say something.  It was in the process of performing that sacred duty and other ones at home that he gifted the world a language to treasure, quotable quotes of immeasurable importance.

The gift has been packaged in numerous books by hecklers of different hues. Some of the titles are: “Dan Quayle: Airhead Apparent : A Fair,

Unbiased Look at Our Nation’s Most Dangerous Dimwit” by Paul Slansky and Steve Radlauer; and “Imperial Caddy: The Rise of Dan Quayle in America and the Decline and Fall of Practically Everything Else” by Joe Queenan; all of them written in 1992.

It was in secondary school that I discovered one of such books in a second hand bookstore: “The Dan Quayle Quiz Book: For People Who Think They Are Smarter Than the Vice President” by Jeremy Solomon and Ken Brady authored in 1989.

It was a time that I fancied myself as a writer but who was also suffering from the treacherous machinations of a sadist language.

Thus whenever the language waylaid me, I whipped out my Quayle Quiz, had a good laugh and comforted myself that I was in good company.

Like in secondary school, I’ve the need to read that book now.  You see, since I came back from Nigeria about three weeks ago, I couldn’t finish the journal article on systems engineering and expert systems I started before going to Nigeria. For the 170th time, English has confronted me with the fact that my vocabulary is limited, that my creativity is dangerously below par and to rub it in, that I’m an intellectual lightweight.

So I need my Quayle book to reassure me that I’m not alone.  But the book has disappeared – as my books often do. I probably, on my own volition, gave it to a friend who likely didn’t care to read it and certainly didn’t care to return it.  

But thanks to the Internet, I can google “Dan Quayle quotes” and get reacquainted with my favourite politician.  And so I did.  Below I share some of the treasures with you.

Even if you have no single funny bone in you, I dare you not to laugh.

“The holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history.… No, not our nation’s, but in World War II. I mean, we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century, but in this century’s history.” Now you have to be a genius to decipher that.

The United Negro College Fund has a slogan “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” How more straight forward can that be? But trust Dan Quayle to work his magic; he mangled that beautiful slogan and then shredded it. In an address to the UNCF he said, “You take the UNCF model that what a waste it is to lose one’s mind or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”

 George Bush Sr. made Dan Quayle first chairman of the Space Exploration initiative.  When he was asked about his thoughts on the programme he readily answered, “Mars is essentially in the same orbit [as Earth]….Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”

 For this one, he was adequately berated by the public: at an elementary school spelling competition, he corrected a child’s spelling of “potato” to “potatoe” although the school gave him the

cards that contained both the correct spellings and misspelt words.

Then he turned preacher “I pledge allegiance to the Christian flag, and to the Savior, for whose Kingdom it stands, one Savior, crucified, risen, and coming again, with life and liberty for all who believe. ”

On his relationship with George Bush he said, “I spend a great deal of time with the President. We have a very close, personal, loyal relationship. I’m not, as they say, a potted plant in these meetings.” Professor Jega(INECChairman) needs to read this: “A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”

He has something for SanusiLamido (Central Bank Governor) too, “Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.” 

The recently closed micro finance banks have a defence: it’s the depositors’ fault!