A medal for Dambazau

It’s almost a year since President Jones and his lady packed out of the Rock of Offense aka Camp Buhari. But the legendary Fresh Air did nothing to the stench they left behind. Abdurrahman Dambazau, our interior minister is angry and his fury is not about suspected Fulani herdsmen slaughtering fellow compatriots. Dambazau, a retired […]

It’s almost a year since President Jones and his lady packed out of the Rock of Offense aka Camp Buhari. But the legendary Fresh Air did nothing to the stench they left behind. Abdurrahman Dambazau, our interior minister is angry and his fury is not about suspected Fulani herdsmen slaughtering fellow compatriots. Dambazau, a retired general much used to being waited on has seen many troubles. Under his watch insecurity, kidnapping, armed robbery and other social vices for which canji was voted have increased – well according to social media.
Dambazau would love to share the military manual to end insurrections, except that the seven-feet Solomon Arase apparently measures shoulders with him. He would not sit at the minister’s waiting room or stand in attention for Monday morning briefings. Arase has not learnt any lesson from Dambazau’s lanky chief detail who knows how to make his master happy. Every day, the guy accompanies his Oga at the Top to public functions with four weapons in his pocket – a DSS licensed service pistol; a rag, a cotton handkerchief, and a Kiwi shoe polish.
Dambazau’s chief detail knows that the general pays scrupulous attention to his dressing. This ex-general may have been pulled out of the army; he hates having a speck of sand on his cherished Italian leather. Apparently, Mrs Dambazau pays copious attention to her husband’s dapper look especially before television cameras. So, whenever that stubborn speck of dirt drops on the General’s fur, he expects his security detail to do the needful – get down and dirty; give the shoe a clean wipe with the hankie, apply the Kiwi, then polish with the cotton handkerchief until he could see his own reflection. 
Well, some mischievous peasants with no understanding of sartorial elegance captured this act of loyalty on their cheap Chinese phones and posted it on – wait for it – social media. Remember that the wizard of Ota believes that loyalty especially to generals must be 120%. This is very difficult to decipher by those of us who did not stay long enough in Maths class to find our square roots. The offensive picture that showed up on social media could have made a normal minister resign his position and be sued by the serf – but only in America where Obama has denigrated public office by carrying his own umbrella while his service agent walks with flailing arms. Of course, we are not normal and the minister smartly ignored that obvious abuse of public office and trust and returned home to hug Hajiya Dambazau, because to borrow Jaafar Isa’s meme, public resignations especially for such minor misdemeanour are – not in our character! Nevertheless, the general felt scandalized enough to know that an unfettered social media is mightier than the artillery – ask General Buratai after the Zaria massacre. You can pressboys to see, hear and feel nothing, but you can’t stop social media.
This is where there is a relevant link with President Jones if we mastered our history lessons. This clarification is for those who allege that I am in the habit of calling the name of President Jones in vain. As the great Liebaron Maku taught us in contemporary media history class, it was President Jones that brought Facebook to Naija.  
Anyway, since the incident that turned a chief detail into shobata or shoeshine boy, Dambazau has learnt to suspect social media. If his Hajiya fails to add enough nono to his fura or vice versa, he blames social media. If his outrider fails to stop its siren before sauntering into the Zazzau emirate headquarters, he blames social media.   When marauders suspected to be Fulani herdsmen carried out pogrom in Agatuland, you would have thought that a decorated ex-general interior minister would display some gallantry by going there to teach them hard lessons – no apologies, it didn’t happen or might be the social media did not report it.  When five northerners were allegedly massacred in Aba, and the DSS blamed Biafrauds, Dambazau was missing in action.
Now that war has shifted to fuel stations, Dambazau has propounded a great theory – blame social media for escalating the Fulani menace. Of course the minister must be talking from intelligence as the man in charge of the interior of things? After all he is in charge of the police, the prisons, immigration and ordinarily, the DSS and customs had it not been willed to Netanyahu. Whoever takes responsibility for laxity when there are things to be blamed? It is evident that the minister is spending so much time on social media, analysing posts, memes and pictures on the issue of Fulani clashes. He must have made contributions to sinnator Bala Na’Allah’s social media bill which is now being shut down by wicked social media campaigners. Since the man has a doctorate in criminology, let’s honour him at the first anniversary of canji by giving him grand commander of blame. He truly earned it with his research!