A medal for Yakubu Jacob

Marriage is the biggest industry in most parts of the world. Princess Mako of Japan is losing her royal rights for opting to marry a ‘commoner’. That is marital royal blood transfusion even when some people think its misogynist on the account that a Japanese prince’s marriage to a commoner would have had the opposite […]

Marriage is the biggest industry in most parts of the world. Princess Mako of Japan is losing her royal rights for opting to marry a ‘commoner’. That is marital royal blood transfusion even when some people think its misogynist on the account that a Japanese prince’s marriage to a commoner would have had the opposite effect. You may be unemployed and nobody would give a hoot, but if you are a single woman of marriageable age in some states of Arewa land, that won’t be acceptable. Ditto if you are widowed or divorced – these are reasons for the state to invite itself to be your protégé. Your mai angwa or ward head enters you into a database of marriageable people and that is sunnah. 

Now, don’t import that bunkum boko concept of being single and happy – the state knows that true happiness is found only in marriage – a union between a man and a woman. Once in the database, a health check is ordered to rule out any STDs; then a date is set for your worry-free marriage to a willing or consenting male.

Those who say that there is no socialism in Naija express their ignorance; a social welfare state is in place in some areas. It’s a panacea for the extirpation of sin, that harbinger of strange strains of diseases. If in doubt, ask Governor Yari of Zamfara State. In Yari’s spiritual cartography, the angel of calamity does not honour military-drawn boundaries. This is why a sin committed in Lagos could cause havoc or a plague in Gusau.

 Marriage is good and anything good is a floating idea not subject to the laws of plagiarism – state sponsored marriage is a floating fad finding root in boko-haram strived Yobe. This is where I must introduce Yobe’s conscientious philanthropist with the curious name of Yakubu Jacob who has drawn the attention of the Yobe State governor to a duty he is shirking – reducing unemployment and social misery by marrying off nubile damsels thereby preventing the wrath of the gods. According to newspaper reports, not long ago, Yakubu Jacob scouted Yobe’s displaced people’s camps identifying young people of marriageable age. His matchmaking skills found 40 candidates worthy of sponsorship. In Naijaspeak, he found the need and did the needful. 

In some parts of Naija, he would have been given a befitting chieftaincy title, an induction into royalty not known to the Japanese. There are specialists who find appropriate titles to reward deserving deeds. I am making a subtle appeal to the Sai Baba crew to include Mr/Mal Jacob Yakubu for national honours of equal standing to that held by Aliko Dangote; failure which I may carry placards in Damaturu. 

Having set the pace, a group of other indigent marriageable bachelors and spinsters have emerged from the displaced people’s camps elsewhere in Yobe with an SOS to our new philanthropist. Now, fifty additional adults of marriageable age who have found love but not the means of consummating it in a halal way have sent their petition to Jacob Yakubu. Now the Yobe State government wants in on the adulation by endorsing the idea and fixing a date for the ceremony, which may cost a few thousand (not millions). It is a heartening thing to see a citizen’s act waking the sleeping conscience of governments and given the opportunity, I would have smuggled some known names onto the list. 

In this country where wicked NGOs blackmail government by claiming that unemployment rate is over 70%, our greatest problem is not unemployment – it is the unconsumed passion of bachelors, spinsters and willing married men who cannot satisfy their will because they cannot afford the high cost of the nuptial ceremony.

I believe that Yakubu Jacob has a thriving industry in Yobe absolving unemployment if any in Yobe and environs. This is why the Yobe government wants to share in the man’s glory. Sorry Geidam, no medals for you unless you find the funds to put the 90 new couples on a generous subsistence allowance – that is sunnah! As anyone who is saddled with marriage knows, the ceremony is just the start of the conjugal shindig. Marriages, including that of the famous and the mighty run into troubled waters when traditional breadwinnership roles are reversed. In Naija, the married do it to procreate and that means additional mouths to feed. I believe this won’t be a problem in Yobe because almajirci itself is a machine that makes money and absolves parents of natural burdens. 

I know Governor Ambode is the governor’s governor but I dare him to sponsor people of marriageable age in Lagos State and see what happens to his touted IGR. Yet even Ambode knows what Paul wrote to the Corinthians – it is better to marry than to burn! Ambode’s headache is to create jobs and tax the employed, et toi Geidam?