A New Year wish list

In western homes where the Christmas tradition originated, it is customary for children to put their wish list under the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve so that Santa Claus could deliver based on their good conduct during the year. I missed the Christmas tree, because in Okeagi, there are no Christmas trees. So, I have […]

In western homes where the Christmas tradition originated, it is customary for children to put their wish list under the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve so that Santa Claus could deliver based on their good conduct during the year. I missed the Christmas tree, because in Okeagi, there are no Christmas trees. So, I have invented my post-Christmas wish list.
Under President Jones, I was not smart enough to access Santa Dasuki before he returned to his grotto, hopefully never to return again. The biggest lesson from Santa Dasuki is that the ashes of a dead fire could result in third-degree burns. For those who miss Santa Dasuki gifts, they could always hold their heads high though the currency of integrity is not exchanged for bags of Ofada rice in Wuse market.
I hate to leave my Muslim friends out of my New Year wish list perchance they have not read roving reporter Reuben Apati that the predominantly Muslim Senegalese nation celebrate Christmas than Rome does. They may be gloating over Somalia, which has banned both Christmas and New Year celebrations.
So, as 2015 rolls its carpet for storage into the scandalous museum of antiquity, I want to reverse the trend. My first wish is that wailing wailers would locate that subhead in the budget, where Sai Baba designated N1.7 billion for feeding. Combined in weight, both Sai Baba and Osinbajo are not up to the left lap of Bastard Okugbe; they shouldn’t be that hard to feed. Remembering the sachets of Milo that Sai Baba was taking for breakfast during the campaigns, I would recommend Mambila green tea for mental alertness for men their age. If Sai Baba accepts this recommendation of tea over beverage, my elder brother, Timawus Mathias would supply him enough sachets in his boot at regular cost thereby minimizing the avaricious middleman.
Now, if the wailing wailers cannot find that provision in the budget breakdown, I pray that they find the decorum to apologize for overheating the polity and to show that painful as their electoral shellacking, they are committed to rebuilding the nation. On the other hand, I wish that hailing hailers would realize too that Sai Baba is not Anabi. If he drinks fura da nono, kunun tsamiya or danwake he also goes to the toilet and not infallible. This means that when he goofs, as he is bound to do; we should heckle him hard so that he can improve. The largest room in the Villa is labeled ‘Room for Improvement’. Sai Baba should use the broom better than witches and wizards.
In the New Year, I wish that Sai Baba will forgive the Naija press and begin to carry them along in the running of government and for that, I wish that Alhaji Lai has used the holiday season to revise PR101 to constitute the needed government strategic communication policy. This is to streamline information and crisis management. A strategic communication plan helps government to be proactive in information management instead of bumbling like disturbed bees and reacting like sore loser school children to the ranting of PDP who would never get over the coup dur that Naija voters delivered to their 16-years of cluelessness. There is more to governance and information management than issuing infantile reactions. It answers to questions such as where is information warehoused, who speaks on what issues, at what point and how. Lai should supervise that forgiveness committee to broker a peace deal between Naija editors and Sai Baba.
A story in Monday’s Daily Trust caught my attention and increased my wish list.  It claims that Sai Baba, his ministers and officials of the Irrational Assembly have reduced their convoys to 12 or less when travelling within Abuja. Hailing hailers have warned me to stop comparing Canada with Naija; otherwise I would have said that five cars could do the trick. Security is not measured by the number of fuel-guzzling cars in a convoy, but by covert operation of security forces. As for stupid Canadian ministers, they do not have convoys because they think they do not need one.
In the New Year, I wish that Governor Rochas Okorocha read the Bible because it says that a labourer is worthy of his wage before the sweat dries. That makes wages rights and not privileges. I wish governors would reduce the cost of governance, pay their workers first their own perks. I wish that those called to head parastatals would see it as service and stop taking the insane severance package for their stint than evil servants get after 35 years of service. I would have wished that trinity minister; Raji Fashola would rescind his decision to surcharge electricity consumers for the darkness they distribute – but then as a bad boy in 2015, I know that even Santa Claus does not grant all the wishes of all children. I too hope to embrace change in 2016.