A prelude to Buhari’s Next Level

Its exactly ten days to the end of Muhammadu Buhari’s first term in office and the most travelled president of the new era is away in Saudi Arabia. His spin-doctors say he is the invitee of the Saudi King. The House of Saud holds the keys to Islam’s most sacred shrines. It is considered a […]

Its exactly ten days to the end of Muhammadu Buhari’s first term in office and the most travelled president of the new era is away in Saudi Arabia. His spin-doctors say he is the invitee of the Saudi King.

The House of Saud holds the keys to Islam’s most sacred shrines. It is considered a special privilege to be the guest of the custodians of those who hold the keys to the gates of heaven. Only a few get that privilege and Buhari, the living saint deserves that honour.

The House of Saud gives account to no one except Allah. There have been as much reforms in Riyadh as there are scandals. The Saudis make no pretence to public accountability or the global adoration of democracy. They are in control of their own economy as they are of the state and its faith. They determine who performs the annual pilgrimage as much as who lives or die. For instance, they share the same loathing of the Shia as Buhari with the Saudis constantly executing their own enemies while Buhari keeps his against court orders.

Like his hosts, Muhammadu Buhari has shown that accountability is not as important as home support. In four years, Buhari has not been known to tackle anything headlong. Like a failed student (no apology to Madam Patience) he has been granted a rare privilege to repeat his performance.

In the dying four years, Buhari takes his pay, shows up as guest of anyone who invites him even when his house is on fire. He masks cluelessness with out-dated and often offensive jokes. He has faith in populism, he shows up at rallies and enjoys the perks of office but if the electorate wants solutions to their basic problems, Buhari enjoins them to ask for divine intervention. He is leading by example.

In twenty years of uninterrupted voting, voters have come to know that their votes creates the semblance of democracy but not the guarantee to make their government work for them. Ten days to the next four years of lacklustre or lethargic performance, Buhari is laying the foundation for a last lap of failure. By the time it is all over, we would have finally demystified our generals.

Buhari is smart enough to let his home base realize that his ineptitude is not his. He is starting with prayers. It comes as simple as Bismilah. By this time in 1999, Olusegun Obasanjo, another failed general was organizing seminars; workshops for people likely to work with him. On the eve of his second term, Obasanjo had dissolved his cabinet. Before going to London, Buhari remembered to ask his appointees to start scribbling their handing over notes, but he hasn’t had the time to peruse them.

The traveling president has just returned from a working visit to London, the unofficial capital of Naija. On that trip, not even the megaphone NTA has provided us with clip of his meeting with any local official. BBC did not record him voting for Brexit or Stay. People no longer insinuate that he’s seeing his doctors. Our economy sustains the parking of Eagle One on any tarmac for as long as is required to make the president work. Ask Garba Shehu if in doubt.

The weekly contract-awarding get-together held last week and contracts were signed. Under Buhari ministerial appointments are not a prerequisite for performance. If your boss runs on the diesel of non-accountability, whom do you account to? Once you’re in Buhari’s cabinet, you’re in till terms do you part. Buhari sacks no one and defends every one he has appointed. Until the Judgement Day, do not attempt to bring video evidence or voice recording against a Buhari appointee. Sai Baba’s turare cleanses from all sins.

What does these mean for the NextLevel? Except Allah answers the prayers of the faithful by giving Buhari a ministerial list inscribed on a stone tablet as he did for Moses; nothing would change post May 29. In fact, if you stalk BMC/BNO on social media, opinion polls suggest that there are ministers worthy of being reappointed. If Allah decrees it at this Umrah, nothing can stop it.

Saraki, the unsaintly stumbling block had his last super with his quondam friend at the villa. In the Gospel according to Adams Oshiomole, if Buhari wants to be a Faure Gnassingbe, or a Museveni, he now has the rubberstamp majority to make it happen.  Deny it if it makes you sleep better. Such denials are antidotes against depression. Best case scenario, it is hoped Buhari has enough names to stop the saga of putting dead people on government boards. No guarantees.

In the NextLevel, those plagued by unemployment, insecurity or plagues should not enrol in Oby Ezekwesili’s army, they should – pray. The problem is, our president is in God’s house praying, we are elsewhere praying. If the angels are looking at the president’s shopping list, are we sure our prayers would not go into the KIV file or into heaven’s voice mail?

The world wishes us good luck – no pun intended. We don’t need luck, we need a government that works and that’s pure wishful thinking.

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