A school of sorts

‘I’ve been fine, alhamdulillah. And how are you?’ Harira asked. ‘Alhamdulillah, and this must be our young bride’, I said looking over at her daughter standing next to her. ‘As bridal as ever, I like your style. New wives should always look new and fresh, it keeps your husband’s eyes looking in one direction only.’ […]

‘I’ve been fine, alhamdulillah. And how are you?’ Harira asked.

‘Alhamdulillah, and this must be our young bride’, I said looking over at her daughter standing next to her. ‘As bridal as ever, I like your style. New wives should always look new and fresh, it keeps your husband’s eyes looking in one direction only.’ I observed, also reaching out to shake her hands.

‘Thank you Aunty’ she said smiling shyly.

‘Well bye and have a good day, Jamila must be waiting for me to come in for our PTA sub-committee meeting.‘ I said moving aside to let them out of the house.

‘I am actually right here behind them.’ Jamila answered from the hall way. ‘I was seeing them off when you arrived.’

‘Masha Allah, I will wait for you in the parlour then.’ And with that I walked into the house.

‘Let me get you something to drink.’ Jamila said as soon as she returned from escorting her guests. ‘It seems like you haven’t seen Harira for a while.’ She said handing me a glass of orange juice.

‘No I haven’t, in fact the last time I saw her was at her daughter’s wedding. I remember her looking extremely radiant and thinking that a daughter’s wedding must be the happiest moment of a woman’s life. And the wedding itself was something to remember. I mean as much as I detest ostentation in ceremonies, I still couldn’t help admiring the perfect organisation and planning that went into that wedding. I mean every aspect was so perfectly choreographed that you have to admire the sheer effort that went into that arrangement.’ I concluded.

‘Yes it was certainly a one-in-town wedding. It’s a pity it had to end the way it did.’ Jamila stated, mysteriously.

‘End the way it did, what do you mean?’ I asked.

‘I mean the wedding you are rhapsodising about is actually over and the young lady you were admiring for looking bridal has been a divorcee for quite a while now.’ She explained.

‘Do you really mean this, but what happened?’ I asked.

‘Honestly I have no idea. All I know is that I once ran into the mother at a supermarket and when I asked about how Kaltume was doing in her home she just said to me: “My daughter is back home with me.” Too shocked I could only say “Why?”. But she didn’t seem ready to say more so she simply replied. “The marriage is over. He has divorced her and since a woman can’t stay where she’s not wanted she packed back home with us.” I expressed my sympathy at the news and wished her better luck next time. Since then I never attempted to ask Harira what caused the split and she never offered me any other explanation.’ Jamila concluded.

‘Kai but this is truly unfortunate. Where does a mother begin to count her losses in a situation like this? Is it in the loss of a young daughter’s innocence, whereby she is now effectively a divorced woman  or in the time and resources spent in celebrating an event that ended too soon? Almost any way you look at it, there is no gain in the whole thing, unless if she had a baby. Did she have a child? I know she’s been married a year now.’ I asked.

‘No she didn’t. In fact from what I heard through other sources the marriage lasted only three for months. Well some people could fall pregnant in the first month if God willed it, but in her case there was no pregnancy and I think it’s a good thing.’ Jamila replied.

‘Yes I think so too. I mean if a couple is so incompatible it had to separate within months, what good will it do to have a child between them?’ I concurred.

‘None, indeed that can only complicate matters, but I still think we have to find a way around these failed marriages. They are getting too early and too frequent and it makes a mockery of the institution. ‘She advised.

‘Yes, I’ve been thinking the same thing too. And you know I like the way you said ‘we have to’ because it is really our task to fight this menace. The only question is where do we start? I mean do we begin with a marriage preparatory school where we will teach young intending couples about the real demands of marriage, beyond the eagerness of courtship and the glitter of weddings. Or we begin by enlightening parents about the need to educate their about-to-wed children on what marriage is all about?’I asked.

‘Personally, I think we need to do both. First of all we need to revive that marriage counselling class you, Asabe and Maryam used to host for us years ago. But this time let’s expand it to include unmarried or about- to- wed young women. And while before you waited for people to come to you with problems, the new class will now organise quarterly lectures for young people in this category. We will have to publicise the commencement of the classes at every social and religious gathering. We will also get our husbands to make the same announcement in mosques and then provide hotlines for people to call us on. With enough counselling and tutoring on the do’s and don’ts of marriage we may be able to stem the tide of this rapid divorce syndrome afflicting us.’ She declared.

‘Yes we might, but it shouldn’t just be us talking out of our personal experiences, we should call psychologists and trained counsellors and religious scholars to come and offer the relevant advise from their professional perspectives. Which brings us to the all-important issue of funding; we can’t afford to start this marriage school of sorts without the necessary funds to organise quarterly pre-wedding seminars and invite resource people to come and speak. Where do we get the money from?’ I asked.

‘But that is easy Bint, we will simply charge participants. They will have to pay a token amount to enrol.’ Jamila answered.

‘But that will send them away. How many people will be ready to come and pay for a marriage seminar when they have the wedding itself to prepare for?’ I observed.

‘With enough enlightenment they will come. By this I mean let us call them to it by rolling out those high divorce figures in any forum where we plan to publicise the marriage school. Let’s give examples such as the ones of Kaltume, where an expensive society wedding had ended up in a scandalously short marriage. In any case why do we spend so much money taking our children to various schools to get them educated and equipped to face life’s challenges and we are unwilling to spend a trickle of that amount to prepare them for life’s biggest institution: marriage? We must enlighten our people to the fact that securing our marriages is securing our future. With failed marriages and broken homes all over the place, our community faces a bleak future indeed.’ She added.

‘Yes it does. And talking about Kaltume’s failed marriage reminds me of something else we have to do. We have to identify people like her and make a case study of what led to the break-up. This means you have to frankly tell her mother that you want to talk to her about her marriage because we are planning this school and wish to know the issues that cause such early divorces. You should also collect her husband’s number and try to hear his side of the story. If in the process of studying their case we are able to bring them back together, then we have scored an early goal. But even if we were not able to, we would have at least learnt enough to know how to prevent such unhappy situations.’ I suggested.

‘Ok, I will try to do that. Well that’s it then, now to our PTA committee agenda.’ Jamila said bringing out her notepad.

This column will be away for the next two weeks.