A toast to Nigeria’s emerging republics

WTunde Asajue were not there when they negotiated the contraption, we now call Nigeria. However, the arrowheads of the negotiation left us their diary of events including anecdotes revealing who drank the most cups of Ceylon tea. We call it history, and let’s be truthful to ourselves, some of these accounts are embellished, much like […]

WTunde Asajue were not there when they negotiated the contraption, we now call Nigeria. However, the arrowheads of the negotiation left us their diary of events including anecdotes revealing who drank the most cups of Ceylon tea. We call it history, and let’s be truthful to ourselves, some of these accounts are embellished, much like Obasanjo’s memoirs or Achebe’s the lion story. But then, what is history if not one person’s account of their own experiences?

We were all aware of what led to the Biafra agitation and the ensuing horrendous evil war that we hope and pray would never repeat itself on our shores again. After all, we got our independence from Britain without firing a single shot. How lucky we were then.

Since its birth 64 years ago, Nigeria has been progressing. While its citizens cry that they are tired, like the new #BarbieDoll, they keep moving. Naija no dey stand still. While the enemies of Nigeria swear that things are getting worse; because they are so blind that they cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, the rest of us are in everyday motion and movement.

Apart from poor car owners waiting for their next paycheque to convert their Tokunbo cars into gas and petrol hybrid, we all survive T-pain differently.

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This hybrid conversion business is a huge threat to national survival. Africa’s wealthiest man, Aliko Dangote has emptied his treasure nest to give us the biggest refinery and this should not be happening. Trust the government to find a way to make converters pay for their crimes. Tax is the only way we can help Dangote pay back his loans and still make profit. When Dangote profits, Nigeria wins.

It is awesome to know that while President Tinubu is working extra hard and taking overtime rests, there are people in the corridors of power making Nigerians live within their means. A new tax bill is on the way. It targets telecommunication users which might be everyone, but most importantly, it targets those who use it to abuse T-Pain. It will hit those who instead of working hard like Dangote, want to make it through the backdoor by betting.

If you ever check the meaning of resilience on any chat engine and you don’t find the map of Nigeria or the picture of Nigeria’s three tribes, then you are using the outdated version. We are the toughest people on the planet. We absorb everything our ruiners throw at us with stoic calmness and uncommon candour and do nothing to change the status quo.

Some think that Nigeria is a democracy and erroneously compare it with actual democracies like America, Canada, Europe and the defunct Great Britain. Every weekday Amanda Pfeffer the host of a chit-chat programme on the government-funded CBC in Canada gathers enemies of the ruling Liberal Party to tell her why Justin Trudeau, our handsome and beloved prime minister, should resign and spark early elections.

The irony of this station is that it is on the chopping board of Pierre Poilievre the man who may become Canada’s next prime minister if the CBC gets its wish. Talk about job suicide. A station airing such a programme in Nigeria would get the axe of the Nigerian Broadcasting Commission, NBC.

You can compare the CBC with feisty British broadcasters who heckled Rishi Sunak out of Downing Street a few months ago. Keir Starmer might be enjoying his honeymoon with low jabs from these guys with criticism of his fondness for punishing party members that fail to toe the party line; he reminds Canadians of a chap known as Stephen Harper.

In America where pollsters drag the electorate by the nose with their spurious figures to elect leaders, Kamala Harris is fast discovering why Jean-Marie Le Pen’s favourite dictum is – it’s not over till it’s over. Trump has moved from the dumpster he’s tossed back into reckoning. Current conjectures put the race to the White House as a game of death when the votes are counted and Trump accepts the results.

One thing that is certain in all these ‘democratic’ examples is that whenever the press, the pollsters or both call it out for those in power, they fall. Nigeria has been an exception. You don’t have to be popular to get elected. Your policies could unleash uncommon hardship on the people, yet you could get your second or everlasting term.

The suffering preceding the last general elections created APC governments that have now changed the famous analgesic into a phenomenon known today as T-pain. Yet, the ruling class has recently ‘won’ the Edo guber seat and are on their way to keeping Ondo.

These are the thoughts on my mind before I discovered like Mungo Park that the grandchildren of our cousins, the Yorùbá, whose erudite ancestors negotiated Nigeria’s independence from the defunct Great Britain now want their own Yoruba Nation. This is even after they had installed their shon in Aso Rock to repeat the magic that transformed Lagos. They have dispatched Sunday Adeyemi aka Sunday Igboho to London with a sedition petition to Keir Starmer who probably keeps the chemical to detach the glue his forebears used to join Nigeria together.

This dissolution request is a curious one demonstrating how low we have evolved as a nation. The founding fathers of Nigeria of the 50s, acquired the skills to outwit the British in wisdom and erudition before going to London. In the age where Elon Musk is making the skies the playpen of the wealthy, and AI is overtaking humans at tasks, the leaders of most of the proposed breakaway republics are hardly clear-headed. Somehow, they have professors, doctors, engineers and the like propping them up as leaders of their dream republics. Why is Nigeria underdeveloped again?

Everyone appears to be dreaming of becoming a Republic. The only people without a farmer, welder or cobbler to lead them are my people, the Yagba nation. They are very eager to gain acceptance as Oduduwans. And why not? They answer Yoruboid-sounding names, have panegyrics akin to the Yoruba oríkì. They dress and worship similar deities and their present kings wear woven replica crowns that are sanctified in Ilé-Ifẹ.

The only problem is that the Yoruba have no recollection of their affinity either in history or folklore. They look at them the way America looks at Iranian diplomats in Washington or the way core northerners look at the banza bakwai. This is why I deliberately ignored Arewa people in this new quest for a new national identity. Many yan Arewa speak Arabic, answer Arabic names and profess Islam as their religion. When they wake up to declare a republic, it might sound like the Arab People’s Republic of Arewa Nation. Who can stop an idea whose time has come.