A virtue cherished by all, epitomized by few

If there is anything that is conspicuously missing in the character of many if not most men and women of this digital age particularly in Nigeria, it is that single act of decency called courtesy. Unless we collectively and individually rise to retract our steps from the wrong path of bad manners, the future of […]

If there is anything that is conspicuously missing in the character of many if not most men and women of this digital age particularly in Nigeria, it is that single act of decency called courtesy. Unless we collectively and individually rise to retract our steps from the wrong path of bad manners, the future of ethical values could mature to a level where we shall have to open our dictionaries to grasp the full meaning of the word ‘courtesy’.

Except in the military where decorum is still at work, courtesy has become rare among siblings in our homes, among colleagues at workplaces and in nearly all professions. Values have so much eroded that, being discourteous or rude, is assuming a dangerous dimension and could one day become a norm in our country; with no one sufficiently caring about the consequences of such moral bankruptcy.

To speak the mind of women who are still in their reproductive age, the people who symptomatically lack courtesy as if it were a taboo are the nurses and midwives that work in hospital labour rooms. This idiosyncrasy has been like this for a long time and one doubts if it will ever change. Rather than consoling a woman in severe pains during child-birth, nurses are good at dressing-down such women. Also, commercial bus drivers and their ‘conductors’ are people with the least sense of courtesy. Motor Park is probably the last place you would find courtesy. A Nigerian politician, too, remembers to be courteous only when he comes to ask you for votes. Also, only a few of those who mount roadblocks on Nigerian highways in their uniforms exercise their duties with courtesy.

The act of having and showing good manners to others is a fact of courtesy. To be courteous is simply to be polite and kind in one’s interaction with others. It is not courtesy if a behavior is devoid of civility. Courtesy should be given without anyone asking for it; and returned (if possible) in terms better than it was received or at least in equally courteous terms. It is in the light of this that Allah defines one significant aspect of courtesy in Qur’an 4:86 “When a (courteous) greeting is offered you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. Allah takes careful account of all things.”  It is on this basis that Islam considers greeting or salutation among two or more individuals as the beginning of courtesy.

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According to the Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (SAW), courtesy demands from us to see our guests off to the door of our house.  Similarly, it is a prophetic act of courtesy to return good for a wrong or an evil. A companion of the Prophet (SAW) once said “O Messenger of Allah! If I stop at a man’s place and he did not entertain me; am I to entertain him or act as he did to me if he thereafter stops at my house?”  The Prophet (SAW) said: “Entertain him.” Prophetic tradition, by the same token, considers it discourteous for a guest to stay longer than his host can tolerate.

For courtesy to reign particularly in our matrimonial homes, privileges of norm or culture at times may have to step aside.  In very many African cultures (including some Muslim societies), the wife is customarily more or less at the mercy of her husband’s chauvinistic instructions or judgments. It is almost a common frame of mind across races that, while the wife is always seen to be wrong even when she is right; the husband never errs. This, of course, is against the prophetic principle of modesty, which teaches us to accept faults when we deviate or make mistakes. Men in their capacity as husbands should learn to say “I’m sorry” when they offend their wives. It costs nothing to do that. Husbands should learn to address their wives on every issue and in every circumstance with some sense of courtesy. Women as wives, too, must equally learn to be courteous in their words, actions, and demands especially those that are mere privileges. Absolut obedience to the husband is a right of the husband who deserves full apology whenever the wife disobeyed him or violated his orders.

When children desire to ask their parents for school fees or other domestic bills, they should do it with courtesy even though it is their right on the one hand and their parents’ duty on the other, to settle such. It is part of courtesy for children to perform their routine or ad-hoc duties assigned to them without their parents necessarily reminding them to do so.  Brothers and sisters should also interact with mutual courtesy and without any undue molestation.

Public officers should attend to their clients or visitors in a courteous manner while at work. It would be rude of any public officer to shout disrespectfully at anyone including applicants who have come to look for jobs that are not readily available. Applicants who have been turned in to “beggars” by bad governance still deserve some respect, at least for the sake of human dignity. The message of “No Job” can be passed in a polite way without necessarily harassing anyone. Allah  in Qur’an 93:10 states, “Nor repulse the beggar (unheard)”.

Teachers should be courteous to their students even in disciplinary situations. It is out of courtesy that students found guilty of offences punishable by expulsion are in a courteous expression “advised to withdraw.” Leaders should also lead with courtesy. A leader who says “I don’t give a damn” simply lacks courtesy. Allah  states in Qur’an 26:215 “And lower thy wing to the Believers who follow thee.” Landlords should handle their tenants with courtesy and vice versa.  It is not an act of courtesy for a tenant to refuse paying the rents he owes.

In overcrowding situations such as could happen in a commercial bus, at the stadium, hospital card room, at an ATM stand or in the banking hall; courtesy demands that the young should stand for the older to sit just as men are expected to stand for women to sit where there are seats. The strong should also stand for the weak or the sick to sit. In matters like this, one is encouraged to let go his rights for courtesy to prevail. Pride and arrogance are obstacles to courtesy and therefore should be eschewed. May Allah guide us to personify courtesy at all times, amin.