Abusive relationships: How far can women go defending their men?

The husband, Wasiu Waheed (35), reportedly had a quarrel with his wife and when he saw that he could not silence his wife’s caustic tongue, he decided to use a weapon that would have silenced the woman forever.Being a security guard, Waheed possessed a barrel gun and he did not hesitate before picking the gun […]

The husband, Wasiu Waheed (35), reportedly had a quarrel with his wife and when he saw that he could not silence his wife’s caustic tongue, he decided to use a weapon that would have silenced the woman forever.
Being a security guard, Waheed possessed a barrel gun and he did not hesitate before picking the gun which he allegedly aimed at his wife, Kafayat. Immediately she saw her husband with the gun, the woman knew she was in trouble and attempted to escape. However, her legs could not move fast enough as the pellets from the gun hit her on the back.
Though not apprehended when the incident occurred, policemen at Apete, in Lagos nabbed Waheed recently when he had another case at the police station. To the consternation of all, Kafayat pleaded with the police to, please, leave her husband as there would be nobody to take care of her and her only child if he should be detained. She also defended her husband’s action as something over which he had no control. The story was carried by www.takofnaija.com
Reacting, Ezekiel Yakubu, a hairdresser, described women as generally compassionate people who find it easier to forgive than the male folk.
“But it sounds strange to hear that the woman would still profess love for such a person or even plead for him at the police station, despite sustaining injuries from the shot fired by the husband for whom she was carrying a second child,” he said.
He aasid, “we are also in a society that still frowns at single and divorced women. Therefore, many of them, because they don’t want to be ridiculed, feel it is better to remain in such relationships. Even when others notice there is a problem; because in due course the effects will become visible if one is in an unhappy relationship, an average woman will make excuses for her man. If you persist with questions, she’ll get upset and you two could become enemies for life.
“I don’t know why women do it, I think it’s just the way some of them are and their fears of society’s reactions,” the Utako-based business man concluded.
Also speaking, Mrs. Salma Ibrahim said it’s something one cannot explain, “and I find it difficult to comprehend. Many would say it is love, but I say it is sheer stupidity. If you love him, won’t you do what you can to stay alive and love him, at least from a distance?”
The mother of two in Dawaki Extension in Abuja said the victim’s possible “excuse is that if he is jailed, there’ll be no one to take care of her and kids. What if she dies, who will take care of the kids in her place? With such stories, I believe it more and more when they say women love with their hearts and their heads.”
Another respondent, Mrs. Vera Ibe said in most cases, the torture is not only physical. “In fact in recent times, men have gone more verbal than physical, because with clear evidences to back up charges against them, they are paying for their sins in big time.”
According to the 33- year-old house wife, “the only evidence of a woman going through verbal abuse is her state of mind and psyche.  “I was in one such relationship and it eventually demoralized my self confidence. Anytime he was angry, I would freeze then he would rain abuses on my family and me, and tell me how wretched we were.
“I found myself too weak to confront him even mildly to stop what he was doing and inside me I was also scared to leave him.
“One day when my mother confronted him, he laughed and told her that I will still come and beg him to take me back no matter what he did to me. It was at that point I came to my senses and decided to end the relationship,” Ibe said.
Also speaking, Dr. Oluwatosin Adekeye, a clinical psychologist at the Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria said, “Before it becomes physical, a psychological abuse would have taken place. When it’s physical, it becomes difficult to leave.
“The keyword in abuse is dependency. When a man ignores a woman and she begins to plead to get his attention back, it’s a game he is playing to break her will. This leads usually to beating once the will is broken.
“In no time her mind begins a self defense mechanism where it convinces her that it’s her fault he is beating her. He later on apologises and if she accepts him back, it is established that she has accepted this about him and it is likely to continue.
 “There is also the issue of personality trait whereby women are weak, anxious, dependent and feel the need to please. Men look out for these kinds of women and easily identify them because they won’t fight back or easily opt out of the relationship. Such men are referred to as predators.”
He said identified cultural values as one of the factors responsible for the growing abuse. He said, “This drives her to seek for a more domineering man because she doesn’t consider herself worthy of any good. When he abuses her, she’ll make excuses for him and justify his actions.  Also, many women can’t leave abusive men because they are not empowered enough to survive on their own.”
Adekeye urged women in such situations to come out and seek for counseling to enable them to assert themselves and change their views of life. It is hope women under the trauma of abusive relationship will open their frontiers and seek for a better mechanism out of an abusive relationship.