Adventures with ‘L ’

They have a deep seated dislike for ‘L’, the 12th letter of the English alphabet. ‘L’ is sometimes pronounced as ’ hell  ’ by some of them .Others  say ‘hel-lu’. It’s a great  puzzle .I certainly wasn’t carrying ’hell’ on my number plate. How could I? Now, given the torrent of accents,   I no longer […]

They have a deep seated dislike for ‘L’, the 12th letter of the English alphabet. ‘L’ is sometimes pronounced as ’ hell  ’ by some of them .Others  say ‘hel-lu’. It’s a great  puzzle .I certainly wasn’t carrying ’hell’ on my number plate. How could I? Now, given the torrent of accents,   I no longer know how to pronounce the simple  letter. When you arrive a place with your car, make sure the ‘L’ is visible,  and then  watch how the men and women react .A  tiny group of men  , who  have a positive attitude to the matter, can be excused .

One  example  of such is  the gentleman from a famous   family in Zaria, who came to Media Trust one Sunday to deliver an article. He saw the ‘L’ on my car, raised his head  and looked at me with interest .We  proceeded to have  an interesting discussion about it. He admired my decision to follow the law and said so. I won’t forget him in a hurry .I remember him saying that he thinks I have principles, or rather   he spoke words  to that effect. Here was brilliant sunshine after weeks of monotonous, ponderous   male cynicism .

In a month when I wanted rich uplifting   ideas ,when  my spirit was yearning for some creative project,  my fellow men were moaning about ‘L, as if its responsible  for our poor standards ,our  impossible  transport system or the  near  absence of governance .It’s not.  The women or Ladies  ,on the other hand have no problem with it. I never received a single sneer   from the women.No   sneering .No  mockery .This has really affected me positively. It was encouragement all the way from them .One day in Gwarimpa,a    Lady whom I knew at the University  yelled from her car ‘we go wash am ooo’.She had seen  Daily Trust by the side  of the car,looked  at the driver’s seat ,saw me and yelled.

I think I returned her thunderous  yell, but  in a lower decibel.  With women it was laughter and joy all the way .At a point I created a little diary to see on a daily basis which of the  sexes  will mock me ,and which will give gentle encouragement. The men always failed, and the women came tops with their positive attitude.Then there are those drivers,who,  upon siting you with the ‘L’,immediately begin to horn,striving to push you off the road. On the other hand I remember a Lady who was gently encouraging me to go forward, from her car, when I was having a little difficulty   at one of our impossible  junctions.

I had these  experiences  while learning how to drive,and going around with  the  ‘L’ .I  naturally had no problems with  the ‘L’.. ‘L’ stands for Learner.It does not presuppose ‘load,’ lazy’, or ‘luggage’.Its not ,in any way , a burden . One day I was in a part of Niger state which is very close to Abuja.Then a man  whom I have known for some years with characteristic  dull  large eyes ,and a flat everyday voice came up,  declaring that I should remove the ‘L’ . I listened carefully for the great  reason he would proffer for this violation of my space, but no valid reason came. Instead,  the dull grating  monotone continued. Listening to him was a   trial . Rather than  answering,  I asked after his wife, in a   tone which suggested I didn’t think he’s looking after her well. He was shocked at my question,which completely departed from the subject.This  is my method of dealing with people who are  rude and can’t mind their business. Then I drove off. I made a nice beautiful exit with the car .

Another man stood up one morning wondering how long  I would go about with the ‘L’.His voice gave the impression that I have been driving about with the ‘L’ for 50  years.But I only  used it for about 3 months,and removed  it recently,  a process  which is in accord  with the law.On second thoughts Nigeria deserves an ‘L’ . It is still learning to do simple ,elementary things 50 years after Independence.It can’t get ordinary  things right.These are issues   which smaller ,less endowed  countries achieved   or resolved  a long  while  ago  . Whenever the men complain,their voices resonate with pain and anguish .You would think the little board takes something away from their lives. On another occasion I saw a man riding a bicycle in Gwarimpa with a load skillfully balanced on his head .It was a nice balancing act .

The bicycle bore a large ‘L’ at its back.It was an amazing sight,and I drew the attention of the gentleman who was teaching me to drive . He looked and laughed. We  laughed together again .Persons on the road were giggling and pointing .Up till now,I don’t know if the man with the bicycle was a practical joker, or whether he meant it.I  regretted that I didn’t have my camera with me on that occasion. The image of that large  ‘L’ is  still  clear in my mind.

When Media Trust told me that I would  soon receive a car from the company sometime in April this year, I immediately sought a driving school to hone my driving skills. I  wanted to improve my skills before formally collecting  the car, and I told the company this much.I didn’t want to smash any mechanical beauty.  This was the wise thing to do, I reasoned. Fortunately,the company understood, and the car was then  parked in the company premises for several months .When I was through with learning,I    collected the car which is a  brand new   Kia Rio.I remember the first day I drove home. The security man couldn’t believe his eyes.Fortunately,he didn’t faint. Soon I  packed out of Gwarimpa estate where I had been living .The car has been a great help in exiting from my new dwelling every day, as well as going around the FCT. Soon  I became apprehensive of the Berger roundabout. I asked myself one morning ‘Is this a real place?’ I couldn’t believe the things I saw there each time I passed, together with the world class  driving styles that seem to defy the Law of Gravity .Then I hit upon a brainwave:If you can’t  face something  directly , then you must go above it.Or go under it.  So the bridge above the roundabout provided the perfect solution to a   dilemma.I always drive over the roundabout now.My driving style avoids all sources of stress .

A few days ago I noticed two Okada men moving about oddly on the road in Madalla . I applied my brakes, and the men collided , with one of them falling onto the road. I was a good 8 metres away from them when this happened . When they fell I looked at all the other Okada men in the area, thinking one of them would declare that I had knocked him down.But the evidence was against that argument. Then I drove off.To return to the point,its only the Mairuwa in Gwarimpa, whom I have known for 6 years ,who never yelled that I should remove the ‘L’ . Or is the attitude to ‘L’  among men,encouraged by the level of education,with  those at lower levels of education being more tolerant of the sign?

Driving in Abuja is something of a nightmare. I hope  I am not  part of the nightmare, because I have seen that I love a little speed from time to time. However , I always check the road before I press the pedal. Then I go.For me,  a  little speed has nothing to do with being a ‘man’.It has everything to do with being an artist .  When driving,I play nice enchanting  music…some of which I bought in Lagos recently. Lara George is my current favourite. African music helps to drown all the horning , yelling and multiple distractions  on the streets.  Today , everybody’s    in a big hurry.Some  seem to be fast asleep while driving.Others make calls while driving,and speed past  corners while taking calls. Some drive and look into each others face, to see that the point being made  has registered. These are  real dangers to other road users. Some  don’t check  for oncoming  traffic  at junctions ,but just  drive onto  the road.Sadly,madam  did so recently  in Utako , with her massive Gele(headtie)  blocking all possibilities of  a clear  view  of the car behind her .

It was simply  an unusual   gale of poor thinking. A real afternoon show without drummers. I had to apply the brakes,while wondering how the massive  gele,  which was threatening to  suffocate  madam, as well as  block  the side mirror,  could sit on  her  pretty  head.The lady  wasn’t being fair to her head, I thought. Amazingly,  I noticed that her well  trimmed  fingernails  were a nice   pink.  Funny,the things you suddenly  notice when you think you are  driving.  Finally, after all these events, it occurred to me that    ‘L’ should not necessarily stand for learner. Rather, it may stand  for ‘Learned.’ That’s  what I told a few friends  recently, as  my creative  response to three months of  heckling by pathological gossips, causing not a little laughter in the garden where we were seated.