An apology to Sinnator ibn Na’Allah

I guess I knew they would drive him to the edge sooner than later, and they finally did. The wicked, that is. Never toy with a ranking sinnator and Bala ibn Na’allah is as ranking as they come. A landlord in the Dome where he was first elected a rebel; he left a lucrative legal […]

I guess I knew they would drive him to the edge sooner than later, and they finally did. The wicked, that is. Never toy with a ranking sinnator and Bala ibn Na’allah is as ranking as they come. A landlord in the Dome where he was first elected a rebel; he left a lucrative legal practice, also known as charge and bail that he mixed with trading for the opulent world of politrics. From the rebellious Green Chamber, he graduated into a sinnator.
As rep, he loathed the idea of sharing the pothole-ridden death traps we call roads with the us as his modesty will not let him tear through vehicular gridlock with siren like a garlanded dagutu or tin god. So, he picked a jet for himself. That way, he could watch from a safe distance as the poor outmanoeuvre themselves in the race of to determine who dies first. He told those who dared to question his style of commute that in Naija; it is cheaper to fly. It’s all about class, people! To die on the road, is a slow painful process, whereas to die in a crash is not only prestigious, it brings with it the added opportunity of roasting on earth for faster transfer to Jannatu Firdausi. 
When a newspaper dared to report that he was lobbying for a sinnate post, they touched the last raw nerve of this man who was born with a diamond spoon. Seething in rage, he flailed the paper on the floor of the sinnate and ordered the ground-travelling and jet-leasing presiding officers to investigate the false story and bring the reporters to book.
Not long ago, Na’Allah paid a visit to President Buhari in the company of other sinnators. Its unclear if he flew into the presidential helipad, but in a group photograph, he was seen dressed in a resplendent crumpled suit and a checked shirt that would make rag-day students envious. That was when social media loudmouths unworthy to lace his I-see-heaven shoe make him the butt of their jokes.
I would have warned them but I know that this sinnator is capable of fighting his battles – and he did.   Poring through the unpublished draft of Hitler’s Mein Kampf, he has unearthed a so-called Social Media Bill, which, unfortunately would lead to the low valorisation of President Jones Facebook, Whatsap, and Twitter as the Naira makes its free fall. Under its provisions, anyone, who ridicules his ilk, would rust in jail. The fine options in this bill, where applicable, would make Nnamdi Kanu’s bond conditions worth one kobo.
Na’Allah a changed PDP member from Kebbi cannot afford to live in the same nation where the Facebook generation steal the self-importance of the analogue generation he proudly represents on social media. It shows in his poor attempt at maintaining a website to showcase his solar-powered borehole. As a jet-set sinnator, he knows that building jailhouses is more lucrative than creating jobs. The funny thing is, nobody can stop him and it’s already too late to try. His bill, the worst ever proposed since Decree 4, has passed its second reading, the fastest since Rotimi Amaechi’s assembly received and passed a budget in one day.
By the time you’re reading this, it may have made its way to Sai Baba’s jet for air assent. As a member of the Na’Allah generation, I hope this bill takes retroactive effect, that way we can look back at the tortuous campaigns that bred Sambo Dasuki arms windfall beneficiaries to run the most abusive campaigns since 1960.
That way, those who call President Jones clueless regardless of his Port Harcourt Degree can rot in Gasua and who knows, we might find something to shut Digbolugi Fayose up for life. Some people have taken liberty for granted on social media. They call my president Mumumadu Bokohari. They think that Baba Zahra can be insulted and abused at will because they are unworthy of the hands of his last moneymaker.
Gentlemen of the analogue generation, we have a busy legislature, one that reads newspapers unscrupulously.  We have a legislature that is eager to create a good image on the people without passing progressive bills. We pay them so much for their lack of effort. Check this out – last week, a member of the house of rebels discovered that his hard-earned N200 newspaper contained ten pages of change of name adverts. In other words, in a world where poverty ought to cause erectile dysfunction and discourage conscious coupling, some young women arestill eager to drop their father’s name for the envious title of misses. Following that discovery, Nuhu Danburam proposed a bill to stop people changing their names. This is why guys like Pius Adesanmi rightly believes that Naija no dey carry last! Let’s apologise for ridiculing these people, before they legally return us back to Stone Age.