Behold the Year of the Crocodile
Theophilus Olabayo and TB Joshua both claim that God usually consults them before making moves in the world. But neither could have accurately predicted all the interesting things that happened in 2017. If they could, they would have declared 2017 as the Year of the Crocodile. Whoever foresaw Naija people spending Christmas on fuel queues […]
Theophilus Olabayo and TB Joshua both claim that God usually consults them before making moves in the world. But neither could have accurately predicted all the interesting things that happened in 2017. If they could, they would have declared 2017 as the Year of the Crocodile. Whoever foresaw Naija people spending Christmas on fuel queues or the release of the blockbuster “The Soft Side of Bubu”, by the petroleum minister? Santa Sai Baba promises to reward diligence in 2018, so let back off criticisms, accept the usual excuses and remember how 2017 treated Africa in 2017.
If they had sense, African strong ruiners should be softening up, but common sense is not common in ruining houses. Gambia’s Babili Mansa, Alhaji Chief Dr Jammeh’s larger than normal misbaha couldn’t have prepared him for the hurricane that swept him out of power. Jammeh did not equate losing elections to losing power, but as they say, it takes a Barrow to empty trash in the Gambia.
Uncle Bob’s loving Gucci Grace would have reassured him that crocodiles don’t hunt outside the depths. Wrong! Even from exile, The Crocodile, Emerson Mnangagwa, chewed off the chord that bound Mugabe to Zimbabwe’s future. Angola’s Eduardo dos Santos, stepped down from power just like Issa Hayatou left CAF. Dos Santos’ handpicked successor revealed that spare tyres have traction sweeping out many venal acquaintances of dos Santos and raiding their nest eggs.
Uhuru Kenyatta had cause to lose to shiver after the judiciary annulled the election he won. But his headache did not favour archrival, Raila Odinga as Kenyatta soon rallied the 38% turnout, squeezing 98 percentage points out the re-run. Yoweri Museveni is wilier. He threw dollars at the parliament; they accepted it, gave him his everlasting mandate and cut themselves some deal in the process. You can’t outfox the fox.
Alpha Conde, the man who has run Guinea-Conakry for 17 years was virtually killed by rumourmongers this year. He had to walk more than a mile around Conakry after reports emerged that he had died. Madam Ellen Jonson Sirleaf ought to have packed her handbags and vanity case after completing her term as Africa’s first female president in Liberia. She supported her somnambulist deputy, Joseph Boakai in a tussle that bookmakers gave to football hero, George Weah. But neither Sleepy Joe not Weah polled enough votes to be declared winner and Sirleaf is snowed in for Christmas and New Year as president. She’ll have to pray however that there’lls be no Malawi-style Cashgate corruption scandal tailing her children after she leaves office.
Secession movements and insurgencies are neither winners nor losers in 2017. In Naija where both have reared their ugly heads, government has tackled both in style. Boko Haram’s first leader, Mohammed Yusuf’s Maiduguri home is to be made the museum of insurgency. Nnamdi Kanu has no such luck – yet. He has had to disappear from his Biafra headquarters following Operation Python Dance that left pockmarks on his movement’s headquarters. It is unclear if his insurrection attempt prompted the insurgency in Southern Cameroon where maximum ruiner Paul Biya has declared an emergency that forced thousands of survivors to flee – to Naija. Southern Cameroonians want the republic of Ambazonia and they have shed blood and locked down their region in an effort at getting it. Meanwhile, Naija has mandated all its soldiers to make good on Wazobia – it is now compulsory for them to learn the major languages of Igbo, Yoruba and Hausa for them to keep their uniforms – pure genius!
Odinga is luckier than Zambia’s Hakainde Hichilema. He had to go to jail for obstructing his president’s convoy this year. He shares that dilemma with Diane Rwigara, the 36-year old Rwandan who challenged Paul Kagame to a presidential duel. If ever there’s a 2017 prize for political witch-hunt; one of them would be declared winner. Hichilema is out, but Rwigara remains behind bars while her relatives face constant harassment.
Failed state, Libya was earned another sad feather to its cap this year named as the world’s only official slave market. In her, African migrants were openly sold like chickens by militia groups running several fiefdoms since the collapse of central authority in that country. Pierre Nkurunziza Burundi’s maximum ruler pulled his country out of the ICC after disagreeing with investigators examining the atrocities he and his henchmen have committed against their citizens.
The Year of the Crocodile saw the sale of the first ever 709-carat diamond. It belonged to Sierra Leone’s preacher, Emmanuel Momoh who promised to plough back most of the proceeds to touching the lives of the people. It is hoped the proceeds would touch the lives of survivors of that country’s landslide. To cap the year, while the world reeled with shock learning that South African officials stole from late Nelson Mandela’s funeral, Cyril Ramaphosa has emerged to lead the country’s ruling party, the ANC. He has promised to fight corruption. The big question is – where would he begin?
Somaliland’s citizens could say – cheese to 2017 after successfully testing the first ever iris-powered elections this year. They won’t be wrong, Farmajo, their leader’s name means just that. Let’s do this again in 2018, D.V.