Between Bakare, Falana and Indimi

Delegates are guaranteed national siesta allowance of N12 million by the time it’s over.  No anaesthetic nurse or doctor takes that home in three months. With N12 million, even at the rate at which the Naira is playing English FA with the dollar, you can make things happen or chart a course either for national […]

Delegates are guaranteed national siesta allowance of N12 million by the time it’s over.  No anaesthetic nurse or doctor takes that home in three months. With N12 million, even at the rate at which the Naira is playing English FA with the dollar, you can make things happen or chart a course either for national relevance or national nuisance or both. Except of course your name is Tunde Bakare.
So, check those who are complaining. They must be losers like me whose names were debugged as it made its way between sleepers to the government of the federation, I meant the SGF’s office and Hassle Rock. We are the ones unlikely to be the favourite receivers of those plastic smiles at bank receptions. We are the ones whose wives would never forgive us for not having the capacity to fund their dream-shopping trip to the Primark Store in Peckham or the fancy ones on Oxford Street. We are the ones whose children are likely to query for not making the Dubai trip this long vacation.
For those who made it, this is the time to repeat my boss Ray Ekpu’s favourite newsroom dictum – corn don land o. Poor Tunde Bakare. He spoke before he had consulted. If he had asked me, I would have told him to wait until the Supreme Court makes a final pronouncement on my application for the exclusive patent of the word ‘Charity’ before announcing he would only accept the minimum wage. We don’t charge that low for sleeping on duty.
At a time when jet set pastors have to convince angry members that the overseer’s jet indeed fly tithes and offerings to heaven, this Mushin pastor has missed an opportunity to find a rational explanation. Here is a chance to say without equivocation to the FIRS that this shopping trip came from ‘my legitimate earnings’.
I love Femi Falana, and if the Supreme Court finally rules in my favour, I may kiss him on the cheeks without fear of spending 14 years in gay jail. If my dream comes true, Falana’s N12 million would be donated to me, aka Charity. I am still trying to get the telephone number of Yadumah Bukar Mandara so that I can help her manage her first ‘legitimately earned’ million. Because I know that she will be very busy either sleeping or warding off the advances of dirty old men in the feral capital, to manage her funds. I am the best candidate to manage her allowances on behalf of those orphans and widows or Haramistan.
As for Bakare, I hope he has good relationship with the red-eyed area boys at Oju-Ina in downtown Lagos. I frankly do not see his cassock helping him on this one. The pastor-politician must have had something in common with the late FEDECO boss, Victor Ovie-Whiskey who told journalists he would faint if he saw N1 million cash. Those were the days when the Naira was money and not printed matter. The poor man eventually died, apparently not of complications induced by crispy Naira notes.
So what was all that attempt to make Justice Kutigi a secular chairman of the corn-ference? Does Pastor Bakare not know that there are blessings recited over meals before they are eaten? Calling God to witness our sins is a national pastime. We are the most religious people on planet universe. In fact, there are talks of trying to persuade us from praying whenever planes are flying, because the noise of our supplication is capable of blocking aircraft satellite navigation systems.
A few examples would help Pastor Bakare understand these things better. Kano is part of the federation, but its street signs are written in Arabic. We are known to be more Catholic than the Pope and more Arabian than the house of Saud. Of course, from time Imo River (with apology to Chief Zebrudaya), every Feral Executive Council (FEC) meeting is preceded by prayer and sealed by prayers. The contracts are as dubious as they come and they are hardly ever executed, and God is our witness.
As to what happens to the money that Bakare rejected? Well, it may be used to transport it back to the treasury fuelling another rumour that it is missing or unaccounted for. Usually, monies, once budgeted must be spent. In case the pastor does not know, that is called balancing the budget.