Between Rochas Okorocha and Jacob Zuma

Darling Buhari,  These days you have been quiet. I know the pressure on you and that you had to travel to Turkey and all. I really do understand. I am not one to nag.  Anyway, I hear rumours that you are about to reshuffle the cabinet and appoint a new Secretary to the Federal Government. […]

Darling Buhari, 

These days you have been quiet. I know the pressure on you and that you had to travel to Turkey and all. I really do understand. I am not one to nag. 

Anyway, I hear rumours that you are about to reshuffle the cabinet and appoint a new Secretary to the Federal Government. I am happy. I must thank you for removing the old one in the first place because you know how he annoyed me, pretending not to be involved in corruption and all. I just want to know what will happen to him. I know you will do justice like you always do and allow the system to work and prosecute him. 

I like how you are putting on weight these days. Now I am more confident about 2019-2023. In fact, I am already making plans about where we are going to go with the presidential jet. 

So we have to talk about Rochas Okorocha. I hear he gave  Jacob Zuma a huge erection in Owerri. Zuma also received a chieftaincy title to boot. I thought it was just Rochas, and I wanted to call it an Imo erection, but it turned out that Obasanjo and Saminu Turaki were there. These -prominent politicians from the three major ethnic groups were represented there. So I can safely say it was Nigeria that honoured Jacob Zuma. I am really impressed at how our people can overcome ethnic differences and political affiliations when it truly matters. I mean, Jacob Zuma may be facing hundreds of corruption charges in his native South Africa, but that is not our business. It is not as if he has committed war crimes. When I have a friend, I do not concern myself with the private quarrels he has with his family members in private. The fact is Jacob Zuma as our friend has brought us together in a multi-ethnic ceremony which highlights that if we really put our minds to it there is nothing we cannot do together.  I am wondering if we erect a statue for Trump in Nigeria. I mean, after Zuma, we can only go higher. 

My dear, I saw some people angry that your Aishah Ahmad, pick for CBN deputy did not dress decently in pictures or cover her hair. Maybe we should allow those people who want to complain about how women dress to come forward and say their minds. Maybe we should hear them out. Maybe they want to have all women wear chains around their legs and arms which will be activated by remote control by men in society. I am thinking they might like that. Being able to have a switch that can, by pointing at a woman whose exercise of freedom they detest tie, her legs and arms. I am not saying this is what we should do. I am just saying we should listen to these men who feel so offended by random women who have nothing to do with them. But then, maybe this is an admission of weakness. You know not all men are like you and I. Some of them are weak imbeciles who do not know how to handle the sight of a woman’s body. These weak men need protection from the freedom of women and from the ability of women to exist in the world as equal human beings and free moral agents. It is just too much for some men to handle. That is why I think we should listen to their needs as Nigerians. Maybe there is something we can do to help out with this weakness. Because an injury to one is an injury to all. Or wait. Maybe we should take them to therapy. And I know just what kind of therapy. We can take all these men who can’t stand the sight of free, equal women and put them in a room with free equal women for like one month. No breaks. One hundred percent exposure to free equal women so that they can get immune to this. It is just like with vaccinations. Vaccines introduce controlled amounts of the dangerous organism into the body so that the body can develop a resistance to it. So that afterwards, if the body ever comes in contact with such an organism, virus or otherwise, it will be immune to any infections. I think this will work wonders. You might be sceptical. But we never know until we try. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. Release him and his people. I know you want to. You just have a lot of other work to do. I hope you can remember to do this soon. 

Yours now and till 2023.