Beware the Naija god!
Even the blind know, that we are the most religious. Everywhere you look, there is a mosque, a church or a shrine. One must be careful in official gatherings knowing which comes first, because a mistake could be deadly. The Naija god is not expected to help anyone who is on the bad side of […]
Even the blind know, that we are the most religious. Everywhere you look, there is a mosque, a church or a shrine. One must be careful in official gatherings knowing which comes first, because a mistake could be deadly. The Naija god is not expected to help anyone who is on the bad side of the Naija, the chances of such a person getting anywhere close to the celestial hotline could be very slim. Every time you hear of an accident, or death somewhere, somebody’s prayer must have been answered. Because the Naija does not spare his enemy, perceived or imagined. If you have ever stayed close to a Naija in prayer, you will know why the Naija god doesn’t see forgiveness as a virtue.
It is said in some quarters that you should love your enemy and pray for those who persecute you – we know how to do that well here, we pray for them to die hot deaths. Hot deaths are how we know that the Naija god has answered prayer. It is different from normal death. Why love your enemy and watch them grow fat when you can kill them with prayers and make their food useful for almajiri? Why go the extra mile with a kidnapper if you can rain fire and brimstone to halt them and reduce further damage on the earth. Why pray for the conversion of your enemy when you can add their celestial mansion to yours.
The way I see things, except for the short periods when divine recorders are sent to holy lands to record pilgrims prayers, nobody can beat the Naija prayer warrior. He does not just approach the throne of grace with western civility; no. He lives in neighbourhoods where deafening music keeps him awake at day and relies on the Muezzin’s loudspeakers as his dawn alarm clock. When a Naija prays, he does not mumble like Hannah in the temple, no, he hollers. Now with his decibel above natural specifications, how do you think the Naija god can ignore such heckling? No other terrestrial being disturbs celestial tranquility than the Naija.
When the Naija worship, they do it in style. Those who say that the hood does not make the monk lived in another planet. Our definition of humility is not reflected in our worship garments. We dust our best garments either for Juma’at service or Sunday mass, where permitted, we parade our latest fashion in the house of worship, preferably in the middle of service. When we approach the throne of grace, we show celestial authorities that we are not beggars likely to be assuaged by crumbs but legitimate people who have come to ask for the real thing. And the Naija god knows better than to give crumbs. What more, if he dithers, we help him by decapitating someone’s head or severing someone’s genitals except our own.The Naija priest is not satisfied eating off the altar. He has business sense – schools, hospitals, businesses sometimes too dainty for his members to patronise.
In twelve years of demoncrazy, one dividend of democracy has been inalienably offered – the GSM and its kin, the internet. I hear somebody wants to take that away. All I can say to them is, beware lest the Naija determine that you are an enemy. If they set their differences apart and pray to their God, a fate worse than befell Abacha could befall you. When Achebe wrote that God’s Case No Appeal, he was talking about the unforgiving Naija god. Even President Jones understands that, hence he invoked the doctrine of few amen when necessary and now, he can junket all over while his enemies shout the C-word.
Worshippers of the Naija god never let a season pass without sending hot coals of prayers against their foes. They cherry-pick the hottest parts of the scriptures and use it as incantation against the foe while infusing the beatitudes on themselves. They sprinkle magical blood and anoint their houses, but guess what, the armed robber knows how to pick the untouched items. The Naija is a prayer missile waiting to explode on the enemy. The Naija worshipper knows his enemy but does not believe that he too could be an enemy of someone else.
The trouble with heaven is likely to be that when a worshipper prays against an enemy not knowing that he is someone else’s enemy, things could get complicated in the answering department. Celestial beings might rely on either on who shouts first, or who shouts loudest; but since there is seniority even in the matter of faith there could be trouble in heaven. The day Naija realises that corrupt politrickcians are his worst enemies, undertakers may be having a giant celebration. But trust Naija politrickcians, they could hire the Naija to hit heaven with heavier decibel of noise and make the request boomerang. Maybe this is why we have not succeeded in deploying the missile of hot prayers to solve our national problems.