Boyfriend, not suitor

‘Consider it a treat, something you only eat because you are honoured guests in my humble abode,’ she defended. ‘Considering that we come to your house no less than three times a month, there is no way our diets can succeed if you continue to tempt us,’ Asabe joined in, munching her own piece from […]

‘Consider it a treat, something you only eat because you are honoured guests in my humble abode,’ she defended.

‘Considering that we come to your house no less than three times a month, there is no way our diets can succeed if you continue to tempt us,’ Asabe joined in, munching her own piece from a side plate.

‘Ok, I resolve to make this the last ‘unhealthy’ snack you eat in this house. When next you come inshaAllah, it will only be fruits, green salad and water. However, I want to tell you why I said we had to have this meeting today. I had an interesting discussion with Ibrahim’s niece yesterday. It got me thinking that we have an emergency on our hands and we have to find a way to deal with it.’ She explained.

‘Really? And what could that be? I asked sipping my zobo drink.

‘You know she’s a student in the university in town. Because her parents live far away she always comes here for the weekends, whenever she can. Yesterday I ran into her in the bedroom sobbing. When I asked what was wrong she said ‘Just pray for me Aunty, pray for me to get a nice decent man to marry. I am through with boyfriends, I will never have a boyfriend again.’

‘Through with boyfriends?’ I asked, perplexed. ‘Then how do you hope to meet a man to marry?’

‘No, I have nothing against meeting a man who wants marriage. I just said I am no longer having a boyfriend,’ Sajida repeated.

‘But you are getting me confused. Is it not a boyfriend or admirer, as we say in my days who turns into a suitor and asks for your hand in marriage?’ I asked her.

‘Not at all, Aunty,’ she countered, sitting up. ‘Today, a boyfriend has no marriage on his mind. He’s just someone who chases you, makes you do a lot of naughty things and then dumps you for the next victim.’ Then she took another look at the mobile phone in her hand, apparently reading a text message, before she burst into tears again.

‘What is it, Sajida, what is making you cry?’ I asked sitting next to her on the bed.

‘I’ve been crying over the text message my latest boyfriend sent to me ending our relationship. Honestly, Aunty I can’t take anymore of this heartache.’

‘Latest boyfriend? You mean you’ve been through this before?’

‘Yes, Aunty, twice before. This is my third and inshaAllah, my last boyfriend.’

‘But how could you allow this to happen again after the first time? Didn’t you learn anything from the first time you were used and dumped? Didn’t you yourself say they make you do a lot of naughty things, and marriage is the last thing on their mind, how then can you go through it over and over again?’ I demanded, suddenly angry.

‘Because it is the vogue. Everyone has to have a boyfriend to look cool on campus. Those who don’t have are ridiculed and seen as unpopular. If you want to be with the right crowd you have to be going out with a boy,’ she defended.

‘Well, I suppose you’ve now seen just how popular you are with three dumpers. And by naughty things, I believe you mean the relationship isn’t quite platonic?’

‘No it isn’t,’ she answered, her head bowed.

‘I am truly disappointed in you, Sajida. So now you sit here and tell me you want a nice decent man to marry after messing up your life with three young men. Do you think you deserve a good man after this? What will you be taking to his house after making a gift of your virginity to some unworthy youths in school?’ I demanded.

‘But they always say that men no longer care for virgins,’ she replied, openly sobbing. ‘They say it’s an old-fashioned thing to save yourself for marriage because the men themselves don’t appreciate it.’

‘I suppose by ‘they’ you mean your boyfriends, don’t you? Well ‘they’ were saying so to have their way with you and they’ve obviously succeeded. But believe me, any man who pays a dowry for your hand expects to meet a virgin, unless  it’s on record that you are divorced or widowed,’ I told her.

‘Really, Aunty?  Oh my God, I’m doomed,’ Sajida moaned.

‘Yes, you are, my dear and it’s not just this world we are talking about. Even in the hereafter, you are now listed among the fornicators,’ I warned.

‘Please don’t talk like that Aunty, you are making it sound so serious.’

‘Oh, but it is serious. Didn’t you know that what you and your cool friends were doing was a sin punishable both in this world and the next? Well, you may call it having a boyfriend or ‘going out’ or whatever euphemism you may use for it, but what you cool girls were doing with young men is called fornication, a major sin in all major religions. And unless you are ready to repent and never do so again, your record in heaven is permanently tainted.’

‘Please and please, Aunty,’ she came down on her knees and held my hand. ‘Please help me pray to God to forgive me. I will never go back to that life again.’ The tears were now streaming down her pretty face, uncontrollably.

‘I will help you pray Sajida, but no one can pray for your forgiveness better than you. You have to take a ritual bath with the intention of repentance and sincerely repent. Then go and meet your cool friends and advise them to do the same. Afterwards you can pray for a good husband who will be kind enough to overlook your obvious limitation. Nodding her head vigorously, Sajida immediately rose and headed for the bathroom. She left me thinking that we had to come up with something to help these misguided young women,’ Maryam concluded.

‘Poor girl,’ Asabe observed thoughtfully. ‘It’s amazing how times change. Remember how we used to shun any girl seen returning to Nana Hall from the direction of Boy’s Hostel in our days? Apparently those transgressors are the cool ones today.’

‘Yes, and I am amazed at the boys too. Imagine telling girls that no man cares about virginity just in order to seduce them. How audacious can they get?’ Maryam added.

‘But we shouldn’t be too hard on these youths. Long before them, men have been using this same psychological warfare to try to seduce women. Maryam don’t you remember that admirer or is it boyfriend he was, that you had during our NYSC days? You know he asked you to travel with him for a weekend and when you refused and said you were not that kind of girl he said you must never expect to find a husband if you stuck to your old-fashioned ways. In fact I believe he said it was because ‘ba a cinikin biri a sama’ (no one purchases a monkey on a tree),’ I recalled.

‘Oh, you and your legendary memory,’ Maryam said while we all laughed.

‘The point I tried to make is, there have always been unscrupulous men who will say anything to get a woman to bed, girls can only resist them with a good dose of moral and spiritual awareness. I remember the very first time Tahir touched my hand, we were distributing our wedding cards and his hand inadvertently touched mine, in the car, while he was reaching for the car keys. I immediately lifted my hand from where it was and he immediately apologised. I mean it was just two weeks to our wedding, but that strong sense of wrongdoing prevented us from indulging in any physical contact. This is what is lacking in the Sajidas of this world today. However this is not to say that there are no chaste young women around. Those old-fashioned types on campus are examples of them. And we have similarly virtuous graduate women in the workplace,’ I explained.

‘So where does this leave us?’ Maryam asked.

‘I think we should organise lectures under the auspices of the Ladies Parliament and hold them on different campuses to sensitise young women on the dangers of premarital sex. We should invite religious scholars, psychologists as well as health personnel to present papers highlighting these spiritual, moral and health dangers from their professional perspectives,’ Asabe suggested.

‘Yes. We must also publish a booklet with the title ‘Yes to Virginity’ and present in it all the arguments in favour of chastity, as well as debunk all those psychological warfare arguments that unscrupulous men use to seduce young women. Then we must distribute them on campuses as well as in secondary schools and hope that they will have the desired impact,’ I said.

‘They will definitely have a positive impact, because I know that Sajida’s problem was one of being a total spiritual illiterate. Didn’t you hear how shocked she was to hear that she had a moral and spiritual case to answer? She thought she was just being cool,’ Maryam observed in annoyance.