Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence
By Zayd Ibn Isah Nothing clearly depicts man’s inhumanity to his fellow human being like the video circulating on social media of a woman burned to death by her supposed husband in Abagana, Anambra State. According to news reports, tempers flared between the couple after the husband confronted his wife over allegations of infidelity. In […]
By Zayd Ibn Isah
Nothing clearly depicts man’s inhumanity to his fellow human being like the video circulating on social media of a woman burned to death by her supposed husband in Abagana, Anambra State. According to news reports, tempers flared between the couple after the husband confronted his wife over allegations of infidelity. In the ensuing drama, the husband, Mr. Sunday Nwanna, threw caution to the wind, poured petrol on his wife, and, like bushes set ablaze during Harmattan, set her on fire.
As I watched the video of the woman writhing on the floor, I wondered what could have driven a man to kill his wife in such a cruel manner. I use the word “cruel” because no other word can adequately describe such a horrific act.
Now, if you ask the man why he set his wife ablaze over a mere allegation of infidelity, he would likely blame the devil. But as I often say, there are some atrocities so vile that even the devil would deny having any knowledge of them. How does one explain a man setting his beloved wife ablaze over an unproven allegation of adultery—not even catching her in the act, let alone on their matrimonial bed? At this point, it was all hearsay. Only God knows what he would have done if he had actually caught her in the act.
Unfortunately, domestic violence has become as rampant as weeds in a neglected garden. Couples no longer have the decency to resolve their issues amicably. As a result, many matrimonial homes have become little more than boxing rings where partners who were once in love now fight to the bitter end. According to a 2022 report by the National Bureau of Statistics (NBS), 28% of women aged 15–49 in Nigeria have experienced physical violence at least once since the age of 15. Even more disturbing is the finding that over half of these women endured such violence from their current or former husbands or partners.
It is not only women who suffer from domestic violence; men also find themselves at the receiving end of this culture of cruelty. However, male victimisation remains deeply underreported, as societal expectations often discourage men from admitting they have been abused. Two prominent cases point out the issue. The first is that of Maryam Sanda, who fatally stabbed her husband, Bilyaminu Bello, during a dispute over alleged infidelity. Her actions shocked the nation and ignited conversations about men as victims of domestic violence.
Another high-profile case is that of Yewande Oyediran, who killed her husband, Lowo Oyediran, during an argument. However, I reference these cases not to make it seem like domestic violence is vice versa, and by so doing, rationalise the actions of Mr. Sunday and other male abusers, because some people, after reading this piece, would start saying, “What is the writer insinuating?” But to draw our attention to the fact that domestic violence is not gender-specific and that men, too, can fall victim to such heinous acts.
The issue of domestic violence is also a global phenomenon. Recently, I read on Facebook about an American man who killed his wife over allegations of infidelity. In the man’s case, he didn’t wait for the law to take its course—he killed himself as well.
Although domestic violence is a global issue, victims of domestic violence in Europe, America and other continents have advantages over their counterparts here. At least, I have never seen where an American woman is advised to remain in an abusive marriage because of societal stigma. Nor is it common for her family to refuse to welcome her back, or, if they do, for her to be received with cold shoulders.
Therefore, to break the cycle of domestic violence, victims should be encouraged to leave their marriages rather than being persuaded to endure the abuse with the hope that their partner will miraculously turn over a new leaf. Parents must be willing to accept their children back from an abusive marital relationship without judgment or rejection. Telling your daughters, “As you leave for your husband’s house, don’t come back,” breeds a sense of mental dependency. It is as if they are being sold into slavery and gives the husband a bragging rights to treat his wife as it pleases him. Matrimonial homes are meant to be sanctuaries, not slave quarters or places of torment.
Another way to break the cycle of domestic violence is to address the culture of undue tolerance or condonation. Many Nigerians and Africans, unfortunately, normalise abuse and make excuses for enduring it. It’s common to hear victims respond to advice with statements like, “My sister, what can I do? I’m already in it. No marriage is perfect,” or “If I leave, who will marry me again after I’ve had four kids?” Such excuses only serve to embolden abusers and perpetuate the cycle of violence.
I am currently a bar candidate at the Nigerian Law School, and one of the most shocking things I have read in my over twenty years of existence was a conversation a lawyer had with his client under “The Law of Domestic Relations”. The woman was at the receiving end of one of the most despicable acts of domestic abuse, yet she was not willing to draw the curtain on her marriage. According to her, she wakes up and goes to bed every day wondering what her husband would do next. On one fateful night, the man came home dead drunk, as usual. While she was sleeping with their two-month-old baby, the husband urinated heavily on them. Startled, she rushed the baby to the bathroom, cleaned him up, and managed to take her bath despite the cold weather. She also changed the bedsheet and moved to a camp bed without complaining. She said she felt lucky that her husband did not beat her after urinating on her—as if that did not constitute abuse—and was relieved he did not bring another woman home to sleep with on their matrimonial bed.
I was irritated and agitated as I read the account, but what shocked me the most was the lawyer’s question about what she wanted to be done. Her response? “I can live with this. I only pray he doesn’t get worse than this. Divorce is the last thing on my mind.” At that point, I closed the book, wondering if love could be so blind as to make someone endure even the highest form of human misery.
The woman’s experience is the perfect definition of living in bondage, and there are thousands like her living in such abusive conditions, unwilling to let go. In fact, a popular slogan among Gen Zs captures how ingrained this mindset is: “It is better to cry in a G-Wagon than to smile in a Keke Napep or trek from Obalende to Ojota with your poor, loving husband.” This highlights the toxic prioritization of wealth and material comfort over personal safety and dignity. You begin to wonder: how do we break this culture of violence when even the younger generation, who should know better, perpetuates such a mindset?
Breaking this toxic culture requires a societal shift in mindset. Families, communities, and religious institutions must emphasise the sanctity of life and the importance of self-worth over societal expectations. It’s crucial to challenge the narrative that enduring abuse is a virtue or a necessary sacrifice for the sake of marriage.
Victims of domestic violence should not only be encouraged to leave abusive relationships but also be advised to seek legal redress in court instead of resorting to self-help. Speaking of self-help, the Emir of Kano and former CBN Governor, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi II, once said he told his daughters to retaliate whenever their husbands slapped them. He made this statement at the National Dialogue Conference on Gender-Based Violence, themed: ‘Islamic Teachings and Community Collaboration for Ending Gender-Based Violence,’ organized by the Centre for Islamic Civilization and Interfaith Dialogue (CICID) at Bayero University Kano, in collaboration with the Development Research and Projects Centre (dRPC) and supported by the Ford Foundation.
Drawing from his recent doctorate thesis on family law and Sharia court cases in Kano, he noted that over five years, 51% of cases revolved around maintenance issues, while 26 percent concerned harm inflicted on women. Among those, 45 percent involved domestic violence, often severe. “We had women whose limbs were broken. We had women whose teeth were knocked out. We had women who were victims of constant beating with sticks. We had women where the husband and his other wives beat one of the wives. We’ve had cases of Khadis having to send her sons to trial for criminal assault because of the nature of the beating against their wives. This is the common beating that happens”, he said.
While the Emir’s frustration and desire to protect his daughters from abuse is understandable, resorting to self-help often exacerbates the problem. Didn’t the Emir consider that in the process of retaliating, his daughters could be overpowered by their husbands, leading to potentially tragic outcomes? Women are naturally more vulnerable physically, unless perhaps the Emir ensured his daughters underwent rigorous self-defense training in “karate”in anticipation of what lies ahead in their husbands’ houses. Except there is an immediate threat to life requiring self-defense, the wiser course of action is to leave an abusive marriage and pursue legal redress. “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” as Mahatma Gandhi aptly said.
Additionally, support systems, shelters, and counseling services for victims of domestic violence must be strengthened. Survivors need safe spaces where they can rebuild their lives without fear, judgment, or stigma. Providing resources and legal support will ensure that victims are empowered to make decisions that prioritize their safety and well-being. Ultimately, the malaise of faulty unions can be cured by constantly propagating the message that no marriage or relationship is worth losing one’s dignity, peace of mind, self-esteem and life. And even in the storm of bad relationships, we can always stretch our hands out to remind victims that their lives matter, and that they deserve all the love, care, understanding and support they can get.
Zayd Ibn Isah can be reached at [email protected]