Buhari’s handshake

Meanwhile, Buhari’s handshake is trending on social media. He shook hands with a woman whose awesome beauty entrapped even an aging come-raid. This handshake is a bigger thing in the hearts of bigots than the recovery of the 200 schoolgirls captured a year ago in Chibok; it is of more political mileage than the collapsing […]

Meanwhile, Buhari’s handshake is trending on social media. He shook hands with a woman whose awesome beauty entrapped even an aging come-raid. This handshake is a bigger thing in the hearts of bigots than the recovery of the 200 schoolgirls captured a year ago in Chibok; it is of more political mileage than the collapsing economy preventing governments from paying salaries; much more important than job creation or insecurity. To be a successful Grand Imam of the Republic of Naija, a Sheikh must adhere strictly to the rules of no handshake with women outside his harem.
But Buhari is not a ‘good’ Muslim. He is married to only one wife who is unveiled and shares not just her irresistible beauty and charm with the world but also her beautiful smile and lofty ideas. To compound Buhari’s apostasy, he has a pastor of a fast-growing church as running mate and has been known to employ Christians – a double whammy. Buhari has been known to dress in suits, buba and sokoto and even ishagu – and to drink water from glass cups instead of ram skins. It is understood that he uses toothpaste instead of chewing stick.
Just like Ahmed Sani supervised the amputation of Jangedi before realizing that his sharia compliant beard does not prevent co-mingling with Abuja-babes these social media ascetics use Satan’s tool – social media to spill their bile exactly like their brother brutes in Boko Haram and ISIS. Their next quest would be Aisha Buhari – she must wear the niqab, never be seen and never heard. A woman named after the prophet’s wife must not share her awesome beauty with the rest of humanity. Then the first children must follow suit. Someone must advice Nnamdi Sambo to stop his wife from returning to boko lest she drops her hijab and lose her iman. In these matters, if you give an inch, you’ve conceded paradise.
Welcome to the republic of munafunci or bigotry. If you’re seeking explanations for why the world is being overrun by extremism, look no further. It is said that the man who ‘exposed’ the second haramic handshake is a university don. He got more than his fifteen minutes of fame but he has stirred the hornets of controversy and may be savouring the nectar of mischief. He may be the principal witness in a PDP forensic audit of those whose fingerprints brought Muhammadu Buhari his presidential mandate. Any trace of a Christian, pagan, animist or atheist fingerprint automatically nullifies the results and returns the mandate back to President Jones as predicted by Bastard Okugbe.
On the other hand, any ‘true’ Muslim who went to the polls on March 28 and voted Muhammadu Buhari has broken the codes and should have their thumbs chopped off. Pamphlets airdropped on Boko Haram territories warned the ummah from taking part in elections that superimposes the superiority of a constitutional order on divine laws. Any true Muslim with a secular passport or working in a secular government office has committed haram, because according to Abubakar Shekau there can be no state outside the state of the Ummah as defined by him.
This is where the real contradiction comes; the House of Saud does not confer citizenship on non-Hashemites even if they pledge allegiance to the King or have lived generations in the Holy Land. Wait a minute – looks like the House of Saud itself is haram, after all al-Baghdadi kills Muslims in Syria and all over the Middle East just as his kinsman Shekau plants bombs in mosques, churches, markets and schools in the north.
Fundamentalist rote learners and one-track minded bigots willing to pronounce fatwa on Buhari for shaking the hands of a woman have missed it. They can misquote scriptures to support their warped logic and the killing of innocent people. They won’t find a hadith that supports using weapons of mass destruction to wage their wars. Social media is filled with closet Shekau and budding al-Baghdadis and propagating hatred. Like the cowardly bastards they are, they sit behind computers and handsets imitating their leaders – Satan, Shekau and al-Baghdadi who also hide in bunkers, drive around in armoured cars but push ruined minds to die for a cause they are only willing to live for. We should find them, name them, shame them and send them for the psychiatric evaluation and treatment they require without knowing because truth be told – they are raving lunatics roaming free and can’t stop Buhari from doing the job we have sent him.
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