Campaign apologies

Dearest Buhari, That ceremony where you apologised to MKO Abiola on behalf of all of us, especially your friends who kept him in jail where he ultimately died, was a great ceremony. Everyone loved it, especially in the South West. I have been thinking of more ways to fast-track governance and give people around the […]

Dearest Buhari,

That ceremony where you apologised to MKO Abiola on behalf of all of us, especially your friends who kept him in jail where he ultimately died, was a great ceremony. Everyone loved it, especially in the South West. I have been thinking of more ways to fast-track governance and give people around the country more apologies so that we can win these elections next year. 

I mean we all know that the real governance happens in the months before elections. And it is not your fault that you didn’t do much in the first three years. Every reasonable person knows that the first three years are just a dress rehearsal for re-election and that the only things that count are the projects and apologies done when one has announced his intention to re-contest. One major reason is that human beings, especially Nigerians, are forgetful. I wanted to say ungrateful, but the truth is that people just forget. If you had done all you have been doing in the past few weeks when you first came, if the judges had passed sentences on the two former corrupt governors early when you came, people would have forgotten. It is not your fault. It is just how people are and who are we to question God. 

So, now that they have seen our campaign posters, let us go to the South-South and look for something to make them forget about your 5% comment. Maybe do something like apologising to Ken Saro-Wiwa who was executed by your friend and former boss Sani Abacha on trumped-up charges and against global outcry. Seeing that you worked for that government, people may accept the apology as genuine if you say you are sorry that the government you once worked for killed an environmental activist for asking for justice for his land and people. Give him a national honour. Or force JAMB or WAEC to make his many books compulsory reading so that his family can at least benefit financially. Then bring back Bassey and Company (which he wrote) to NTA and let them show it every evening until the elections with a reminder that you have apologised to the Saro Wiwa family. I think this will win us some votes. 

I know you said that thing about Aisha Buhari belonging to the kitchen and the other room. Some of your enemies might remind women about it and it may annoy some. And we know that women are more than 50% of the population. So I think maybe we should do something to make you look like you think that women are equal to men. I am not saying you should call yourself a feminist. Just some photos and videos to give to your foot soldiers online to say, you see, he likes women too. Maybe a photo of you helping with the food in the kitchen. You don’t have to actually do it. We can do some photoshop. Or a picture of you holding the door open for your wife. But wait, that might be tricky because that might be seen as sexist. So I think we should stick to the kitchen thing. Also, we will point out that you have appointed some women into your cabinet. Are there any other women we can quickly appoint to boards? And then host them at the villa at an event for women in governance, where people will say how you give women a free hand in your government? And then we use those for posters about how caring you are. 

Nigerians don’t care for animals, except perhaps for the animals that they eat, otherwise, I would have suggested getting a pet and doing photos to show your human side. But those animal rights people can’t help you with any votes. In fact, Nigerians will be angry about you wasting money on things they can eat. If we were in the UK now we would have gotten a nice little cat or dog. But hmmm, in this Nigeria if you take campaign photos with a new cat in the Villa your political enemies will start fake news about how the cat is a witch and how you are into juju. Please, dear, stay away from cats at least until we win the elections in 2019. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna.  It is never too late to do the right thing. It is 2018. We need good karma for our 2019 re-election. Release him, his wife and his people. Or conduct a fair and open trial. Then we can add it to the campaign posters with the rider: Buhari the forgiving leader. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever