Change of Name

We in the PDP have been more generous than the archetypal hunter. We have called to dinner, people who did not labour with us and have been generous enough, in several instances to throw fat bones. A good dog never complains but waits for the next hunt, happy with what the master grants. Our generosity […]

We in the PDP have been more generous than the archetypal hunter. We have called to dinner, people who did not labour with us and have been generous enough, in several instances to throw fat bones. A good dog never complains but waits for the next hunt, happy with what the master grants.

Our generosity is so legendary to the point of playing God. We have a Villa Chaplain who has direct access to the Almighty Himself, but in other not to be termed selfish and intolerant, we sometimes contract out our prayers. We sometimes visit enemy churches; sometimes invite pastor/politicians to help us divide the pack. In all these instances, at no time did we suffer insult as we have suffered during the last Demoncrazy Day prayers.

We invite a Bishop to preach and to pray. We know his track record as a rebel, having capitalised on sodomy to divide the church that ordained him. Glaring scientific evidence says that freedom has no limits except the bounds set by its current ruler. We had thought, that this vicar, having reached his retirement and derobed of the usual perks of office, would begin to sing – I can see clearly now… That he would count his invitation a rare privilege,  just bless and pray for us even if God refuses the prayer. He could have rebuked or advised us in secret. Hell no! He went for the jugular of our party and government survival.

Corruption exists everywhere, even in the church. Pastors have become the founders of economic behemoths that loom larger than their salary. We are not unaware of the fact that some faith-based institutions charge nearly N1 million as school fees per term – for what? These proprietors cooperate. They don’t rock the boat, and so, we close our eyes, pretending that they are providing service. Did we agree to tax them as some critics have suggested? No. We expect them to reciprocate.

This Balaam came to curse Balak rather than bless. We are not bishops and have no titles, but it is not because we cannot get titles. We got degrees without writing earth-shattering dissertations; got chieftaincy titles without deserving them and won elections without making cogent promises. We can pray for ourselves. Just before the service, we had looked at the protocols on Amen and found that it is only Presidential to say a few amen and not more. We adopted that protocol in case somebody wanted one day news headlines that shameless editors and hack writers give. It is a disgusting breach of protocol when reporters count Amen instead of closing their eyes during prayers to Mammon.

I swear that I consulted the unholy trinity – I, Me and Myself and even invited my wife and ministers to contribute to help find us diversion. We found one and you are all talking about it instead of asking us a scorecard in 100 level of a four-year course. We are known to be magnanimous in heart and in spirit, but what did I get for my generosity, a group of sick and doctor-starved opposition brats demonstrating. You should all be glad that, as my good friend, Eweta Uduaghan has said, I have not used ten percent of my presidential powers. If I do, many of the protesting students would be on the guillotine by now.

Fellow compatriots, The original WS, I mean William Shakespeare (not the other one) asked – what’s in a name? Cassava bread will smell like wheat once you call it bread. What difference does it make to call me Garba Ebelambe Azikiwe Jonathan? What do I care if you call me the Corruptor in Chief of the Armed Robbers? All powers have been given to me to do as I please; to name anything anyhow and to rule and ruin as I deem fit. Therefore, by the powers conferred on me I hereby make the following pronouncements in view of the blatant disrespect of authority as demonstrated by students of the MAUL BG State; the following states would have their names changed and gazetted with effect from October 1.

For failing to call his area boys to order and causing panic on the streets and disruption of traffic on federal land, Lagos State is now renamed Bode George or BG State; Ekiti is to be called Engineer Segun Oni or ESE State; Osun State is henceforth to be called Oyin State; Ondo State is now to be named, called and addressed as Segun Agagu or SAG State. In the same vein, Ogun State is now to be named OGD State; Edo is now named after an illustrious shon of the shoil, Lawrence Anini, sorry, I meant Tony Anenih State. Nasarawa with its solid minerals and massive poverty is named after its longest serving governor; the man who has picked more chieftaincy titles than MKO and now a distinguished  Senator Abdullahi Adamu; it is now called Sarkin Yaki State. Yobe is now named Abata State, derived from the letters in the name of Abba Gana Tata our party’s last gubernatorial candidate there. Any resemblance to Abacha is simply coincidental.

Beloved compatriots, our country is at a crossroads, and the demonstrations in BG State shows how far behind our youths are in the knowledge of the people and personalities whose actions grew our demoncrazy. It is high time we begin to reverse this ugly trend and ensure that history remains the firm foundation on which our present is erected. To that effect, I have now also renamed Oyo State after the late Chief Busari Adelakun, aka Eruobodo, it will now be properly named Eruobodo State.  This garrison town has never lacked its own political leader even before the era of AMALA politics. As an offshoot of the defunct NPN, our party believes in credible opposition.

Imo kwenu! You will agree with me that former Governor Ikedi Ohakim retraced his steps having read the postcard sent to him which read – no matter how far you’ve gone on the wrong track, turn back. He later became known as Ikiri, and brought back the fame of the Igbo proverb – Onya ji ikiri, ikiri ji onya – Trap the galago and the trap itself is trapped. Imo State will now be called Ikiri State. It is a warning to our detractors and the opposition that come 2015, the entire country will be won for our great party.

Finally, if I hear mawuru mawuru from any quarters, I will take away the right of opposition children to name their children and set up a committee to suggest names. I can see names like Bag o Wire, Judas Iscariot, Hitler, featuring on the list. Long live demoncrazy. Happy birthday demoncrazy.