Cher M’sieur Macron

I pray that total calm returns to your beautiful country. Most of us have no better place to buy property, save money and holiday than Paris. It is important it remains peaceful. I was hoping to meet and greet and to discuss important issues affecting our two nations at the Climate Conference in Poland. You […]

I
pray that total calm returns to your beautiful country. Most of us have no better place to buy property, save money and holiday than Paris. It is important it remains peaceful. I was hoping to meet and greet and to discuss important issues affecting our two nations at the Climate Conference in Poland. You cannot imagine my shock when I was told that you had hurriedly returned home. I wondered what could have led to your hurried return.

My colleagues had genuine fears for your safety until I assured them that nobody had kidnapped, assassinated nor picked you up for rituals. Alhamdullilah those things are history in your part of the world and coups are improbable.

I was so disturbed by your sudden absence I skipped meals. In Africa we thought that you young, dynamic and agile leaders would put us dinosaurs out of the game. My cloud of worry and despair cleared when I learnt that you left because of some yellow-vest-wearing malcontents questioning your right to govern. In my grandchildren’s lingo vraiment! Seriously? In Africa the end of elections means only government has the right to think for the people. Opposition is NOT allowed. But there you are in the 21st Century afraid of being made the masculine version of Marie Antoinnette?

You mean you are afraid of a mob? Seriously this is why we never entrust power into the hands of children even if they have hashtags declaring they are – #NotTooYoungToRun. Young people cannot even control their girlfriends.  M’sieur Macron, the aphrodisiac of power is not for juveniles anymore than polygamy is for kids. You Europeans indulge the mob. Indulgence spoils a rich man’s child!

Your case is pathetic. France is not Switzerland. The Swiss have no army. A country without an army – as they say here – is that one a country? You, M’sieur Macron inherited an army of 300,000 strong fighting men (what do your women do – cook?). You have a 1,300 military strength aircraft on a $40 billion defense budget. Young man, what do you think they are for? M’sieur Macron, you have 100,000 gendarmes and a national police force of over 105,000; yet, you abandoned an earth-saving conference to negotiate with some miscreants in reflexive vests throwing water bottles and eggs and setting expensive vehicles on fire. While the rest of us cutting down trees to make firewood were saving the earth, there you were polluting it with teargas.

You’re about to lose the respect of African strongmen who have depended on you to remain in power. Do you think that le vieux Paul Biya earned the sobriquet of the Butcher of Barmenda by negotiating with protesters? Even Faure Gnassingbe inherited his father’s throne along with the ruthlessness that instills fear in the Togolese. M’sieur Macron seek to be feared – respect is for weaklings, fear is for valiant men. As I write, Togolese gendarmes are expert malcontent cleansers. You have more guns than the whole Africa so, what are you waiting for? Use it; let blood flow. Without the shedding of blood, there can be no respect of power.

The world has changed. Gone are the days of human rights pretension. Trump is not crying for the Venezuelan girl. Did you see Putin and MBS do the power clap even after the murder of Khassoggi? Show manly courage M’sieur Macron, shed blood, smile, and earn both fear and respect. That is what’s good for business.

Joseph Kabila was younger than you when he inherited a fractious DRCongo from his late father. With the help of your country, he has held tenaciously to power the way a lioness grasps the throat of its prey. And as a lioness teaching its cubs to hunt hands over a half-dead prey, Kabila is working on relinquishing power – but not quite. M’sieur Macron, power is too precious to be handled by kids. Don’t let Marine Le Pen tell the French that you have no balls!

Nobody messes with Eternal Supreme Guide, Pierre Nkurunziza even on the football pitch or Pastor Paul Kagame. The Gabonese are in limbo but the country is running. Pa Bubu was at Katowice after his troops lost 100 soldiers. Earlier his soldiers mauled down over 200 protesting Shiites yet he is set to win elections. Ask the RealDonald, that thing called democracy is not working reason America admires Putin, Shi Jinping and Kim Jong-Un as opposed to old allies. I understand Naija people have a saying – who democracy epp? Let the gendarmes shoot a few dozen yellow vest miscreants, pretend you know nothing about it and calm return faster than cold winter could make it. Make sure to apprise Trump before hand and ask him to play dumb.

M’sieur Macron, your African colonies are watching you. If you show signs of weakness, you’ll be setting a very bad example. Do not go down in history as the French leader who had to rely on winter to take his country back. My last word on this, you are not Italy, do NOT negotiate with the mob.

I’m looking forward to an invitation the Elysee for caviar and foie gras. Don’t worry, charge the bill to my account, that way you get back some of those foreign aid you give us and I save the rest in a Paris bank.

Amicalement, Proudly African Dictator