Children’s Day: Parenting beyond bread and butter

With over 200 Chibok girls in the dens of the Boko Haram sect, the 2014 Children’s Day, coming on the heels of the World Family Day, no doubt, calls for more sober reflections on how to reengineer the family system to give our children a better future.I am an unrepentant believer in the biblical injunction […]

With over 200 Chibok girls in the dens of the Boko Haram sect, the 2014 Children’s Day, coming on the heels of the World Family Day, no doubt, calls for more sober reflections on how to reengineer the family system to give our children a better future.
I am an unrepentant believer in the biblical injunction of bringing up a child in the way he or she should go, and when he or she grows, the child would hardly depart from it. I believe that the eyesores of our days, criminalities, and even terrorism, have so much to do with the declining upbringing and family value. If the terrorists could radicalise an average youth in a matter of weeks or months, or years, I also believe that except in exceptional cases, parents who spend most part of the character formation years with that child that became a man or woman, could do better in building and fortifying the them against antisocial tendencies.
My kids’ school adds extra fun to their pupils’ birthdays by allowing each child cut his/her cake and share little chops with the rest of the class during break time. For my kids, the class fun matters more than any other party that follows at home.
I got the warmest hug of my life the evening heralding my daughter’s birthday in 2011 when her mother brought her birthday packs home.   She creamed in an ecstasy of appreciation.
However, something happened which I didn’t take seriously. I promised her I would also join her at her class birthday bash to which she said “No!” But it had always been the norm for my wife and I, and sometimes her godparents and their spouses to join her at school on such occasions.  Could it be she was then too young to recollect all that or was beginning to conform to a wrong notion?
Well, I eventually showed up with her mum, godfather and his wife at her “all important bash.” Surprisingly, it took the entreaties of her teachers and mum for her to grudgingly permit me to be part of the group photograph. Instructively, I have always been my kids’ playmate. What could be wrong? She eventually muttered that class birthday “bashes” were only for mummies, aunties, and teachers. In other words, any father is an intruder at the class party. The teachers were quick to recall that fathers hardly had time to come over to join their kids. It was usually the mummies, aunties/housemaids, or even none.
Obviously, my daughter didn’t want other kids to tease her father as a “long throat” who had come to demolish their cake. It took the teachers’ intervention for her to understand that she was so special to daddy, hence he squeezed out a little time to come around; that it was the proper and not the odd thing to do.
Another experience was the Christmas holiday of 2011.  I had asked my wife to have some rest while I prepared lunch. My daughter was on hand to protest. “Daddy, you are not mummy or a girl, why would you cook?” she insisted as she flexed her muscle to force me out of the kitchen. I was so shocked. It reminded me how long it had been since I last cooked in that kitchen – very much unlike me because it is my favourite department – thanks to Mrs Josephine Anichukwu- now a retired teacher, disciplinarian, and above all, my mum. This girl was just four years at the time! So, who says character and notions aren’t formed so early in life?
However, facing the facts now, the truth is that putting three square meals on the table, footing the numerous exorbitant bills, meeting many social expectations, etc, are certainly no easy tasks. The rat race for survival and meeting the challenges of contemporary life has put virtually every family on overdrive, and it is difficult to blame anyone. I remember the mid 2000s when I was usually at my work place at 7.00am (latest) and returned home not earlier than 1am-2am. Nothing changed when I got married. In fact, my wife used to teasingly say goodnight to me each morning as I was leaving for work. I still recall that one of my former boss’ colleagues, now a high commissioner in one of our foreign missions, met me still working at 1.30am the week after my wedding. He was so furious. He told me he would certainly have divorced me if he were my wife. Thank God he wasn’t. And thank God I have an understanding wife.
Nevertheless, we must never take the understanding of our family for granted. A situation where even mothers are becoming more of strangers to their children, while many fathers are scarce commodities at home holds repercussions for the family and the society.
Yes, we must redefine our values. For instance, is a wealthy home one with so much money to throw about, sponsor the kids in the most expensive schools and summer holiday trips, or one where there is rich character, bonding, and parenting? Is costly education without the requisite character grooming to match worthwhile? What does it profit a family to amass all the wealth in the world and end up with reprobate children?
Dear fellow parents, our kids are growing under the competing influences of a far more sophisticated world overflowing with such heavy doses of mass and social media, and peer pressures never known in our days. If the youths are fast graduating from mere juvenile delinquencies to full-blown criminalities; if discipline has gone to the baboons; if the nation is just too Boko Harassed; it is because we have failed to give the children, and indeed our families the time, companionship, attention, total love, and support they deserve. We certainly owe it to them to be real fathers and mothers, not mere breeders and breadwinners.
As a postscript, I pray my wife doesn’t read this piece, for she is likely to say, “Physician, heal thyself” because the piece is self-indicting. Yes, I do my best, but this occasion of Children’s Day is a time to remind myself and other parents that we could and indeed should do much more.
Anichukwu is an Abuja-based public affairs analyst.