Christmas Cards

–    Poring through the goodwill I usually get at this period of year. –    On your computer? –    Yes now. It’s the digital age and besides, people have realized how cheap it is to send electronic hampers to a million known and unknown subscribers and get passionate instantaneous responses. –    Huum, you and your friends […]

–    Poring through the goodwill I usually get at this period of year.

–    On your computer?

–    Yes now. It’s the digital age and besides, people have realized how cheap it is to send electronic hampers to a million known and unknown subscribers and get passionate instantaneous responses.

–    Huum, you and your friends are what your wife call active dodgers.

–    Life is changing and we must all learn to change with it. Can I read some of them to you?

–    By all means but offer me something to drink first.

–    I love the ones with wishes. This one is from my guardian angel it says – David was singled out from the crowd for the crown. Today, you’ll be spotted for glory.

–    Yes, if you work hard!

–    Your name and I would not be used for obituary this year?

–    Nonsense, we will all die at some point, whether during Christmas, New Year, Sallah …death is certain. You should be happy to see someone use your name as obituary when you go, because not everyone gets that rare opportunity. Mostly very important thieves, VITs who die in the active service.

–    True, now this – I command every finger of accusation pointed at you to wither by fire today in…

–    Nonsense, if you have done something wrong, of course, accusing fingers would be pointed at you and rightly too. How about this, may the sword of Damocles hang on every neck that is destroying the lives of people in this country?

–    Sorry, I already used up all the ‘amen’ allowed for bad prayers in 2012. But yes, I get your feel.

–    Nonsense, you go visiting pastors for blessings but when I said prayer that suits your behavior you remember an obtuse protocol.

–    This one is from a famous man of God.

–    Which ones, the ones toiling for souls or the ones milking them to buy exotic jets and build expansive businesses?

–    Abeg, I no know book o.

–    Know book, have you read Ezekiel 34, which prophesies doom to you shepherds who feed your own mouths. Aren’t you shepherds supposed to feed the sheep? So speak the truth even to pastors.

–    That siege of death built around you shall be destroyed today in…

–    Spare me that, they are protected by policemen, hire private guards and ride in large convoys; they live in gated houses but speak empty words to the congregation left to the man-made elements, na wah o.

–    Hear this one, someone reading this would have his debt cancelled in the New Year.

–    I hope the super-rich pastors have opened a diary of debtors who got into debts to become the highest donors in their congregation. I hope the pastors have plans to liquidate the debts? Because computer glitches are rare in the financial sector these days. So, I hope no debtor takes that ‘blessing’ seriously.

–    You don’t need to pay it off if you have faith.

–    Whaaat? Tell me I didn’t just hear that? You shouldn’t owe in the first place if you were content with your wages, if your God-given wealth had been properly managed to cater for the essential needs of life. That is what God meant when he said – you shall lend to nations and you shall not borrow? It is conditional to doing the right things.

–    Do you doubt miracles?

–    No, but I don’t feed on it, I work hard and seek God’s blessings on my toil. I don’t amass more than my needs per time. Gullible people want pies falling from the skies.

–    Do you blame them? They toil and have nothing, and see people who toil less riding in the latest cars and buying off the world around them.

–    Huum, you’re fouling the fresh Christmas air. Government is realigning for 2014 when all things, including Fresh Air would be finally free.

–    Oh yes, I just heard that they are fixing the ports with a recycled and refurbished chairman and board members. The haves are guaranteed to have more and the poor keep praying.

–    Looks like Boy George did a shoddy job of managing the ports. He was supposed to incapacitate it so that government can offer it for sale to Forbes-listed buyers or lackeys. Government should to Boy George for the injustice done to him.

–    It is happening already. With the new appointment, the cycle is complete – ex-brigands handle port security and the fixer fixes the inside.

–    This President is not as dumb as the wicked press portray him. He knows what’s going on, he knows that civil servants have more houses than Dangote.

–    Yes, but how many has he prosecuted?

–    That’s not the job of a president. Every time a thief is caught, he tells them to go and sin no more. He is magnanimous.

–    Isn’t he? Merry Christmas!