Controlling your kids’ minds: Quick and dirty tricks for parents and teachers (III)

Split the issue – TV time, toys Here’s a problem.  The children have finished their homework.  They are eager to receive the promised reward: watching TV.  There’s however, a problem.  They’re divided over the channel to watch.  One wants to watch the Nat Geo Wild, the other, the Cartoon Network.  There’s only one TV in […]

Split the issue – TV time, toys

Here’s a problem.  The children have finished their homework.  They are eager to receive the promised reward: watching TV.  There’s however, a problem.  They’re divided over the channel to watch.  One wants to watch the Nat Geo Wild, the other, the Cartoon Network.  There’s only one TV in the house.  What to do?  The time on the TV is also limited, only 30 minutes before going to bed.

Deepak Malhotra in his book, “Negotiating the Impossible,” advises that when we are confronted with one contentious issue we should split the issue so that we can have options, and a breathing space if you ask me.  

Deepak Malhotra says: “Avoid negotiating over a single divisive issue.  Add issues or link separate one-issue negotiations.”

But the issue is watching TV, how do you split watching TV to get options?  You could facilitate an arrangement where the children would agree on what to watch today and what to watch tomorrow.  Someone may have the choice of what to watch today and another chooses what to watch tomorrow.  However, if there is time, instead of tomorrow and today, they could have 30 minutes session each.

The same thing applies to toys.  When one toy becomes a problem and everyone claims ownership, how do you split the issue?  You introduce another toy.  This way each party can get something of value.  Of course this helps if there’s a difference in age, such as my house where one is two and the other is six.  You can appeal to the older one’s seniority to allow the younger one make a first choice.  However, if those you’re dealing with are all Terrible Twos, you may have more problem on your hands. Yet, that doesn’t not mean it’s not possible.  

But know that 2-year olds own the world.  Sometimes they allow you to use a portion of that world, sometimes, they don’t.  That is just the way it is.  And Dalai Lama said: “What is, is.”

Explaining further, Malhotra gives example with his own family:  “When one of my children wants a toy that a sibling is playing with, I often advise him or her to bring along another toy to facilitate a potential trade. Arguing over who will get the one and only toy is not likely to end well.”

Handling problems with children this way, teaches them that problems could be solved without anyone raising their voice or fighting.  It expands their thinking and encourages them to be more creative in resolving conflicts.  They also learn a valuable skill that a stalemate can be resolved if we find a way of getting everyone to ‘win’ or when we get everyone to make concessions.

Introduce a decoy – my son and a little-girl bicycle

 Earlier, I told you about my son’s request for a tablet and a bicycle.  Since we came back home from the diaspora, he has not had any bicycle.  Now he’s interested in another one, even though he can’t ride.  But he’s more interested in a tablet, because when I asked him to choose between the two, he chose the tablet.

“Baba can only buy one of these two for you.  So choose one,” I told him.

He thought for a while, then said: “tablet!”  

But his mother and I had just encountered an insightful information that stated that too much time on the gadgets like tablets could increase absentmindedness in children.  It’s also important that children understand that it is not everything they ask for that they get.  Therefore, when they asked for two things, it’s okay to just give them one.  So how do we nudge him to choose the bicycle?

From the reading of Dan Ariely, which I recalled after the negotiation with my son stalled, I chose the technique called introducing the decoy. 

A decoy is an option thrown in to nudge the person of interest into choosing the item we prefer them to choose. It is paternalism, I admit, but a useful one.

Usually, it’s better if the decoy is an inferior but similar to our preferred choice.  For example, if we want someone to choose a Mercedes instead of a BMW, you should bring a similar Mercedes without leather seats, or something missing such as rear sensors or broken head lights.  Ariely calls this – Mercedes (pronounced, Mercedes minus).

Why?  Because we usually don’t know the value of things without other things to compare them with.  Yet, when we compare BMW and Mercedes, even though both are cars, we find them difficult to compare, because, they are not the same.  But when we introduce another Mercedes, an inferior version, a decoy, we are able to infer the value of the first Mercedes, we then therefore choose that one and ignore the BMW.

So how did I apply this with my son?  I introduced another bicycle (a bicycle minus).  So instead of two options, he now had three:

A tablet

A big-boy bicycle

A little-girl bicycle

Why a little-girl bicycle?  Well, as a big brother, he always wants to show that he’s more knowledgeable, stronger, wiser – in other words, better than his sister.  So the little-girl bicycle is the decoy, bicycle minus.  When we presented the options to him this time, he chose the big-boy bicycle, but not before I pointed out to him that what he would do on a tablet, he’s already doing on his mother’s phone.

Re: abstraction

A long time reader of this column, Dr. Muktar A. Gadanya (MFR), pointed out my ignorance in medicine last week in the discussion of abstraction; and I want you to also note the correction: “Ibraheem, beautiful write-up, as usual.  Just that I noticed the inaccuracy of abstraction   from your piece.  Medically, AS are the healthiest, followed by AA, and then SS (who are nearly always sick). This is due to what we call balanced polymorphism, as AS have fewer and less severe episodes of Malaria. The S gene evolved and thrived just for that advantage; but too much of anything (as in SS) is usually bad. Regards.”

PS: I’ve put some of these tips into a book, “Manipulating the Little Manipulators” and you can download it for free from my blog: www.IbraheemDooba.com.  In the book, I included other tips that are yet to be published here.  Including the “First Mover Advantage” and how the Sultan of Morocco used that to get United States to enter into the longest standing partnership with a foreign country.  My mother also used this to get me to eat more as a child.  The book also included one of Robert Greene’s laws of power and how I used it to get my son out of bed instead of tempting his mother to drag him out everyday.