Coping with an angry husband

Many husbands and their wives are not living happily in our society today because of anger. Some husbands do not see anything good in their wives and are always angry and shouting at them unnecessarily.Some married women also have the spirit of anger in them but a greater percentage of men is estimated to have […]

Many husbands and their wives are not living happily in our society today because of anger. Some husbands do not see anything good in their wives and are always angry and shouting at them unnecessarily.
Some married women also have the spirit of anger in them but a greater percentage of men is estimated to have developed the habit than the women. While some men do it to be respected and considered supreme in their families, others do it to scare their wives and get the chance to go out and commit adultery, robbery and other social vices without any say or hindrance by their wives.
Many women in our society today are victims of their husbands’ unnecessary resentment and while some have become stooges and slaves in the hands of their husbands, others have resorted to parting ways due to the suffering and pains they can no longer bear.
However, victims of this resentment can never be completely blamed for whatever decision they take  bearing the anger or resorting to divorce because one is likely to devalue those who incur one’s resentment. Even if it is done intra-personally without acting it out, the negativity will almost certainly be communicated in a close relationship and this kind of treatment depresses women.
Women who live with angry husbands always feel depressed, loss sense of belonging, feel rejected, have psychological trauma, afraid of making contributions on family issues among others. This does not in any way, augur well for the union as expected results suffer set back due to lack of peace. In an angry mood, some husbands even consider their wives as their personal enemies and a thorn in their flesh.
But it is important to see a partner not as an enemy or an opponent but as someone who should be of value and great asset to achieving a formidable landmark of development in the family.
However, the anger or resentment of some husbands against their wives actually stems from the attitude of their wives some of whom are deep in adultery, lying, stealing, making derogatory comments against their husbands, insulting people, not cooking as and when due for the family among others.
Ladan Shehu Umar, a civil servant said: “The most compassionate thing for a person to do is to insist that he or she treats you with the value and respect you deserve if you are to stay in the marital relationship.  One is most humane when you model compassion and insist that your partner do the same. Call a truce and agree to drop the conflict immediately so you can do what you have to do.”
He said some people especially the poor are angry because of poverty and warned that in such a situation, women should learn to appreciate whatever contribution their husbands make financially, materially or otherwise rather than destructive criticism noting that appreciation is key to improving the husband’s situation and controlling the level of his anger.
“Disturbing your husband to buy a car or build a house when the resources are not there will only deepen his frustration and anger. But if you become a wellspring of appreciation for the work that he does and the living he provides, you will lift some of the pressure from his life,” he said.
Umar also said that appreciation for what a husband is doing in the family makes him to have a sense of good family relationship especially with the wife and keeps him moving in the same direction arguing that without appreciation, even wealthy men are bound to be angry with their spouses and other family members.
However, Mr. Isaac Apinega,  a secondary school teacher, argued that the only way his wife can take away his anger is to give him due respect in words and actions both in his presence and absence and to promote discipline and positive moral virtues in the family in accordance with the provisions of the scriptures. He said he is particularly against any form of indiscipline – adultery, insult, disrespect and falsehood.
He said he is also in the class of the angry husbands but can only be calmed if his wife apologises and promises not to repeat same next time. He maintained that apology is one of the weapons a woman can use against her husband’s anger pointing out that what exacerbate the situation is actually when a woman lacks the moral standing and humility to apologise for any wrong act.
 Apinega who said it is good for women to understand their husbands’ norms and values also stated that any man who does not listen to his wife’s apology and forgive her is rather a wicked person that needs to have a rethink and change of attitude.
It is however, imperative to state that change doesn’t take place overnight. It may take your husband weeks, months or even years to fully heal from the causes and results of anger in his life. Anger has caused many people what they can never recover in their lives. Some have lost lucrative jobs as a result of anger, some have lost their wives while others have even died as a result of anger.
Experts have argued that if a man’s anger gets him into trouble his wife should not support  it noting that doing so would never stop his anger. It is only when he faces the consequences of his misbehavior that he will begin to see that he is supposed to make changes in the way he behaved.
Aina Linda Adekunle, a nurse, strongly argued that sexual drive is the most powerful weapon capable of quenching the fire burnt by some husbands.  She  called on women not to “put fire into fire” by making provocative comments when their husbands are angry.
“If a woman’s husband is expressing anger that is hurting her in some ways, she may be tempted not to give him love or allow him the opportunity to have intercourse with her but this should not be, to me, it is wrong. Sex is another medicine for some husband’s anger,” she said.
She said women should also learn how to admit the truth or confess what they have done wrong at appropriate times stating that telling lies can cause anger in most circumstances. She also said it is not good for a woman to be angry in response to her husband’s anger explaining that being quiet can in most cases help matters.
Aina however, submitted that if a woman is always trying to do the right thing and the husband is still making her life miserable unnecessarily, she should not be afraid of taking an expensive decision of divorcing the man as frequent anger and insult cannot help her in the relationship but may lead her to death someday.
What could be learnt from anger is that it does not do any good for anyone in the family and therefore should be nipped in the bud.  It is pertinent to state categorically that overcoming the challenge of husbands’ anger is key to sustaining  the family.
Thus appreciating a man when necessary,  sitting on the fence when he is provoked, not bringing unnecessary issues at the wrong time, and advising him accordingly are some of the ways of overcoming his resentment.  Others include; avoiding destructive criticism, trying to be his best friend always, avoiding promiscuity, being social and playing in words and action with him among others.