Coping with your in-laws’ drama

Madam X (not real name) is a wife who’s also a working class mum of two. She shared her experience of what she’s facing from her sister-in-law who lives with her family. She said: “She virtually does nothing in the house. I do all the washing, cooking, cleaning and sometimes fetching of water. Then she’d […]

Madam X (not real name) is a wife who’s also a working class mum of two. She shared her experience of what she’s facing from her sister-in-law who lives with her family. She said: “She virtually does nothing in the house. I do all the washing, cooking, cleaning and sometimes fetching of water. Then she’d use the water, too. She’s got a job and was transferred, so she ended up staying with us. Even when my husband helps me with some chores on weekends, she’d sit and watch, or even doze off. To add to all that drama, she now chooses what to eat, saying she cannot eat some of the food I prepare.” So Madam X asked a question: “Whenever I cook something she doesn’t fancy, should I cook a separate meal or soup for her?”
In answer, Mrs. Adaobi Ani, a mother of three, furiously asked: “Cook what? How can she even think about cooking a separate meal for her? I suggest she tells her husband she cannot continue to be a slave to his sister and if she will be a burden, then it will be in everyone’s best interest for her to move to her own place.”
Anne Nwanne  Odiwanor feels the sister-in-law is being a pest. “Madam X shouldn’t be thinking of ways to please her. The girl should assist with house chores and I feel she’s behaving the way she is because she’s been allowed. If you ask her to do some of these things and she refuses, then you take action. But for now, she could argue that you never gave her specific instructions. It’s certainly not fair for a separate meal to be cooked for her. She can help herself. Besides, she’s a woman.” Even more respondents said they blame Madam X.
Ruth Ogochukwu Anne said her motto is ‘don’t start what you cannot finish’ and she feels Madam X went too far to please her husband’s sister.
There are different strokes for different people, and Oluwafunsho Olabisi said she believes every action deserves an appropriate reaction. “Why bother yourself with a sister-in-law who has a job but lives with you and does not want to eat food you’ve prepared? If she is staying in my house, she has to go by my rules. If she can’t, then she should as well get a place of her own. I can’t have my home divided because I want to respect a sister-in-law who does not respect me.”
Precious Bassey feels there is a level of nonsense one can tolerate as a wife. “Definitely not this one, it’s just plain rudeness and ingratitude. Being a wife does not mean you do not have the right to ask her to help out with some of the chores.” She also said she always advises newlyweds that it should be a standing rule in their homes that everyone eats the same meal. “Anyone who rejects what is cooked should wait for the next meal,” she added.
But Seyi AjiboyeTolulope believes that giving the sister-in-law the chance to cook her own meals is a recipe for disaster. “Since her brother, your husband, enjoys the meals, she has no right to refuse. Madam X should draw her hubby’s attention to the situation. If she starts to cook her own food in your kitchen, trust me you cannot bear it. We are women and do not have the patience to watch someone take over our kitchen.”
Halima Ahmed, however, has a different opinion. “If she wants to eat something else, let her get into the kitchen and prepare it herself. It’s her brother buying the food and not me. As long as when it’s finished he will restock, she is free to cook whatever. As long as she sticks to what her brother provided, I have no problem. As for the work part, I really will not bother myself about that because I am a woman and have hands. She is a woman and will surely be faced with reality in future.”
One of the few who feel there is nothing wrong with cooking separate meals for in-laws, Cynthia Ukoh, says Madam X should keep on treating her special so that she will be loved by the family. “It is not easy, but with God’s guidance, you will overcome it. She will get married, too, and whatever she sows she will reap. Meanwhile she should be advised and talked to, maybe she had no training regarding that, especially if she is the last born of the family.  If after the pep talk she still refuses to help out, just ignore her.”
Suggestions and opinions vary, but there is a need to understand that family is family and the bond between siblings shouldn’t be broken or even weakened by wives. As hard and painful as it is, Madam X’s sister-in-law should be called aside. Let her know it does not speak well of a woman to avoid helping with household chores. She should feel free to live with you, but she should understand that she is in your home and has to help when needed. There should be mutual respect between the two of you and once you let her see things from your point of view, she’s sure to have a change of attitude. On the other hand, wives should try as much as possible not to use in-laws as maids, as some have been known to go to extremes.