Counting the costs of running Nigeria
Forget the prophets of doom; Nigeria’s future is bright. Today’s Amoses make their divinations by looking at the entrails of their slaughtered animals – arcane objects of divination. Today’s seers ask Google. Happy are those from whose future Muhammadu Buhari has no role. Eight years of bumbling is enough for any people. Nigerians hope that […]
Forget the prophets of doom; Nigeria’s future is bright. Today’s Amoses make their divinations by looking at the entrails of their slaughtered animals – arcane objects of divination. Today’s seers ask Google. Happy are those from whose future Muhammadu Buhari has no role. Eight years of bumbling is enough for any people. Nigerians hope that Buhari’s next historic assignment would be to hand over to whomever the people choose to succeed him come 2023. Looking at the exchange rate of the Naira to foreign currencies; that should be a brilliant prospect. The only redeemable promise Nigerians hope to take Buhari on is not to interfere in the choice of whom Nigerians anoint as his successor. He has broken every other promise with pomp and fanfare.
A look at the crystal ball shows that two of those hoping to succeed him are within his estimated age brackets. In the political calendar, that is a guessing game in which whatever the contestant declares should not be questioned. One of those contestants has confessed to losing his birth certificate. Sharing Buhari’s party membership, it is safe to say that the apple does not fall far from its tree.
Buhari gave up on tracing his birthdate and his credentials. For all anyone cares, moths or termites could have eaten them. His last contact with them was when he submitted them to whoever was heading the army records for safekeeping. The moment Buhari declared war against corruption, humans lost their penchant for stealing public funds. They relinquished that power to animals. Only gorillas, snakes and monkeys are permitted to loot with impunity. To their credit, they have swallowed more money than Buhari needs to settle the Academic Staff Union of Universities, ASUU and bring back the glow to the ivory tower. Frankly, who needs universities when the worst among us are the excellences, distinguished and honourables?
Before being elected, Buhari had challenged a young reporter to a 3-kilometer race. Afraid he might be might end his career with a manslaughter charge hanging on his bio, the reporter backed out of the challenge. It was a deft move because no sooner had Buhari picked the keys to 12 presidential jets than he dropped his track spikes as an experienced marathoner for a close abode with his London doctor.
Buhari’s APC anointed successor; Bola Ahmed Tinubu does not consider himself old for the job. After all, he recently declared to the consternation of his deputy, Kashim Shettima that he is only a few months older than 70-year-old Bishop Hassan Kukah. He left the birthday hall before Kukah could have challenged him to the Tiv swange dance moves. Tinubu only dances to shekere that does not require down-to-earth moves. A swange contest could have jeopardised the presidential candidate’s brand new ‘Made in France’ knees.
Since Babangida launched the movement in Nigeria with his treatment of radiculopathy, getting knees replaced has become a fad among Nigerian politicians. Vice President Yemi Osinbajo, who failed to scuttle the ambition of Tinubu, his mentor at the primaries found a local surgeon to work on his knees in Nigeria. That should be counted to him as patriotism.
Tinubu’s wicked opponents say he needs to do more than knee replacement surgery. They claim to have witnessed him fall a few times as if the political grounds are not slippery enough since the late Chuba Okadigbo discovered banana peels at the National Assembly. They worry that even after winning the party’s flag, he was too tired to hold the flag without help from many party Aarons. They alleged that his hosts are coached to lead him by the hand at functions forgetting that’s just a sign of love and loyalty.
It might take time for new knees to set on tired tissue but memories are a different ball game. Once they start disappearing, science has not found an easy way to reset them. Not even with gene therapy. Buhari must pray that the few goofs and gaffs of his party choice are not signs of the same dementia that wailers claim ails him without a shred of evidence other than the fact that the president answers questions wrongly. Nobody said Buhari was an ‘A’ student in school.
These wailing quack doctors claim that the president has dementia. His admirers respond with the defence that sound health is a gift from above. Anyone doubting their stance would have to go to heaven to counter them. History has not recorded too many people who have made that journey.
Atiku Abubakar, the five-time presidential wannabe has kept an athletic health record in his file. He has appeared in tracksuits, gyms and trunks than any presidential flag bearer including younger Peter Obi. We are to take that as a sign of a man who likes to stay healthy. He also has verifiable school and age credentials.
The snag for Atiku is the shadows from his immediate and distant past. As Olusegun Obasanjo’s deputy, Atiku is hiding from the charges contained in Obasanjo’s memoirs. For now, Atiku is concentrating on bringing back the prodigals who strayed from the fold. He recently brought back Ibrahim Shekarau from the NNPP. Atiku’s nemesis is Nyesom Wike, the man he beat to second place at the party primaries.
Wike is an entitled sore loser who aimed for the moon in the hope of bringing down a star but watched his arrow return without accomplishing hitting a target. Wike seems aligned with Atiku’s enemies throwing shades at him with every opportunity. He also wants the head of Iyorchia Ayu as a trophy. Ayu has kept his helmet tight on his head.
Peter Obi, the last peg of the troika aiming to take the keys of Aso Rock from Muhammadu Buhari loves to count his personal effects. He has only one wristwatch although photographs have appeared that he might be borrowing his wife’s chronometer to spice up his fashion sense. Unlike Goodluck Jonathan the man who was born without shoes, Obi has two black ones. Any other shoe on his foot must have come from his recent foreign trips. His friends abroad have been charging gate fees for those eager to see him. It is worth mentioning that Nigerians abroad love to pamper their guests before shoes of a different colour show up in the media.
Accurate counting is important to the upcoming elections. Ability to count one’s property might help count the cost of running a better Nigeria. This is something both the PDP and APC have failed at. Nigerians need to know how much their next president inherits in local and foreign debts. Buhari’s enemies claim it’s over $40 billion and that Buhari has not stopped borrowing. At that rate, blessed are the inheritors of the Aso Rock keys; they shall have more accounting to do than shoes and wristwatches.
Those who could not account for their age, their certificates or the status of their health might be going there to kill national joy. What’s more, they might be unable to account for twelve two-thirds of 36 states.