Curtailing verbal violence in relationships

Violence against women is a major issue. Wife battering is one issue that has made major news headlines. The trend now has shifted from battering to verbal violence. We hear stories of how some husbands tongue lash their wives at home or in public. “I have a husband who is verbally abusive. There are no […]

Violence against women is a major issue. Wife battering is one issue that has made major news headlines. The trend now has shifted from battering to verbal violence. We hear stories of how some husbands tongue lash their wives at home or in public.
“I have a husband who is verbally abusive. There are no limits to the names he calls me. He calls me a fool, useless, dumb and worthless. His frequent use of negative words on me is breaking me emotionally and I think I am getting to a point where I might lose my patience. How do I handle such as a man?” Biola, not real name, asks.
Sarah Mathew, a 32-year-old publicist says: “Really, there is only so much one can take as a wife. African culture will cover it up and say he is the head of the house and so a wife should let it be. But I ask how long can a woman put up with such negative comments from a man she calls a husband? Men like that only have power over their wives as they cannot do such a thing with any other woman. I give her part of the blame because it is how you put yourself for a man that will determine how he treats you.”
Aisha Suleiman, a 36-year-old secretary suggests that certain measures have to be put in place to curtail the excesses of an abusive partner: “Many people will suggest prayers; there are certain things that need to be handled objectively before prayers can be applied. The only thing that can stop a physically or emotionally abusive person would be to stand up to them. Such people are just like bullies and hate challenges. You need to let him know that you are his wife and not a doormat that he can always throw insults at. If you keep quiet and ignore him, it will never stop. You need to have the guts to tell him what his insults do to you emotionally and physically. Let women know that men don’t like women who are doormats; they want women who sometimes stand up for their rights. Tell him the bitter truth that he is hurting you. Only after that can you resort to prayers if he doesn’t change.”
Hindatu Ismaila, 35, on the other hand, objects confrontation or any manner of standing up against her husband in such instances: “In this instance people will be quick to suggest she stands up to him, to fight for her right. I know of a lady that stood up against her husband after listening to advice from people and he almost killed her. You don’t stand up to a man that doesn’t have value or respect for a woman. You can only stand up to a man who hasn’t graduated to beating or who easily feels remorseful at his faults. The best solution to such men is silence, it hurts more when a woman is mute than act on a thing immediately. I believe silence to his negative words will make you think of more constructive ways to point out his faults. There is no strong man on earth that cannot be broken. It depends on how you approach the problem. The heart of a man is not a stone it can be softened with the right approach and care.”
Shukurat Raji, a 36-year-old marketer believes sarcasm is the best way to handle such a partner: “Simple: if he calls you names just attach his name there stylishly but jokingly without remorse or bad feelings and see how soon it will stop. For instance, if he calls you a ‘foolish woman’ just say, ‘husband of a foolish woman,’ ‘useless wife’ – ‘husband of a useless wife’ etc. My dear when he insults you useless tell him you are both useless that is why he married you so we could be useless together. Then laugh and sing ‘me and my husband useless o;’ as you are singing make sure your one leg is close to the door. I know it is not easy to ignore such a thing but please try. Always note down those bad words and send him a text with the opposite.
Some men also gave their opinion on the issue. Hassan Adamu, a 40-year-old civil servant says: “Women tend to hide their bad side during courtship only to show it after marriage. There must be certain things that she is doing that are not right, no right thinking husband will enjoy insulting his wife unnecessarily. She should just make sure that she does not respond to any of his insults if she wants peace for herself and the family.”
Marriage counsellor, Pastor Mrs. Chika Emmanuel, says: “There is nothing you can do to such people; you managed him during courtship so you must manage him in marriage. When a child uses his hand to insult someone ‘uwaka,’ what do you do? You tap the hand telling him it is bad, right? Do the same to his mouth and smile telling him that “honey that is bad for moral instruction for the kids;” with time he will start reducing and eventually stop it.
Hajiya Maryam Abdullahi, another marriage counsellor, advises that women who have verbally abusive husbands should not let it weigh them down: “This is one of the many challenges and different emotional cracks women face in the name of marriage. Never have low self-esteem as a result of his words on you. When weak men are frustrated, they transfer the aggression on wives.
“It is not going to be easy to ignore him, but don’t pay attention to his insults, rather take it as a challenge to be a better person. When you have high self-esteem, no matter the name he calls you, you will always be happy. If you cannot ignore him then I suggest you sit him down when he is in a good mood and talk to him about it. Let him know it hurts you when he uses such words on you. Let him know you are together for life and such insults will do no good to the family and the kids. Be a good woman, no two wrongs can make a right. When it comes to this aspect of marriage no couple is perfect. Most importantly, let him know that morals in the family are important for your kids’ sake, if not they will see it as the norm and grow up with it in mind.”