‘Dad wants to support me in return for sex’

Absentee fathers are not something new, and in many cases, it is a good reunion when they return. For Mary Joseph (not real name), it was good when at age 11, her father resurfaced. However, it all turned sour by the time she turned 17 when his sexual demands became the only key to his […]

Absentee fathers are not something new, and in many cases, it is a good reunion when they return. For Mary Joseph (not real name), it was good when at age 11, her father resurfaced. However, it all turned sour by the time she turned 17 when his sexual demands became the only key to his caring for her basic needs.

For two years, since she turned 17, Mary Joseph now 19, has had to tolerate sexual advances from her father.

It started shortly after she graduated from secondary school and his demand to see her increased.

She said, “He began touching me inappropriately and kissing me when we’re alone. As soon as I start acting uncomfortably, he tries to defend his actions saying that it is nothing and that this is something that happens everywhere.

“He once showed me a video of a father and daughter having intercourse. He says I am ungrateful, after all he has done for me and that can’t I give him anything back. Whenever I ask him for something, he would ask me what can I give him in return.”

Also, when Mary makes a request, “he sometimes makes me go to his bedroom and tells me to stay the night. I get so confused. He asks me whether he’s a monster that I don’t want to stay where he is and I don’t even know whether to say yes or no.”

Her persistent refusal led him to start blackmailing her with threats to cut her off financially, if she still refuses to sleep with him.

Having to keep her secret closely guarded for two years, she has now decided that it’s time to wake up from her nightmare, and voice her plight on what she has had to endure before it came to this.

There seems to be a recurring trend, with 19 cases of incest with fathers sexually molesting their daughters across Nigeria, a majority of which are minors (below the age of 18).

In October, 2018, the media was agog with reports of Michael Igbaniba in Lagos, who had been blackmailing his 15-year-old daughter to sleep with him before paying her school fees.

For two years, beginning when she was 13 years, his blackmail worked, but his day of reckoning came when she found her voice and reported the matter to the police.

Although Igbaniba has since been arrested and is in custody, the 15-year-old got pregnant and had to have an abortion aided by her father.

Another case, is that of one Segun Durojaiye in Lagos who raped his daughter from when she was 16-year-old daughter for four years. She aborted three pregnancies over the span of the abuse. As at the time of the case, he was imprisoned and given bail of N1 million each from two sureties.

The list of such cases goes on.

The experience is one that Mary lacks words to describe. But the one thing she can say it that leaves her felling angry. “It messed with my head, extremely,” a clearly tormented Mary said.

“I don’t know what to make of it. Up till now, I sometimes feel like I’m having a nightmare and I’ll wake up from it. I didn’t want it to be real, that my own father wanted this from me. I’m always angry, I hate the world. Sometimes I unleash the anger on my mum,” she added.

Although Mary told her mother about her father’s advances shortly after they started, nothing was done. “She is scared of doing anything,” for fear of father carrying out his threat.

Mary said, “She keeps saying I should act like a fool about it all so that I can finish my education. But I am tired of trying. I can’t anymore. It’s depressing.

“My mum isn’t really rich or anything, so there’s only so much she can do for me.

“He pays for my school fees, my accommodation and everything else. He also pays for everything I need, while I’m in school like pocket money for food, transport and other fees. He also tells me he only buys things for my siblings because of me so that I would agree to what he wants from me. He also sends my mum money which she uses to take care of my younger siblings and I.”

Dr. Michael Amedu, a consultant psychiatrist at the Federal Medical Centre, Makurdi, spoke on the mental health implications of such an experience on girls who suffer such sinister advances and abuse.

He said, “You can look at it from various ramifications. There are several contexts to this. The effect of sexual harassment can leave a lot of emotional scars while she continues to grow. In addition, depending on the psychological impact, it may affect her other facets of life like social relationships, academia, work and the likes.

“She may be harbouring the burden in her so issues of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), anxiety disorders and phobias with time like social phobia, phobia for sex and even frigidity in any sexual relationship may begin to develop and show.”

Some of the manifestations of her father’s untoward proposal and threats are her feeling of hopelessness, distancing herself from her family and friends, unhappiness, among others as she boxes it all in. Most worrisome for her is her nosediving school performance.

With stern warnings not to tell anyone about it and the lack of support from her mother who “doesn’t know how much it affects me,” Mary has had to deal with her ordeal alone.

“My mother just thinks that since he hasn’t slept with me yet, it is okay or tolerable. She doesn’t understand. I’ve been trying to make her understand, but she just doesn’t.”

Dr. Amedu said it is typical for such propositions to come with threats. He attributed the reason victims feel extremely reluctant to speak out, on the intimidating nature of many adults in the society.

He said, “The victim tends to feel afraid of talking to anybody about it, suffering in isolation for very long periods. Oftentimes, the society does not help matters because children may have relationships with other adults who don’t encourage them to speak out.”

According to him, most children, adult relationship are often domineering and threatening. Therefore, the sense of safety and security is lost and confined in other places.

The victim resorting to drug abuse is one of the ripple effects of this situation.

Amedu said, “They resort to drugs to escape in a form of a high until it’s over. After a time, they become dependent on it because when they don’t use them, they experience periods of emotional lows.”

He added that in cases where the drug is administered using needles, due to recklessness, the same needle may be used by several different people, exposing them to health issues such as HIV and Hepatitis.

Barr. Huwaila Muhammad Ibrahim, Chairperson, International Federation of Women Lawyers (FIDA), Kano Chapter, spoke on the legal side of such sexual harassments.

“Sexual harassment is an Act of Gross Indecency in accordance to Section 285 of the Penal Code which states that, ‘Whoever commits an act of gross indecency upon the person of another without his consent or by the use of force or threats compels a person to join with him in the commission if such act, shall be punished with an imprisonment for a term which may extend to seven years and shall also liable to a fine.’

“The first thing that needs to be done is for the victim to be removed from such an environment before the appropriate measures can be taken. There are many organizations, including FIDA, that specialize in helping in such cases.”

While Mary contends with keeping her father at bay and limits their meetings to only extremely important matters, she has growing fears of what could happen to her if he found out she has let the cat out of the bag.