Dancing python

You must be on your way to New York now. I am happy for you really. If you ask me dear, I think you are making the best decision to fly out for the better part of one week at a time when the country burns. There is a curfew in Jos. There are tensions […]

You must be on your way to New York now. I am happy for you really. If you ask me dear, I think you are making the best decision to fly out for the better part of one week at a time when the country burns. There is a curfew in Jos. There are tensions in Abia State spreading all over the country. Your beautiful dancing python is making a lot of people uneasy. Everyone wants a piece of you now and I just think that if you don’t pass everything to your deputy and go away for a while you may fall ill again. 

People don’t appreciate you. They do horrible things like blame you for the excesses of the Nigerian army. They even say things like your declaring that those who gave you only 5 per cent of the vote in 2015 should not expect to be treated equally. How is saying those words the same as discrimination? They are only words and the last time I checked words don’t make people bleed. 

Darling the courts have asked that INEC continues the recall process of the dancing Senator of the House of Cars. You know what I would do if I were him? I would show up at the voting units during the recall vote with all of my ten cars and motorcycles, wearing my biker gear, revving all the engines loudly at the same time just so they see what they are about to miss. Maybe then some will change their minds about recalling him as senator. 

Hmmm, so I listened to that leaked phone call between your cousin and that other guy from Sahara Reporters. Why are they calling your first wife “suicide bomber”? Should I be worried? Or darling did you just put that out so that I shouldn’t come to your house anymore? I hope not. Because you know I am not afraid of her. You are the person I care about. No suicide bomber fashioned against me shall prosper. But if it is not you, I really think you should get to the bottom of things and know why they call her that. We don’t want any rude surprises. 

I know that because of your large heart and because of the fact that you are not a bigot you might be feeling bad about the secessionist agitation in the South East. You might be beating yourself up asking where you went wrong or how best to solve this situation without any more civilians getting hurt or punishing a region. You might be thinking: the South East deserves everything that the rest of the country has. I understand. The truth is that I think you have done everything you can. It is not your fault that the South East has been largely abandoned by the Federal Government or that the state governors are largely useless in giving their citizens a good life. I don’t think you should worry too much as you enjoy your time in New York. Nnamdi Kanu is a result of many things, none of which are your fault. Drink your tea in peace and let Osinbajo attend the long peace meetings. That is after all why you have a deputy. 

So I see you didn’t fire Mama Taraba. My dear, I have no comments. I support you in everything you do, unlike some other people. But just be careful about those who rushed to support you in this matter especially some small governors. Not every enemy of your enemy is your friend. Some people are only loyal when it makes them look good.  Me I am loyal all the time. See how I waited for you when you were in London. I did not leak any memos to make it look like I was criticising you, just in case you wouldn’t come back. I stayed by your side believing you would get better. One who leaks memos they sent to you cannot be trusted. Typical Nigerian men. They will have one drink with you and tell the whole world you had an affair. 

Also, darling, be careful who you call these days o. Now that every phone call is being leaked. I don’t want our private business out in the open. 

Finally, I must say even though I love your python and all, it might not be the best to roll out tanks in the South East as a way of fighting calls for secession. Maybe we send them flowers or tankers full of fura da nono just to see what they will miss if they secede. By the time they realise they will be using forex to buy kilishi and fura, they will change their minds. 

PS. Dear, my weekly reminder: The Shiite man whose children and followers we massacred and buried in mass graves. I think it is time to release him. Please think of it. We have hurt the man enough. Let us release him and his wife. It is only fair. 

Yours forever