‘DANGER’, ONE LETTER LONGER THAN ‘ANGER’

Last week began with “Many Killed At PDP Port Harcourt Presidential Campaign Rally!” and culminated with “Ten Persons Killed By Bomb Blast At Suleja PDP Rally!” Many Nigerians who know the PDP are not surprised. This is a party that had become, over the years, a sophisticated killing machine. In fact, the sub-title of the […]

Last week began with “Many Killed At PDP Port Harcourt Presidential Campaign Rally!” and culminated with “Ten Persons Killed By Bomb Blast At Suleja PDP Rally!” Many Nigerians who know the PDP are not surprised. This is a party that had become, over the years, a sophisticated killing machine. In fact, the sub-title of the PDP, to remind those who have forgotten, is Power, pronounced ’Fawa’ by Hausa-speakers who abhor the ‘P’ sound. ‘Fawa’, the Hausa word, means butchery: knife, blood, death, gore, abattoir, entrails, do-or-die.

Do-Or-Die? Closely following the above headlines in prominence was the one that screamed “Former President Repeats ‘Do-Or-Die’ Mantra”. Obasanjo is back in the trenches; that the PDP must win at all cost. As at press time, the report had not been denied, and so, Do-or-Die, coined and made part of the national political discourse four years ago by no less a person than the then president himself, is back.

For reminders, almost exactly four years ago in Jos, while introducing then Presidential Candidate, late Yar’Adua, Obasanjo repeated Do-Or-Die ad infinitum. At the rally, he was busy throwing heavy punches whenever he screamed ‘PDP!!!’ His audience, Hausa-speakers all, would all scream back at him ‘FAWA!!!’ Though it was on television that I was then watching the spectacle, I ducked whenever he threw those punches my way and the audience intoned ‘Fawa!’ One can’t be too careful. I better ‘do’ than ‘die’.

So it is no surprise that yesterday’s headlines included “PDP Ogun Nominations: Former President Obasanjo Floors Governor Daniel In Court Again”. Though Ogun Governor is also PDP and may deserve no pity, anyone fighting Obasanjo needs sympathy. When it was apparent that the former First Daughter, Iyabo (she of the Federal Ministry of unHealthy matters) had failed to ‘Fawafully’ win her Senatorial Primaries, her loving and doting father wore his armour and re-entered the battlefield. Hence Daniel got his Lion. And it seems he has been devoured.

And to drive home the cohesion, or lack of it, within the PDP top hierarchy, another recent headline says “PDP FCT Minister To PDP Bauchi Governor: ‘You Are On Your Own’”! Meaning only one thing: Bauchi State is for the taking if the opposition can put their act together!

So it came as no surprise that one other interesting headline during the week said “Ex-Convict Bode George Sighted At PDP Lagos Presidential Campaign Rally.” Perhaps before the end of this campaign period, we may be lucky to sight former IGP Tafa Balogun or even former Oceanic Bank CEO Cecilia Ibru at one of these rallies. After all, according to the PDP law of plea-bargain, stealing billions would amount to a pat on the wrist; forfeiture of some Dubai assets, six months of luxurious absence from home, and a welcome back to the fold.

But perhaps the most entertaining headline during the week was “PDP Top Gun Says No Igbo President Any Time Soon”, credited to Presidential Adviser Abba-Aji. The stories indicated that the Adviser had logically predicted that, with a Jonathan Presidency from 2011 to 2015, ‘FAWA’ would naturally rotate back to the North to conclude Yar’adua’s ‘Second Term’, and Abba-Aji was said to have allocated the 2015 slot to incumbent Vice President Muhammad Namadi Sambo. Now, if one calculates that, by 2015 the South would have been president for thirteen years (1999 to 2015 less three Yar’Adua years), Sambo would naturally want to conclude the ‘Northern balance’. So the earliest the Igbos could smell Aso Rock may be 2023!

The Igbos were outraged! They called for Abba-Aji to be axed. And what does an axe do but to ‘fawafully’ cut someone’s head? (Never mind the fact that Igbos had done themselves in as all their governors and their leading regional political party APGA have fully endorsed Jonathan; and never mind the fact that no leading political party had nominated any prominent Igbo as even a Vice Presidential Candidate). Even the President, through his spokesman Ima Niboro, had distanced himself from Abba-Aji.

The same Abba-Aji had entertained the nation only a few hours shy of the Igbo 2023 calculus by the howler “Presidential Adviser Says President Will Not Sign FoI Bill”; FoI being the much-awaited Freedom of Information Bill earlier passed by the House of Representatives and now before the Senate. To be fair, Abba-Aji was to deny, towards the end of the week, that he ever said any of the above: neither the Igbo Aso Rock Smell, nor the FoI Bill non-signing. We give to Abba-Aji the title ‘PDP Headline Catcher of the Week’, doing or dying.

But to help Abba-Aji’s cause, another interesting headline on the same FoI bill said “Senate President Promises To Pass FoI Bill, ‘But Will Water It Down’, telling the nation that the PDP-majority Senate may weaken (what is ‘water down’?) the Bill as to make it an ineffective law. Plea bargain. David Mark (‘Telephone is Not for the Masses’?) cited certain national security issues.

Three related PDP-inspired headlines during the week were “Niger State PDP Government Denies CPC Campaign Rally Venue”; “Benue State PDP Government Denies ACN Campaign Rally Venue”; and “Ebonyi State PDP Government Denies ANPP Campaign Rally Venue”. What Symmetry! What Omen! What an opportunity for these three leading opposition parties, CPC, ACN and ANPP, to see the clear writing on the wall that the PDP is actually actively goading them to UNITE and PUSH it out, powerfully.

Calls to question, doesn’t it, the intellectual capacity of these PDP guys. Similar headlines during the week included “President Jonathan Balks At Presidential Debate” and “Abia PDP Governor Theo Orji Storms Out Of Guber Debate”. What should Jonathan be afraid of in a debate? After all, is he not a PhD? How did he do his viva voce? How can a PhD fear debating his intellectual minnows who may not have more than a Master’s Degree, a Bachelor’s Degree, or a Military Qualification? Over in Abia, Governor Orji, it was reported, stormed out of the venue of a debate organised by the Catholic Church in Umuahia, citing ‘hostile environment’.

Still on the intellectual front, even the Bretton Woods institutions seem to know that our PDP government is a little shallow. A headline said “IMF Tells PDP Federal Government To Devalue The Naira” and, when the Government rejected the suggestion, the headline changed to “IMF Says It Only Said ‘Naira Is Overvalued’! (The difference between the thigh and the hind leg or, as the Hausa would say, ‘Ba Cinya Ba Kafar Baya!’)

And now for the mother of all headlines: “PDP Nominee for Ambassador Can’t Recite National Anthem”. (Now, please! National Anthem and National Pledge!) And the reports said the nominee was cued and prompted three times, yet she couldn’t even recite the first stanza. (No wonder, then, that my wife, who has some personal ambitions, has made the National Pledge her ringtone! Now I see the light! She has been telling me, ‘When you become something, I must become someone!’). National Ambition! (Which, apparently sadly, the opposition parties don’t seem to have!)