Dangers of over praising your children

This kind of parents can be called “praise-aholic parents”. They believe they must constantly praise their children for them to turn out good. They celebrate every accomplishment no matter how little and even concentrate on praising while ignoring wrong things done by the children.  With such parents it is common to hear them say ‘Good […]

This kind of parents can be called “praise-aholic parents”. They believe they must constantly praise their children for them to turn out good. They celebrate every accomplishment no matter how little and even concentrate on praising while ignoring wrong things done by the children.  
With such parents it is common to hear them say ‘Good job’, ‘intelligent boy’, ‘you are so smart,’ ‘you are looking very neat,’ ‘perfect work’, ‘you have done very well’ and all manner of accolades and acknowledgements on everything their children do even when they know the person has not done it properly.
There is no harm in praising your children every now and then as it has several advantages: it helps in boosting their self esteem, can improve their behavior and motivate or encourage them to do better, it also motivates children to learn, stretches persistence and boosts resilience, just to mention a few but too much praise on the other hand has negative effects as several research has shown.
A lot of new research has shown that too much praise decrease children’s self esteem, motivation, effort, and achievement among others. The following are some of the research findings;
Lowers grades: Research findings by the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology showed that the wrong kind of praise can backfire by causing lowers grades.
Reduces children’s effort:  The Colombia University and Stanford University research showed it reduces children’s effort.
 Reduces children’s motivation. Wulf-Uwe Meyer Study research discovered it reduces kid motivation.
Triggers shame and lowers self-worth: While that of the  University of Netherlands says it triggers shame and lowers self-worth .Praising kids-especially those with lower self-esteem-for their personal qualities (“You’re such a great person!”) rather than their efforts may make kids feel more ashamed if they fail and lower-not raise-their self-esteem..
Commenting on this, a Clinical Psychologist in Abuja, Nwielua Bright ThankGod, said  over the years, parents have been encouraged to reduce  their level of praise in an effort to nurture children’s sense of worth as a steady diet of praise can set them up for failure in later life.
He said, “In the real world, employers, colleagues and others offer praise only for exceptional effort, not for ordinary expectations. A little praise is a good thing, but too much can be harmful to the child. Also where parents constantly praise, the child suffers negative effects when he doesn’t receive it in future or if it is stopped.
Mr Adamu Momoh, a Civil Servant and father said over praising makes children to have bloated ego. “That child even to adulthood always feels he knows too much and will detest correction. Outside his parent’s home, wherever he goes he always feels he is doing something right or very well even he is doing something wrong.”
Mrs Gloria Obasa , a retired civil servant said parents should be wary of how they praise their children. She said children who are over praised often become self centred saying praise is only effective if it is honest and the child has genuinely deserved to be told that they have done well.
Research has also shown that over praising has lead to a generation of individuals who expect success in the work place even if they have done little or nothing to earn it. They also expect constant praise and celebration of every accomplishment no matter how little among their peers or wherever they find themselves. This set of people always believe they are doing something well or that they know a lot even if that is not the case. Because they have been raised with that attitude.
Michele Borba  writing in his blog says signs your child is over praised include;
 Self-centered: “I did great, mom!” The child is frequently praised individually so he forgets the contributions of others in the group or his team effort. Instead, he focuses on his plays, efforts, goals, etc. Listen for the pronouns of “Me and I” instead of “He, she, you, or we” in the child’s vocabulary.
Praise-dependent: “Do you like it mommy?” The child is so used to hearing adults praise that he now depends on those accolades to jump start his effort and needs your approval for self-maintenance.
 Expects accolades:  “Aren’t you going to tell me, ‘Good job?’” The child has heard your “Good job” so frequently that the praise no longer is meaningful. The child just expects you to say, “Atta boy!” regardless of whether it’s deserved.
Over-competitive: “But I’m better than her and got a higher grade.” The child has heard praise so often and needs the accolades to maintain her own self-image. The danger is that the child can begins to tear others down to feel better about herself.
Parenting advisor, Alfie Kohn, an author and lecturer on this topic, believes that frequent praise may create in children a hunger for external approval and a long-term sense of insecurity.
Kohn explains why praise may be harmful for young children. He said it “manipulates children – praise is a way of getting children to comply with adults’ wishes. This works in the short term because young children want adults’ approval. It also creates praise “junkies” – the more praise children receive, the more they rely on adult evaluations instead of forming their own judgments.”
He said it steals a child’s pleasure – children deserve to delight in their accomplishments instead of being judged and decreases interest – “research has shown that people tend to lose interest in activities for which they have been praised. Instead of motivating a child to engage in an activity, praise motivates a child to get more praise.” He said.
The expert said it also reduces achievement, “children who are praised for creative tasks tend to stumble at the next task. This may be because of the pressure created to continue to keep up the good work, and because the child has lost interest. In addition, children who are praised are less likely to take risks, as they may fear they won’t receive positive feedback. It’s also been found that students who receive positive reinforcement do not persist in the face of difficulties.
However a word of caution here, that you should not over praise does not mean you should subject them to criticism or deprive children of praise as Kenneth Barish, a Clinical Associate Professor of Psychology and author of Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems says “Children need praise. We all do. Without sufficient praise, a child will suffer symptoms, especially discouragement and lack of enthusiasm, or he will seek this nutrient elsewhere, or he will become angry and demand praise, even if it has not been wholly earned.
Helen Davidson  on her part said on Essientv “Overall it is important for parents to get the correct balance between over-praising and withholding praise too much in order to ensure that the self-esteem of their child is not damaged. It is not the amount of praise given that is important, it is correct use of praise at the right time that makes the difference between positive praise and harmful praise. Children should only be praised for good behavior and positive achievements.”