Dating: What is the right age for a teen daughter?

“My 17-year-old step-daughter told her dad and I she now has a boyfriend and would like us to meet him. She lives with her mum. My husband is against any emotional relationship she intends to have now and has asked her to end it. She is reluctant, so her dad decided to cut her privileges. […]

“My 17-year-old step-daughter told her dad and I she now has a boyfriend and would like us to meet him. She lives with her mum. My husband is against any emotional relationship she intends to have now and has asked her to end it. She is reluctant, so her dad decided to cut her privileges. Her mum, on the other hand, supports her and has dragged me into the whole drama as she has asked me to convince my husband and thinks the teenager has come of age. I’m in a fix. What do I do?” That’s the predicament one Mrs. Favour Daniel has found herself in.
Doris Obazee, a 35-year-old lawyer, wondered what one would expect from a girl raised by a single mother: “Many times they see their mothers coming home with different men and think it is normal. Her father is married to another woman while her mum lives alone. The dad should not play the victim here; he is the man and should take full responsibility for the child. He should go ahead and do what he thinks is right for his daughter. Both parents should set aside their differences and find a solution to their daughter’s problem. At such an age, she should be focusing on her studies.”
On the other hand, a friend of Doris, Zainab Haruna, 34, also a lawyer, disagrees: “My granddad died early and my dad was raised by his single mum alone and today he isn’t only a professor but a daddy to lawyers, engineers and a doctor. My husband was raised by a single mum; he is a first-class graduate from Unilag and had his masters’ degree in the UK before he turned 26. He is everything many women wish to have. Strong single mums are the strongest of all women. It’s just a pity that this particular woman wants to destroy the life of her daughter before it even starts. I disagree with knocks on single mothers. It’s not fair on the part of hardworking single mothers to generalise that their children are no good. If I may remind people of like minds, Ben Carson – the world’s foremost neurosurgeon and a black man – was brought up by a single mother.”
Nancy Adeolu, a 39-year-old civil servant wondered: “What if she refused to tell her dad and went ahead to do what she wanted, would he have known? Please advise him to meet the guy and be friends with him. That way she can talk to the boy on dos and don’ts. That way the boy will be careful with her and not do anything stupid to his daughter. Again, encourage your husband, her mum and even yourself to give the girl good sex education. He should also set proper dating rules for them and ensure her mum sticks to them. The job of parents of teens is not just to be their kid’s best friend but to be friendly enough to provide the needed guidance. Children of today mature faster, so parents should put down the rules of the game for them.”
Vivian Ikeagu, 30, is a teacher. She says it’s a good thing that the teen in question is open about relationships at her age. “Children of her age in that situation usually never open up about such things to their parents, so her parents should count themselves lucky. She is quite young but wisdom must be applied to discourage her rather than cutting off her privileges, if not she’ll become secretive and a lot of harm will occur at the end. As a step-mum, if it were your child, how would you have handled the matter? Don’t distance yourself from the situation because it may be your turn someday.”
Sanusi Isah, a 40-year-old accountant, says: “I know most people will condemn the teen and her mum. But how old were the condemners when they started experimenting? But here is a young girl with a boyfriend and she wants the parents to meet him. If they were hiding behind closed doors, she would definitely not want them to meet him. My advice is this: sit her down first and talk to her about her choices, her responsibility; her future goals and how they fit or misfit in the relationship she is engaging in now. She might just be looking for a father figure in her life and sees it in the boyfriend.”
Isah added that: “Many people may be criticising the girl’s mother while most of their teenage daughters have male friends and are even having pre-marital sex without their knowledge. Most of us that have children in boarding schools or children living with one relative or the other do we know what our children are doing where they are? Even well-brought-up children still indulge in such things due to peer pressure. It’s better you meet him. This is where African mentality fails.”
Marriage Counselor Hajiya Maryam Abdulahi says cutting off one’s head is not the solution for a headache. “When it comes to teenage issues, you do not impose. You relate with them. This is the age when they want to exert their rights and to show their parents they have come of age. We prayerfully lead them and learn to stylishly look away even though we still maintain our position as parents. Her privileges should not be removed, as that would drive her towards negative stuff. The girl’s biological mum should also be on top of the situation, as should the step-mum.”
Abdullahi added that only good kids tell their parents about boyfriends. “Age isn’t something that makes one mature. If she is 17 and mature in character, emotionally and physically then with the right guidance on sex education she can be allowed to have a male friend. We do not need her to elope with a guy one day all in the name of trying to protect her. We understand the fears of the father but with the right support and understanding as parents we can guide our teens to a better future.”