Dead Men Working

 Dearest Buhari,  I am so glad to finally see that now that you have recovered fully and should begin the serious work of governance, you have decided not to allow this to distract you from the larger and more important goal of beginning the campaigns for the 2019 elections. This is so so important especially […]

 Dearest Buhari, 

I am so glad to finally see that now that you have recovered fully and should begin the serious work of governance, you have decided not to allow this to distract you from the larger and more important goal of beginning the campaigns for the 2019 elections. This is so so important especially as in the beginning you were busy, for months, studying the mess left behind that you were unable to appoint ministers to run the ministries and then shortly after you appointed them you fell ill and had to spend a few months away. But now you are hale and hearty and there is no better time to begin the job of convincing Nigerians through rallies and speeches and political appointments and keeping an eye on disloyal people and enemies, that you are indeed the right person to carry Nigeria through to 2023. 

This past week a lot of people have died. Either slaughtered in Benue or shot dead in Rivers or killed in Borno. These dead are only a sign that you are working. When you are effective, your enemies get more and more agitated. So there is no need to make a broadcast about these killings. People may even say that you as a Fulani should come up with a permanent solution to the crises all across the country that pits pastoralists against settled communities and farmers, leading to deaths and reprisals, but what do they know? You are alright my dear. You have done so much we do not even deserve you. But because of your love for us, you have decided to reappoint your last campaign director Rotimi Amaechi along with that governor who was indicted in the Zaria massacre of unarmed members of the Islamic Movement of Nigeria. You love us and because of this, I love you. 

I also saw that in the list of appointments to boards of parastatals there were quite a few dead people and many Nigerians were worried. I just need to admit that at first, I was worried. But it did not take me long to recognise the genius in what you have done. You are a leader of many firsts. I cannot remember a leader who has so much respect for the dead. A leader who cares for those who have passed away. If you can do this for the dead how much more for the living. I just have a few suggestions going forward for how we can hand this appointment of dead people. 

First I think we should appoint a larger number of dead women. You know how maternal mortality in Nigeria is still high and all? Maybe we find one person to represent the group of women who died in childbirth? Maybe that way you can show how much you care about the health of women who are pregnant. Also, I am thinking of someone like Bola Ige. It is not good to abandon him like that. I feel like we have not remembered him enough. A posthumous appointment is great. I was also thinking of Gani Fawehinmi. I am sure that in death he will be as vibrant and bring to your government even more legitimacy, especially in the human rights angle. And even more so these days when our men of the Nigerian police have been exposed for their extortion, torture and extrajudicial killings. For women’s rights, we can have someone like Hajiya Laila Dogonyaro. Also can we have younger dead people? You know how our life expectancy is like 54-55. Just think about it. I don’t want to impose any dead persons on you. You seem to be doing just fine. 

I think that one advantage of appointing dead people to parastatals is that dead men don’t complain. They are not greedy and they do not steal. And we both agree we don’t want any thieves spoiling our 2019 campaigns. You remember how Babachir almost spoilt things for us in the presidency with his contracts for grass cutting.  By the way how far with him? I know you sacked him but is that enough? Anyway, I trust your judgment. 

Remember my letter about names for our campaign. You know how in 2015 it was Change? Let us have something like: “Consolidation 2019: Because you can never have too much Change.” Whatever you choose, I wish you the very best this week as we kick off the campaign season. Sai ka yi! 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. Especially now as we enter 2018. Release him, his wife and his people. Especially as we flag off this 2019 campaign season. We can even use it to score political points. I know you want to. Hugs.