Dealing with a difficult mother in-law

However, some in-laws can be overbearing and hard to please.  A mother in-law for instance could be a pain in the neck of her son or daughter in-law. While it is very common for women to have problems with their mothers-in-law, some men have also faced challenges from difficult and domineering mothers in-law.Such mothers in-law […]

However, some in-laws can be overbearing and hard to please.  A mother in-law for instance could be a pain in the neck of her son or daughter in-law. While it is very common for women to have problems with their mothers-in-law, some men have also faced challenges from difficult and domineering mothers in-law.
Such mothers in-law try to control everything about their sons in-law and even interfere with decisions concerning the marriage and running the home. This puts the men in a dilemma and even affects the marriage. One man going through this challenge recently lamented his confusion on how to handle the situation with the backdrop of the fact that in-laws deserve to be respected.
The Home Front sought the views of some experts and respondents on the way out.
Abayomi Jeremiah advised any man who finds himself in such a situation to first call his wife and talk to her about her mother’s excesses.
“He should  make her understand that it is their home and not her parents’ home as such she should  caution her mother about her ways. But if the mother in-law refuses to listen to her daughter, the man himself should call the woman and talk to her himself and set a limit to her interference in his home,” he advised.
Abayomi advised that it is also important for intending couples to discuss and set a limit on the extent family members can go with the affairs and decisions in their home, especially when there is a very close bond between the mother and intended spouse, as it will go a long way in helping both parties in keeping their family members in check when they get married.
He added that the man should also ensure that his own mother is not interfering in their home as striking a balance will help in putting him in a position to  caution his wife when her mother is found wanting.
Mrs  Ladidi  Sokowanci  said in as much as the man is expected to respect his laws, he should still be the ‘man of the house,’ saying that he is the boss of the home and shouldn’t give his mother in-law opportunity to control him and his home. She adds that he should caution his wife to let her mother know that she is now married and in his home.
Another respondent who simply wants to be known as Alhaji Yusuf agrees with Sokowanci . He said the man should politely let his mother in-law know that it is his home and she cannot continue to control him and his family.
He advised that if she doesn’t change, the man can report her to her children particularly the male ones and if she still doesn’t change, he should involve the religious leaders and well respected elderly people around them.
 Yakubu Grace, an elderly woman said the man should sit down to discuss with the woman on her behaviour, adding, “he should try not to be confrontational but polite during the discussion. He should also politely refuse any decision she tries to impose on him and his home whenever she tries to. The man should also learn to overlook her when she misbehaves where there are other people, but call her later for discussion so that she doesn’t feel you are insulting her.”
Speaking on the issue, Ustaz Abdulfattah Adeyemi,  an Islamic scholar said people have different characters and a woman who is domineering to her  son in-law sometimes also does same to other people and this will require understanding to overlook her.
He advised that while the man should play along  he should stand his ground once in a while as a man because that is what makes him a man.
“As a man it will be difficult for him to stand his ground or determine what happens if the mother in-law in question is the one helping or  paying the bills of the family but as a man,  he should be able to stand his ground once in a while,” he said.
He said there may be little issues in marriage that can be overlooked but when it comes to taking very important decision about himself,  his wife and the family, he has to stand his ground and be very diplomatic about it,  and when he doesn’t yield , with time the mother in-law will leave him alone.
“I will advise the man not to behave like someone who is just borrowing trousers to wear. If he is man he has to behave like a man and sometimes he has to  stand his ground and tell his mother in-law ‘Mama look this is a no go area.’And that can only be successful with the cooperation of his wife. No woman will feel happy that her mother is dominating her own husband. So he should talk to her but be very diplomatic about it,” he advised.
He also advised that the man should   relate more with the men in his wife’s family than with his mother in-law.
Where the woman is the one suffering from her mother in-law, Ustaz Adeyemi  said it is only the husband  who can save the woman from the clutches of his mother.
“He can say ‘Mama leave my wife alone. Just let her be.’ The man should be able to take charge of the home. He should not do things that will put the woman and his wife together, they shouldn’t live in the same place. Also he should have secrets between him and his wife, and secrets between him and his mother. The whole responsibility is still on the neck of the man. If he is not careful,  he wouldn’t know how to relate with his mother and his wife,” he said.
He stressed that in both cases, he enjoins  men to be hardworking, have money of their own,  be able to take decisions on their own and learn to do things without involving too much of the women in it adding, “ A man should be very hard working and should not be a breadwinner without the bread.”
Marriage counseling couple and experts, Mr. Emmanuel and Pastor (Mrs.) Chika Emmanuel Ebinne said the status of a domineering mother-in-law in a home other than hers is that of a stranger or visitor and she should conduct herself accordingly.
“Every home or household has its style of living and a stranger or visitor can only fit in appropriately if she operates by this. A domineering mothers-in-law may be authoritative, bossy and quarrelsome. The fair way to handle this is first of all dialogue during which the person could be advised on how to conduct herself. If this doesn’t work, she may be politely shown the way out of the house irrespective of what problem she came to solve. Otherwise she may break the marriage or set a bad precedence for children in the home. The alternative could be the mother of the other spouse if it must be a mothers in–law,” they said.
The couple who are also the owners of Maritaldotcom, a marriage counseling organization in Abuja, advised that spouses should be very careful when it comes to inviting their parents to their home saying allowing your quarrelsome, bossy and domineering mothers-in-law into your home is a potential disaster not only to you but your neighbours, associates and husband/wife.
They said there are always alternatives, “and if they must come, please lay respectfully and politely the rules of admission to them. A stitch in time saves nine,” they advised.
In a situation where it is the woman who is suffering from a domineering and difficult mother in-law, Mr. Emmanuel and Pastor (Mrs.) Chika Emmanuel Ebinne said there is need for the woman to exercise continuously and continually the virtues of forgiveness, peace, forbearance, understanding and love.
 “Love especially covers and over looks a lot of short coming and faults. It is the bond of perfection and the fulfillment of the law. Following different people with patience also yields good results. Therefore exercise or practice patience too. It is good to state that many mothers-in-law are good or the opposite,” they advised.