Desperate times, unhinged people (II)

My analysis of what happens to the likes of Andrew Yakubu is that they are transfixed. Transfixed like a deer is with oncoming lights of a car. Andrew didn’t know what he wanted to do with that money, even though he collected it all the same. All of those who have milked and bilked this […]

My analysis of what happens to the likes of Andrew Yakubu is that they are transfixed. Transfixed like a deer is with oncoming lights of a car. Andrew didn’t know what he wanted to do with that money, even though he collected it all the same. All of those who have milked and bilked this country like him – and they are there in their hundreds – have no idea of or plans for what to do with the monies that they have stolen. They just steal. I imagine that a Dangote would know where to quickly deploy $9.2million without having to dodge around. Andrew could not spend it. Andrew has more everywhere. 

Andrew should be pitied. Andrew is unwell. And that goes for millions of Nigerians who have been mis-educated, whether in their schools or especially these days, even in religious houses. 

Business schools tell us that what matters is that we get money through competition. Churches tell our people that it is their right to have money because God has ordained it for them. Somehow, the shallow and fleeting goal of obtaining money by any means has been elevated to the most important aspiration we could probably have in Nigeria. Nigerians became unhinged. 

This is not corruption going on with us as a people. I will put the problem somewhere near insanity, confusion, immaturity, lack of vision, stupidity, sheer wickedness, and a deep sense that the devil has taken over the hearts of many of our people. 

Perhaps there is a cult these people belong to where they are instructed to bilk Nigerians to death, because if these monies were not embezzled and kept by them, this country will be prosperous and even they will enjoy themselves better.  

I always tell people that there is much value in being broke; being without money. A broke person thinks better, and is able to use little to achieve much. I personally think better when broke. And I deliberately refuse to quickly go a-borrowing. The education we get these days – even in so-called Ivy League schools, tells us to quickly dash to the bank. 

Many businesses are surviving on loans that they could never repay, because cheap and easy loans replaced that invaluable space for deep thinking and reorganization. People like Andrew Yakubu, saddled with so much money than they could ever spend in a lifetime, simply stopped thinking. They may be alive, but mentally, they are dead. And unfortunately, it is his type who lead Nigeria in all facets. 

Those who pray for riches however it may come, should stop and ask themselves some difficult questions. Our religious houses and business schools need a rethink of what they preach and teach. That Nigeria is here today shows that we are on a permanently wrong course in what we have been feeding our brains. 

Now my concern for today’s write-up is to look at the clever and crazy things Nigerians have been doing just to make money. Many grew up with a deep sense of spiritual poverty and have prayed all their lives to get near the money. Many are stealing just to measure up to standards that society has set for them. Many are of fickle mind; just out to impress. Many grew up with kleptomania in their blood. When President Buhari says he wants to end corruption I’m not sure he knows how the mad quest for money by Nigerians keeps morphing and the extent people will go to be big men/women. 

He admitted it himself when he said he was not aware of budget padding. Maybe while he was out of action for 30 years, he did not keep in touch with reality. 

Anyone who will make a dent on these issues must be informed, must be efficient and very speedy, and must know how to follow the money. 

So here are some new (and not-so-new) ways Nigerians steal:

 1.  Contract cloning  

This is the habit of creating papers for a contract that mirrors another real contract exactly. Many times the big men who sign are aware but feign ignorance and sign both papers. One payment goes to the real contractor. The second payment goes into an account opened by officials of the MDA, in the name of the contractor even though the contractor is unaware. An elaborate system of forgery and collusion between the banker and MDA officials ensures that this goes through. Billions are bilked each year through this means. 

 2.  Invoice recycling

This is where invoices that have since been processed and paid are suddenly given another lease of life and reprocessed through the system. Many times it is the big men that call for this to be initiated. The contractor may or may not be aware. It is very normal these days for MDA officials to operate illegal accounts and nominate themselves as signatories to company accounts without the real owners being aware. Old invoice can thus be reawakened and cleared through the system with money being paid for jobs not done and straight into the pockets of a few smart Alecs.

 3.  Budget padding

This is the one the president said he was unaware of. The budget items could be stuffed individually with illegal amounts. National Assembly members are in the habit of asking MDAs to add some pork barrel amount otherwise the entire budget will not be signed off. They do this allegedly in the name of their constituencies. Another way may be the inclusion of an entirely fictitious item. I hear there is a budget of N6.8billion for ‘Irrigation’ in the budget for Education this year. Well, every contract in Nigeria is inflated beyond value for money. These days things are even more desperate. The blockage of some areas have led to contractors bearing more of the brunt as officials go for the jugular. Contractors are now slaving away for these officials.

 4.  Contract hijacking

This is a scenario where rather than clone a contract, officials at an MDA can simply issue the contract in the name of a qualified company, but without the knowledge of that company. They will find people to execute for very cheap, and pay the money into an account where they are signatories. 

 5.  Contract splitting

This is as old as prostitution itself; good old contract splitting in order to game the controls that limits how much can be signed by official signatories. In some instances, the leadership of some MDAs will sign hundreds of payments of same amount to a single account on the eve of their departure.

 6.  Dead man’s chest

The other day a frustrated contractor committed suicide at one of the MDAs. He had been parading the office for years with no success. On this occasioned he merely warned ‘I will kill myself o. I will kill myself o’. Everyone ignored him. Then he threw himself four floors down. He was as dead as mutton when he hit the floor. If Nigeria is what it I know it to be today, the next day, someone will unearth the man’s invoice where they kept it, and process the money for themselves.  Nigerians are so heartless and unhinged that they have nothing against spending a dead man’s money. When airplanes used to crash in Nigeria it was because officials signed AOK on aircrafts when they knew that they were flying coffins. They collected money. It is funny how some Nigerians are able to sleep. But they do. Sometimes all they have to do is donate their tithe and give generously to the church and bingo! More next week.