EID MUBARAK 1439

As most readers know, your Columnist loves a good laugh, especially in seasons such as this. Today, we visit www.short-funny.com <http://www.short-funny.com> to get us a selection of jokes to tide us over the Sallah holidays. Enjoy. And Barka da Sallah to us all. “Patient to his doctor: ‘I have forgotten so many things lately, and […]

As most readers know, your Columnist loves a good laugh, especially in seasons such as this. Today, we visit www.short-funny.com <http://www.short-funny.com> to get us a selection of jokes to tide us over the Sallah holidays. Enjoy. And Barka da Sallah to us all.

“Patient to his doctor: ‘I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?’ Doctor: ‘Yes, this is a known illness; unfortunately, it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the $800 that you owe me…’”

“I read the mass chicken farms pump chickens full of antibiotics. Well, that would at least explain why chicken soup is so good when you have a cold.”

“Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?” “Do you smoke?” “No.” “Do you eat too much?” “No.” “Do you go to bed late?” “No.” “Are you…wink, wink?” “No.” “Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?”

“An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son: ‘Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me…your mother is going to come and live with you and your family.’”

“Three men are riding on a motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. One of the policeman shouts after them: ‘Police! Stop!’ But they just continue driving past. The last man on the bike turns around and yells to the policemen: ‘Sorry dude! We can’t take you on. We’re already one too many!’”

“Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?” “No, how?” “I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

“To be stung by a mosquito is not very pleasant. But the thought that an insect with just 10 brain cells could mess up your entire night is something quite different.”

“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?” “No, not a soul, actually.” “Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”

“Doctor: ‘I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.’ Patient: ‘What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!’ Doctor: ‘Nine.’”

“A man asks a farmer near a field, ‘Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.’ The farmer says, ‘Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.’”

“’Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?’ ‘My name is Paul.’”

“Mother: ‘How was school today, Patrick?’ Patrick: ‘It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!’ Mother: ‘Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?’ Patrick: ‘What school?’”

“Father: ‘Son, you were adopted.’ Son: ‘What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!’ Father: ‘We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.’”

“A boss announces to his staff: ‘I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!’ A voice in the background says: ‘I’m offering 200!’”

“Judge: ‘Why did you steal the car?’ Man: ‘I had to get to work.’ Judge: ‘Why didn’t you take the bus?’ Man: ‘I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.’”

“In a bakery: Man to the shop assistant: ‘I’ll have that thing there, please.’ Shop assistant: ‘Cupcake?’ Man: ‘OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.’”

“I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she’s been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.”

“A prisoner is finally released after many years in jail. He stands at the pavement, yelling, ‘I’m free! I’m free!’ A little kid walks up to him happily and joins, ‘I’m four! I’m four!’”

“Dad, on the last day of school: ‘So, where’s your school report, my boy?’ Tom: ‘Sorry Dad, I’ll bring it a day later.’ Dad: ‘Why is that?’ Tom: Kevin borrowed it because he wanted to scare his parents.’”

“Teacher asks the student: ‘Why are you so late?!’ Student: ‘Well, I was crossing the road and suddenly there was this sign which says ‘School ahead, go slowly!’”

“Little Johnny asks the teacher, ‘Mrs. Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?’ Mrs. Roberts is shocked, ‘Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!’ Little Johnny is relieved, ‘OK Mrs. Roberts. Sorry, I haven’t done my homework.’” 

“Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, ‘He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?’ ‘No,’ replies the wife, ‘he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie.’”

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”

“A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself. ‘Oh, young man,’ she says, ‘they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.’ ‘Why did you buy them at all then?’ wonders the driver. ‘You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!’”

“Pessimist: ‘Things just can’t get any worse!’ Optimist: ‘Nah, of course they can!’”

“Two men are discussing their lives. One says, ‘I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.’ The other one says, ‘Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons.’”

“An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, ‘Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!’ ‘Is this her first child?’ asks the operator. ‘No you dumbass! It’s her husband!’”

“And on the Nigerian condition: A fat guy and a thin guy meet. Fat guy: ‘When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!’ Thin guy: ‘And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!’”

“Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright – until you hear them talk.”

“I heard the [US] Secret Service had to change their commands. They can’t say ‘Get down!’ anymore when the President is under attack. Now it’s ‘Donald! Duck!’”

 “And now that the World Cup has kicked-off: “8pm I get an SMS from my girlfriend: ‘Me or football?!’ 11pm I SMS my girlfriend: ‘You of course.’”

And finally, this is a special Barka da Sallah to my Lawyer Readers (I nearly said ‘Friends’): “Two well-dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant and ordered two coffees and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat. Waitress: ‘Sorry Sirs! But you can’t eat your own food here. It’s against the rules.’ The lawyers quietly looked at each other and exchanged their sandwiches and continued their meals.’” (For lawyers, loopholes always exist).