Emotional blackmail at its worst

Last week was a sad one for a family in Lagos. They lost their only daughter (Bukky), who killed herself, because she was refused the chance to marry the man of her dreams. Her parents refused to consent her marital plans, but Bukky insisted on going on with the wedding. Eventually, she was talked out […]

Last week was a sad one for a family in Lagos. They lost their only daughter (Bukky), who killed herself, because she was refused the chance to marry the man of her dreams. Her parents refused to consent her marital plans, but Bukky insisted on going on with the wedding. Eventually, she was talked out of it when her father told her that “if you marry him, do not ever come to my grave!”
Bukky was to mention that as her reason for taking her life in the suicide note she was said to have left behind. She said   the best thing was for her to cease to exist since she could not live to be married off to someone else, neither could she live with the curse her father reportedly placed on her.
Such stories are not new in our society where parents are always opposed to the choice of partners made by their children. Most times emotional blackmail is used. Children who insist on going on to solemnize their relationship without their parental blessing always carry a heavy burden in their hearts. Parents resort to emotional blackmail to discourage their children from marrying whoever they feel comfortable with. Parents often give religion, tribe, social status etc as   conditions for choosing whoever they give their blessing to for their daughter’s or son’s marriage.
Hajiya Farida Ismail, an Educationist, says emotional blackmail is mostly used by parents, but it is dangerous   if not well applied. “Using emotional blackmail in an attempt to scare our children off marrying a potential spouse only because they come from a different tribe is not praiseworthy in this world and the next. The benchmark must always be the presence of a worthy character and the fear of God which necessitates all the positive character a good spouse for our children should exhibit.
The society has evolved, parents should always take into consideration the needs and emotions of their children before they take such irrational decision. Matters of the heart are very delicate and should be treated with caution especially with female children. Such oppositions are not taken likely by female children as they are quick to a rebellion either positively or negatively.”
Parents always forget that compatibility between a person and his/her potential spouse does not mean they absolutely have to be from the same ancestral roots. Compatibility is just one of the conditions for marriage and has broader implications. It is imperative that parents who have brought up their children in cosmopolitan environments fathom this point.
Ibrahim Ramalan, an Abuja-based Accountant, believes no matter what parents always have the wisdom to know what is right and wrong for their children.  “I always advise my brothers and sisters aiming at getting married to seek out their parents’ advice and vision for your potential spouse in order to attempt reconciling between the wishes of those important in our families. It is ludicrous to feel your choice of a spouse has only to do with you and nobody else around you. Do not forget about those who brought you up from before the potential spouse came into your life. The wisdom of parents and elders can never be over looked. This is not denying the fact that sometimes their advice and wisdom might be immersed in biased but then it is left to you as the children to prove to them and make them see the reason you have made the choice of partner”
Adeshola Ahmed an undergraduate believes that marriage is a personal matter and interference from others in this personal affair is unacceptable and unethical. “It is uncalled for especially if one comes from a radical tribe or family that loves to predetermine their offspring’s lives, I have seen it many times that people are unhappy in their lives because their spouse was chosen for them as they were not allowed to marry those their hearts went with and loved. We are in a generation where freedom of speech and association is gaining grounds, though it will face stiff challenges since we are living in an African society but then your choice and emotions need to be respected too.
It is enough respect that children seek advice from their parents regarding their life partners. Parents on the other hand should also put take the emotions of their children into consideration. Don’t forget a forced marriage never sees the light of the day. The happiness of the child should be of paramount priority in issues like this” she says.
Whilst the youth may have energies; never forget that our elders have wisdom. Their advice could just be that advice that keeps you married for a lifetime. Our parents can know more regarding the marriage institution but they cannot force love on anyone. It is true that older people have reasons to give the best for their daughters or sons whom sometime they don’t know because of experience. Marriage is an institution where we continue to learn throughout our stay there.
Potential couples should also know that parental guide in marriage is essential. Parents shouldn’t forget that they are trying to get their child married, not themselves. Parents should not live through their children and should investigate the partners their children want to settle with in life instead of out rightly opposing the spouse. A spouse who is best for your child and suits her personality is what should be your priority. Emotional blackmail could work but it could turn out for the worst like in Bukky’s case.