Even your loot has a loot

Dearest Buhari, You know how in American movies about drug lords and gangsters, people always get their criminal proceeds attacked or stolen by other gangsters? I think Nigerian politicians watch too many American movies. That is why the monies recovered by Obasanjo disappeared under Jonathan and now the ones recovered by Jonathan seem to have […]

Dearest Buhari,

You know how in American movies about drug lords and gangsters, people always get their criminal proceeds attacked or stolen by other gangsters? I think Nigerian politicians watch too many American movies. That is why the monies recovered by Obasanjo disappeared under Jonathan and now the ones recovered by Jonathan seem to have disappeared. I have a solution. Let us ban politicians from watching gangster movies. They should all watch Nollywood movies and at the most, Mexican telenovelas and Bollywood movies. At least they will learn virtues like how not to be mean to your daughter-in-law who can’t get pregnant (Nollywood), how to defeat all odds in dating and marrying across economic and social class (telenovelas) and how to sing and dance in the rain while running around flower hedges (Bollywood). And think of what a pleasant country Nigeria will be when this happens, colourful, musical, loving and giving God all the glory. 

Or perhaps we should just say, that if you recovered stolen money you should be able to legally spend some part of the money. Maybe that will help with the bulk stealing. Because I do not understand how someone can make $500,000,000 disappear. 

I am so thrilled to see all of the governors who are queuing up to endorse you for a second term. There is nothing like seeing them come together to agree on something as important to national progress and security as your 2019 candidacy. Some have suggested that perhaps it might have been more useful for governors to come together to do things like find a solution to the herdsmen-farmer crises, kidnapping or rural development but those people fail to see the larger picture. They do not know that with a second term, all things are possible. 

You know what I realise? The weekends. On the weekends when the international football games are on, no one really bothers with scandals in Nigeria. In fact, all the trends on Twitter during games are about football. Here is what I propose: if we have any difficult decisions to make, let us do it just before a football game. This means that although people might see it, it will be interrupted by the game and after the game what often follows is an intense nuanced debate about the game. Let us go for the controversial games, usually involving clubs like Arsenal which Manchester United fans love to troll. By the time they are done with the game, someone will have done something crazy. Also, I think we shouldn’t publicise every discovery of EFCC. Store some of them so that we can release it when we need to change the conversation. So if you discover three looters, announce only one and keep the remaining two for a later date. We need all the EFCC discoveries we can get leading up to 2019. Sometimes you have to help people see the truth with these methods. 

So, I just looked at your wife’s Twitter account and saw that she posted videos of two senators saying critical things about your government. One of them is even a PDP senator. My dear, we need to talk about this o. They say in Hausa, Yaro, so mai son ka. I just hope her account was hacked. Because if not we might need to reorganise the other room. You know I will never say anything critical of you ko? I still remember those leaked phone conversations where your relative called her names because they thought she was manipulating you. We can’t afford to take 2019 for granted. 

Look, I love you and all but I have been thinking of something. Look at all the wives of Heads of State since after Obasanjo. Turai Yaradua: corruption scandals and allegations. Patience Jonathan: corruption scandals and allegations. Your wife, allegations of stubbornness. Don’t you think we need a president who is single for a while? At least during the period of governance? I don’t know, maybe it is something you can think of going into 2019. I will still be there for you obviously but you will not need to worry about any weak links and scandals you can’t control. And we will be saving the millions usually spent on the office of the first lady. Worth a shot I think. But if you don’t agree, no wahala. I support you either way. 

Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. Do not let him die in your custody. It is never too late to do the right thing. Especially now as we enter 2018. Release him, his wife and his people. Especially as we flag off this 2019 campaign season. We can even use it to score political points. I know you want to. Hugs. 

Yours until 2023 and forever

Elnathan John.